Category Archives: Writing

Bob And Norm

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Bob – Drive-By Truckers

So my buddy Bob is visiting at the moment. Two weeks in LA, first time here. Go on the Bob! Now I fully realise what it’s like to be a single parent. No longer just a randumb dope on my own. Permanent plus one as well. Juggling tour guidance with work. Detached from my own thoughts. Neglecting my mistress, el blogaruu. Tough going for a Nark like myself. Which is why I’ve now taken a vow of abstinence until marriage. Better safe than sorry. Ahum’p. Like a few of my buddies, Bob has bought my book Randumb, but hasn’t read it. Doesn’t actually admit this to me, so I like to ask him what’s his favourite part and then he changes the subject (Unless he just has no favourite part! Ha. Eh. Meh). As a result it’s fair to say he had no clue what to expect of the LA way. Bob, say goodbye to Norm… Continue Reading »

Great Expectations! Oh St. Pa’tricks…

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I’m Shipping Up to Boston – Dropkick Murphys

Blogaruu, she’s been a while! My bad for the delay. Quite busy with vital stuff. Such as realising that I might be a fairy (apparently fairies can only handle or feel one emotion at a time. I am a full on fairy. Call me Tinker). And speaking of menstrual cycles… So back in the day, whenever a girl complained to me about cramps, I would complain back about people who complain a lot. Until I realised I actually can empathise. I too get man periods. Once a month. Every month. Rent cramps kick in. So now, I feel their pain. Similarly, whenever a girl complained about the thought of giving birth, I would shrug my shoulders and mention never having to deal with the pain of getting a kick in the fuss-balls. Until for some reason I thought about it like this: Imagine a little person exiting through the back door of your gift shop. If you know what I mean. I don’t think guys can fathom anything leaving through the front door, what with us not having one and all. But the back door seems to make it imaginable. Imagine that pain. Ripping. Tearing. Uncooperative. Sweet. Holy. Jesus. Must be ridiculous. Even thinking of it now is making my sphincter scream and squirm. So now I kind of understand the terror girls must have. Even worse, imagine if after all that, the child was to turn out like someone like the person writing this? For all that pain?! Dose. Apologies, Mum. Continue Reading »

The World’s Greatest Fencer!

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Nothing In My Way – Keane

Apparently the world’s greatest ever fencer is Aldo Nani. You know, the Italian guy. Yeah, him. Google’s greatest fencer of all time. Let’s say you decided one day you wanted to become the next greatest fencer the world has ever seen. At the very least, one of the best around. That was your goal. Now you needed a plan. Maybe watch some others fencing. Read a bit about fencing. Mostly importantly, practice fencing… Once a week? Maybe once every two weeks. Sometimes, when other stuff needed to be done, you’d actually forget the last time you fenced. Either way, sounds like a mighty plan. Right?! You’d be a world class fencer in notime! Surely? Too easy! Dancin… Nay. You ape. Bob Hope. Well, unless you were naturally a fencing prodigy. If not, only a dumb ape would have such a dumb plan. I know this. Yet, I’ve been applying this mighty plan to stand-up? Well done. Continue Reading »

Do X, Y And Z! Or… Just Watch TV?

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Beat The Devil’s Tattoo – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Exciting news! Got a haircut the other day. How exciting! Thought I looked like a penguin after it. Imagine!? Put my face where the big white belly part of the penguin is… Go on the Penguin! Until I saw the Oscars last night. Realised I actually have the same haircut as Halle Berry. Kind of nice of the hairdresser. Usually I end up with a Big Bird or Ellen Degeneres look. I’ll take Halle. Anyways, as I was saying, I watched the Oscars last night. Followed by a couple episodes of Seinfeld. Too many episodes of Sex and the City. Bit of stand-up on Youtube. Then some something something. Ending with some sleep. Something something is obviously reading a book. Obviously. Fun night, to be true. Although, a bit different to last year. Last year, out galavanting, going to some Oscar parties, contemplating running off with a winner’s Oscar that someone thrust into my hands, ending the night with me getting booted off a radio station back in Ireland, when they thought my response to ‘What are you doing right now that’s really crazy?!‘ (Emm, I’m having a cup of tea) actually meant I was on drugs. Well done. Continue Reading »

Shoulder Padded Turtle Necks

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I’ll Try Anything Once – Julian Casablancas

Confession time: For far too long a period growing up I used to wear turtlenecks. As in, all the time. Pre denim jacket phase. Post oversized sports jacket. Turtlenecks were my item of choice. Anywhere. Everywhere. All the time. Must’ve thought I was French. Or Sean Connery. Not sure if they were actually in fashion according to the herd, but I assume I thought they were the greatest thing of all time. Every significant memory I have from the ages 15-18 involve me wearing a turtleneck. Maybe even push that up to 20. Clearly remember my first turtleneck. Saw it in a wardrobe at home one day. Wondered who owned it. Looks like my kind of top. Looks kind of cool. Let’s see what it looks like on… Oh Betsy! My distorted image of myself in the mirror telling me I was looking good! Very cool! Mum? Muuuuuuuuuummmmmmm! MMMMUUUUUUUMMMM!!!! MUMM!? Mum? Mum?!! MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… Oh, hi Mum. Who owns this top? Pardon? You!? Who? No way! Can I have it? Pardon me? Shoulder pads? Oh yeah, wasn’t sure what they were. Pretty cool though, aren’t they!? Right? No? Guys don’t wear shoulder pads? Says who, Mum? What do they know!?! I look cool Mum, don’t I? Sure I do, Mum? Mum? MUU… Continue Reading »

The Ultimate Randumb Experience!

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I Can’t Go For That (Member’s Only Remix) – Halls & Oates

Earlier today I saw an offer from an author on Twitter. Buy my book in bulk. Get an experience in return. Buy 75 books: Get a personalised thank you video. Buy 350 books: Have a one hour chat with me on Skype. That kind of thing. Book whuring full on. Honestly I found it pre-tty bizarre. I’m happy when someone buys one copy of Randumb. Who would buy in bulk like that? Was this not just a way to buy your way into the Amazon or New York Times Bestseller charts?! Why did it reek of used car salesman techniques?! Focus. What am I having for lunch!?

Anyways. Apparently. It works. People like to do this kind of thing. Amazing. I know. The author in question (Gary Vaynerchuk) told me he got 100’s of people doing it for his first book. No way… Yes way. Interesting. Got me thinking. Perhaps it’s time for an ultimate Randumb experience. You buy my mighty book. In return. Personally touched. By. Me. Wuu! Duu? So. Here are the mighty experiences I and my team of I have come up with. Please form an orderly queue. Touch on! Continue Reading »