Trojan… On? Tut. Ok.


One question I never get asked in amazement is… ‘What don’t you do?’ Well. There’s plenty I don’t do. Plenty. Off the top of my head. I don’t do cars. Buckets of evidence to back me up on that one. Last time I bought a car (a truck to be exact) I ended up behind a church in Chino. Buying a bucket from a con man named Mike. Biggest bucket ever. Complete disaster. Truck was a wreck. Turned me into an emotional wreck. People have felt my pain. Relived my turbulent affair with that whure. Delighted when it was done and dusted. Particularly those who have read my book. Good old Mike. What a hunt. Anyways. Whenever I don’t get asked that question, my response is always cars. Don’t do them. Especially not Buckets. However. Since yesterday. I am now a Trojan. ‘Why so?’ You might not ask. Well. Obviously. As I now drive a chariot. Seriously. As in an actual chariot. Kind of… Continue Reading »

Duu. Something? Whatever.


Remember hearing aboot a fussball player for Rangers who burnt his cheek after scrambled egg exploded on him? Or when Robbie Keane somehow injured himself by reaching for the TV remote? Well. Thank funk I’m not a well known fussball player. Both have happened to a certain ape I know. Along with a few more this week. Twisted my ankle by tripping on mud. During a game tonight. But still. Wasn’t actually tackled by another player. Just a big lump of mud. Well done me. Just a minute ago. Almost twisted my knee. In the kitchen. Reaching for some pepper. Twisted my upper body. As opposed to swiveling aboot. Close call. Tweakage. Again. Nearly a well done. On Monday. Pretty sure I managed to re-break my broken toe. When I clipped a loose slab sticking out of a path. Clipped. Tripped. Just as I went to walk down a red carpet. Almost rolled. Well done me. Fun times. Red carpet rolling. Continue Reading »

Singing The Booze


Last week. A boot. Changed my life. Hopefully you just sung that to the tune of DJ and last night. As I have been doing all day. Its true though. Last week a boot changed my life. Boot as in boat. Changed as in changed. Life as in outlook. Holiday time. Giddy up. 10 days. Short but long. Not even 2 weeks. Almost 2 weeks. Mighty stuff. Couldn’t wait. Pumped! Although. What do you do for 10 days on a big old boot? Is what I was asked. Which is what I was mulling. As I packed my bag. 10 days. In the middle of nowhere. No phone. Sans internet. 10 days. Jesus. Barely go 10 minutes without checking one of those. 1 day was an unreal laugh before. 9 more? Too many more? Might it be spreading the butter a tad thin. Might be stranded. In the middle of the Caribbean ocean. Not actually sure who’s going either. Ah no. It’ll be dancing. 10 days. Wonder what we’ll do. Quickly found out. 10 days on a yacht. What do you do? You, ehh, have… Continue Reading »

Goosaruu’d. Duckaduu’d.

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New fussball team. Gypsy F.C. Giddy up. Quality team. Currently vying for a spot with a man who has captained the English fussball team. And another chap who has won the World Cup. Seriously. Obviously they too were impressed with my Collingwood and Crowley winning days. Hoviously. Anyways. Fun team to play on. First game tonight. First win tonight. Wuu duu. Gypo on. Unfortunately. Now. I. Am. Goosed. Beyond belief, kind of goosed. Hottest day in creation today in L-Hey. Ran through to the night. Hot as funk. Heat was hot. Now has me rambling. Go on the exhaustion. Drivel me this. Anyways, a lot of Bananarmama cocktails were sweated out. Booze oozed. Merkatinis. Ye whures! And now. Too goosed to finish off my original gibber blogaruu. All aboot Smurfs too. Mighty gibber. Tomorrow. Runner up. Horse up this article which appeared in the Sunday Independent a few weeks ago. Only realised today it was online. Sweet Lord, dragging this out. Should really know by now when to just sto… Continue Reading »

Sea! No Hangover…

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Woke up. Stood up. Swaying. Big time. Bounced off one wall. Slid into the bathroom. Drunk? Eh. Hungover? No. Should be. Thankfully. Not in the slightest. Just a tad tired. Drink all the fruity Merlins, Jerk and Merkatinis cocktails that I can come up with. Hangovers don’t exist in the land I’m in now. Figured that out after the first 3 days. No Fear to fear here. Plain sailing. In the land of the sea. Left my brain back at the port. Hangover off! Climb the spiraling stairs from my cabin. Hey hup. Fresh fruit platter me up. Brunch on. Stewardeses scurrying aboot. Smiling while I order. Cursing me with their eyes at my order. Good old healthy eating. Eat what you have to. So you can drink what you want. Wrap it all up with a please and danke. Continue Reading »

Enough Talk, More Music!!!

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Remember the days the blogaruu was popping off on a daily basis? Remember that?! Fun days. Where has it all gone wrong. Or right. Past two weeks have been quite quiet on le blogaruu. Good for me, bad for you. Seeing this means more than likely doing something ridiculous, fun and surreal all together at once. Yet real, really fun and no longer ridiculous. Pretty mighty. In fact, the past two weeks have been funking savage! I’ll attempt to gibber it out in the next blogaruu. Parts at least. Until then, some music gibber to get me back in the flow. Seeing as I just got an odd urge for cheese. Don’t even like cheese. Along with an even odder urge to get to work. Write. Scribble. Release. Time to turn up the gibber flow a notch. Let the mind run dumbly free. Anyways, enough talk, more music! Continue Reading »