My One Night Stand…

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Miss You – The Rolling Stones

Very sad day. Just took down my Christmas tree. Meant to do it last weekend but I couldn’t bear the thought/too lazy. Now it’s down. Meaning Christmas is over. Done. Dusted. Out. Buried. No more. Hard to take. Although the thing is:

Does Christmas ever even start in LA?

Ehh…

No.

Not at all.

Week leading up to Christmas: No buzz. At all. Few places had decorations up, of course. Shops were plumping and pimping out Christmas deals. But all felt fake. Selling. As opposed to cheerful. Plus, I too was working a good bit – Book on – so it kept my mind off the cold, hardened, heathen, non-Christmas buzz in the air. People don’t even say ‘Happy Christmas’ here. It’s all ‘Happy Holidays!’ Just in case you somehow offend someone? Funk. That. Christmas. On! Ye whures.

Pint Per Pub. Shots Encouraged, But Purely Optional...

As always, 12 Pubs of Christmas held high hopes for kicking the Christmas buzz into gear. As always, initial responses to the mighty pub crawl were lukewarm/confused/uninterested/horrendous. Mighty. Thankfully, closer to the day, a group formed, Christmas jumpers were purchased, and the crawl was on. (Either way I was going on it but always nicer to have others in dodgy Christmas jumpers join you on your way.)

That was a good hoot at least. Quite and polite at first. Chug and chug at second. Warming up at third. Banter at fourth. And people out of their shells at five. As always, one quiet guy in the group burst out of his shell with a demonic smile. Hilarious guy who I know only as Dave. Don’t remember much about him. Just that Continue Reading »

Victim Hayes

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Lights And Music – Cut Copy

Not sure where newspapers get photos of me. An educated guess is that they pull them out of a bag of cats. Photos with both my eyes closed. One just after a soccer match, panting, sweating, looking with one wonky eye. The most recent one has me looking like Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Remember, he was a blind, feeble old man? Well, just like that except I also look like I’m sitting in a wheelchair. Don’t get my wrong, delighted with newspapers picking up on my current ranking of being rated #1 on the Amazon Humour charts. Obviously. Just a pity they don’t ask for a photo. Anything at all. Potentially, I’m better looking than that. No, no: Seriously. In the right light. With the right make-up. And the right amount of airbrushing. I’m fairly sure I can scrub up better than that. I swear. Ah stop… Continue Reading »

Smells Like Summer. Tastes Like Christmas Tree.

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Need You Now – Cut Copy

Invaluable few lessons have re-reared their heads in the past few days. Just in case I ever forgot…

1. It only takes an instant to dislike me.

Kind of odd. Take tonight. Met my buddy Chowder in Barneys for a pint. Ordered up. Standing at the bar. Random girl sitting on a bar-stool groans at me…
Can you leave?
Excuse me?
I don’t like the look of you. You’re in my way. Just leave.
What do you mean? Do I know you?
What’s your problem? Get out of my area!
(Now is when I copped on that this strange ape was instantly offended merely by my presence. Oddly, I instantly disliked her just by her mouth opening.)
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: What a ghoul bag).
She said… Are you deaf? Get out of my area, I can’t see the rest of the bar.
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: Her friends are quite hot. Pity she’s an ape).
She said… Are you dumb too? Do you not speak English? Get away from this area! You’re blocking my view.
So I said… Pardon? (Thinking: And her breath stinks. Three for three).
She said… Can you not say anything else? I’m warning you. Leave! You’re so ugly.
So I said… Continue Reading »