Category Archives: Stand-Up

The World’s Greatest Fencer!

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Nothing In My Way – Keane

Apparently the world’s greatest ever fencer is Aldo Nani. You know, the Italian guy. Yeah, him. Google’s greatest fencer of all time. Let’s say you decided one day you wanted to become the next greatest fencer the world has ever seen. At the very least, one of the best around. That was your goal. Now you needed a plan. Maybe watch some others fencing. Read a bit about fencing. Mostly importantly, practice fencing… Once a week? Maybe once every two weeks. Sometimes, when other stuff needed to be done, you’d actually forget the last time you fenced. Either way, sounds like a mighty plan. Right?! You’d be a world class fencer in notime! Surely? Too easy! Dancin… Nay. You ape. Bob Hope. Well, unless you were naturally a fencing prodigy. If not, only a dumb ape would have such a dumb plan. I know this. Yet, I’ve been applying this mighty plan to stand-up? Well done. Continue Reading »

Octo-Ape!

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Paganini Rocks (Feat. Au Revoir Simone) – Robortom

What an unreal week! Simply amazing. Brimful with the most amazingly pointless revelations one could have. Amazing. Take Sunday night. 5 in the morning. Big breakthrough. Shook me to the core. After years and years of thinking – nay -knowing the opposite, something finally clicked… Christian Bale and Jason Bateman are actually not brothers. What what?! Ridiculously pointless. Ridiculously wrong. For years I thought they were. Why? Because Christian Bale played the character Patrick Bateman before…? I know! Incredible!!!… ly dumb. Actually gave Jason Bateman more credit for being his brother too. Christian was the really intense actor so his brother tried to be the funny one. Good balance. I did wonder why he never said anything when it was claimed Christian attacked his Mum and sister though. Kind of odd, not sticking up for the family. And again, no sound-bite about the incident with Senor Bale and the sound stage guy? No one ever asked Jason for his opinion? Why was that, I wondered. Always found it peculiar. Now I know why. Some revelation. Amazing. What else has my brain got wrong? What other facts has is made up or misconstrued? I assume buckets… Continue Reading »

Tip Of The Night. Top Of The Morn!

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Better late than never. My top songs of the blogaruu from 2010. Not that they were released in 2010. Just that I used them at some stage in the blog. Either I really like the song. Or. I am a fan of the story that went along with it. So.. Song. Which blogaruu. And a reason why as well. Not sure how many. Short and sweet!

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Oh Betsy…

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Everything Is Everything – Lauryn Hill

Rattled, to say the least. New Year’s. Cat allergies. Ape man flu type thing which keeps rearing it’s horrendous head. Not feeling the May West. Betsy. Brain is working at 10%, at most. Now would be a great time to mock me. Probably have a comeback thought of by Wednesday. Quip me with your mocking stick. Quip me. First blogaruu of 2011. Amazing, I know. 2010 has been a mighty year. It is what you make of it, if you ask me. People seem to enjoy complaining at this time of year. Actually blame the year for all their bad luck, woes, misfortunes, etc. Perhaps the year was not at fault. Perhaps. Think aboot that, Moaning Marys. Not a big fan of looking back, as when I did it for the book, it involved a lot of dredging. Ending up waist high in my mind’s swamp. However, I will go back to the blogaruu I wrote exactly this day one year ago. A mighty blog where I decided it was “Time to horse a few targets out there. Not really going to be ‘resolutions’ though. The word doesn’t hold much weight to me. Resolves nothing.” I knew writing the targets down would eventually have a use! Everyman needs a plan. So. How did I get on… Continue Reading »

TGIFTG… Turkey On!

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Rollin’ & Scatchin’ (Chilly Gonzales Rework) – Daft Punk

While Ireland is being battered by all angles at home, it seems, I too have some important news to start off with: Got a hair cut this week. As opposed to a haircut. Hairdressers truly do baffle me. Ask for one thing, forced to deal with the some thing they give back. Tried to be as specific as possible. Almost as if I was asking them to do me this one favour, just one time. Please? Even had photos to help me describe what it was that I wanted. Hairdresser just looked at me. Down at me. Disgust. Contempt. Perplexed. Nonplussed?! All of the above. Eyes to heaven. And then went off and did her own thing. Cut one hair here. Cut half a hair there. Chat with her buddies. Slipped off to the bathroom. Still not finished. Please wait. Chilling and twirling in the chair while she disappeared. Returned. Did not cut one more hair. Decided, actually, she was finished. My hair was exactly as I had described. Twirled me around in the seat to show me the back of my head in the handheld mirror as if this was some sort of fool-proof proof that she did exactly as she was asked. Fooled me. Couldn’t see myself properly with their flattering light. Went to the bathroom to see if that was any better. Even worse. Made me look better. False light and smoke mirrors everywhere. Continue Reading »

What Is The Pint Of The Isle?

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The Best Day – Atmosphere

(Forgot aboot this blogaruu. A week old but better up than in… )

Speaking of teachers, does anyone remember my science teacher from 4th year? Sound man. Bald head. Round glasses. Slightly Larry David looking. Just not as big a nose. Mr. O’Connor? Doesn’t sound right but pretend so. Anyways, his lessons often used to get lost in translation. Mostly down to his accent. Slightly country-ish. Farmer like. But only on certain words. Out of all the sciences he had a thing for chemistry. Big fan. Always up the top of the class, on his own, experimenting away. Giving you plenty of time to stare out the window. And wonder if you were going bald (I had this weird thing in 4th year where I was convinced I was going bald. Used to have conversations with my biology teacher about it. Me arguing for. Him against. Maybe that is why I let the fro flow. And now have a hedge on my head). Back to Mr. O’Connor. Doing experiments. Liked to spring questions, see if you were following. Every single time, his odd way of saying words would throw me off. So every single time, I would have to tell him… Sir, I have no clue what a pint of isle is? Getting him annoyed. Thinking I was mocking him. Ending in detention. See. He was actually asking what the point of the oil was in the experiment. But seeing as I liked to drift off, I never copped on quickly enough as to what his point ever was. Kind of like you are perhaps wondering now what mine could possibly be. Obviously… Chilean miners! Seriously… Continue Reading »