If The Mountain Won’t Come To The Prophidiot…

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Woke Up New – Mountain Goats

You know when you’re lost in a valley of mountains. You’re standing at the foot of one of the mountains. And you’re all like… What the funk?! I just climbed a mountain. Seriously. Just did it. Look! And everyone looks as you point to the smaller mountain behind you… Now you’re telling me I have to climb this one as well? This is even bigger too! From the very bottom? All the way to the top again? For funk’s sake. I thought that first mountain might’ve been enough? Surely that’s plenty? Just retire after that? No? It’s not?! For funk… Who’s in charge of this bull-sugar?! Tut. Someone promised me it would be easier than this. Tut. So you decide you’re just going to stand there. Looking at the mountain. Mouth open. Head cocked to the side. Tuting away. King Tut. Waiting for something to appear. Anything at all. Until nothing does. So you just start climbing up again… Continue Reading »

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How I Nailed An Audition With My Head!

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Cinema – Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go

One thing I oddly rarely do is auditing. Which is odd. Since growing up I wanted to be an auditor. True. Read my book prologue. If it’s in that, you know it’s the truth! Another thing I oddly rarely do is audition. Which is odd. Since I live in LA and I thought the whole reason I moved here was for acting. Or writing. Or something. Read my book prologue. That is also in it, so must be some form of gibber truth? Anyways, last night I get an email from LA Models. (Remember?They signed me on donkeys ago?) Email which went something exactly like this… Continue Reading »

Oh Sweet Jesus… Why Am I Singing?!

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Just Walkin’ In The Rain – The Prisonaires

On the upside… I think I’m in love! Funk me pink… I am! I’m in love. Monday truly was a mighty day! On the downside… Currently waging a war against an army of ailments. Pretty sure I might be allergic to the flu. Keep sneezing when I’m around my sick roommate. Unwittingly flew back from San Fran straight into a flu-den. Tut. Dose. Can’t remember the last time I was sick. Besides mentally, says you. And hungoverly, say I. (Actually I do know exactly when. First week of January 2009. The week before I moved to L-Hey. Left my ailments in Ireland!). Not happy. Very stuffy. All that gibber. However. No time to be ill. Which is why it shall be positive on. All that gibber. Sick?! Tut. Nay! I’m in love! Positive on! Me shall see. So back to me falling in love… Continue Reading »

The Death Of Pointless Notes

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Two age old conundrums which have confused apes for never: Which is more important, petrol or cake? Tough one. Good one. And the other… What does a bucket and a chariot have in common? That is a tad easier. Starts with an M and ends with an ape. Wuu. Lucky them! If you have been reading my gibber since way back when – when what? – or one of the hundreds of thousands of people to have read my book of gibber, you might remember my love affair with… The Bucket. Remember. Shudder. The One. Heartbreak. Ridicule. Agony. Frustration. Sadness. Despair. Delighted. Well, delighted when I eventually sold my old truck and stopped going on and on and on about it. My old truck which looked like a rusty old bucket. Smelt like fake tan.  Kept breaking down. Which is the technical term for when you run out of petrol. Yes indeed, I am that clueless. Well, was that clueless. Slightly better now. Although this gibber begs to differ… Continue Reading »

Come On Donkey!

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You know what you can’t beat? A donkey kick in the head. Particularly at 5 in the morning. Figuratively. Obviously. Kicking through a few barriers. Ploughing you on. When least expected. Wee hours of this morning. Sitting. Thinking. Still so much to do. Add layers. Do this. Do that. So much. To do. Especially the more I think about it. Keep thinking. Of how much there is to do. Nice cloud of frustration forming. Go on, wrap it around your brain. That’s the answer. That’ll get things done. Think. Think. Think. Why is it not getting done? Continue Reading »