Category Archives: Writing

Book Bonanza! Reading Extravaganza!!!

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Resurrection – PPK

Anyone want some free books? Tricks Hayes Giveaway! Ordered a flurry last week off Amazon. Next day delivery! Next day. No delivery. Next week!? No delivery. Amazon swore: We delivery’ed. Apartment security checked CCTV cameras. Informed me that a gang of ‘mysterious, elderly, bag-carrying women’ appear to have stolen the books. Ok? Mighty. Re-ordered. Next day. Books arrived. Following day. First batch mysteriously show up. Remains an unsolved mystery. Odd but an amazing tale! Anyways. Now I have the same three books twice. No use to me. So I shall horse them out to anyone who is interested. All that is required:  You can read. And. You live somewhere in America. Postage reasons. I know. Dose. If you’re eligible, enter on in! Just do any one of these… Continue Reading »

Randumb Free Chapter!

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Daddy Cool (Chris Moody & DJ Riz Remix) – Boney M

LADIES...

Big day. Main goal. Buy sheets for my bed. Using my hand towel as a pillow and bath towel for a blanket was getting a bit unrealistic. A damp bed is never fun. The two girls invited me along to Santa Monica to go shopping with them. Seemed they wanted to buy me a pair of proper jeans anyways. Not that they don’t like my style, I’m told. More that they just absolutely hate my jeans: Loose, not too baggy, not too skinny. Hate them with a passion. Skinny is the new look. According to them. Honestly can’t stand skinny jeans. Can’t stand comfortably in them. However. When in LA. Sell your soul. Santa Monica shopping all the way! Continue Reading »

How I Nailed An Audition With My Head!

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Cinema – Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go

One thing I oddly rarely do is auditing. Which is odd. Since growing up I wanted to be an auditor. True. Read my book prologue. If it’s in that, you know it’s the truth! Another thing I oddly rarely do is audition. Which is odd. Since I live in LA and I thought the whole reason I moved here was for acting. Or writing. Or something. Read my book prologue. That is also in it, so must be some form of gibber truth? Anyways, last night I get an email from LA Models. (Remember?They signed me on donkeys ago?) Email which went something exactly like this… Continue Reading »

Smells Like Summer. Tastes Like Christmas Tree.

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Need You Now – Cut Copy

Invaluable few lessons have re-reared their heads in the past few days. Just in case I ever forgot…

1. It only takes an instant to dislike me.

Kind of odd. Take tonight. Met my buddy Chowder in Barneys for a pint. Ordered up. Standing at the bar. Random girl sitting on a bar-stool groans at me…
Can you leave?
Excuse me?
I don’t like the look of you. You’re in my way. Just leave.
What do you mean? Do I know you?
What’s your problem? Get out of my area!
(Now is when I copped on that this strange ape was instantly offended merely by my presence. Oddly, I instantly disliked her just by her mouth opening.)
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: What a ghoul bag).
She said… Are you deaf? Get out of my area, I can’t see the rest of the bar.
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: Her friends are quite hot. Pity she’s an ape).
She said… Are you dumb too? Do you not speak English? Get away from this area! You’re blocking my view.
So I said… Pardon? (Thinking: And her breath stinks. Three for three).
She said… Can you not say anything else? I’m warning you. Leave! You’re so ugly.
So I said… Continue Reading »

I Am A Sex

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Snake Charmer – Bag Raiders

No doubt you will remember well from ages ago in the blog, I quoted a line from Whoopi in Sister Act 2. Remember that? Obviously. You know… “If you wake up thinking about singing, then you are a singer.” Whatever you think about all day is what you are, kind of thing. Leading me to the conclusion at the time that Whoopi was profound (let’s ignore the fact it was a script) and that I was a: Writer. DJ. Woman. Well it turns out that Whoopi did not just come up with that herself on the spot. Nay. Comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson I do believe “A man is what he thinks about all day”. Discovered this today. Obviously this then made me reconsider Whoopi’s genius. And, in turn, rethink my original conclusion for myself. Do I still spend my time thinking about writing, DJing and women all day? Have I evolved? Stagnated? Regressed? What have I been doing all week? What is it I am now?! Time to figure out… Continue Reading »

Octo-Ape!

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Paganini Rocks (Feat. Au Revoir Simone) – Robortom

What an unreal week! Simply amazing. Brimful with the most amazingly pointless revelations one could have. Amazing. Take Sunday night. 5 in the morning. Big breakthrough. Shook me to the core. After years and years of thinking – nay -knowing the opposite, something finally clicked… Christian Bale and Jason Bateman are actually not brothers. What what?! Ridiculously pointless. Ridiculously wrong. For years I thought they were. Why? Because Christian Bale played the character Patrick Bateman before…? I know! Incredible!!!… ly dumb. Actually gave Jason Bateman more credit for being his brother too. Christian was the really intense actor so his brother tried to be the funny one. Good balance. I did wonder why he never said anything when it was claimed Christian attacked his Mum and sister though. Kind of odd, not sticking up for the family. And again, no sound-bite about the incident with Senor Bale and the sound stage guy? No one ever asked Jason for his opinion? Why was that, I wondered. Always found it peculiar. Now I know why. Some revelation. Amazing. What else has my brain got wrong? What other facts has is made up or misconstrued? I assume buckets… Continue Reading »