The Lump


Harvest Moon – Neil Young

For all of those asking, I’ve been on a breaking. Finished up a big lump of a book draft, over 171,000 words of muck. Some chunk. Needed a break for a week. Thank you.

While on holiday I’ve been spending some time in a couple of my buddies’ studios. Working on their albums. I sat in. Watched them weave their magic. Unleash their genius. Fun to watch. Funking mighty, actually. Some ridiculously savage songs on the way. Ye heard it here first! Gems all round!!!

While watching and inputing and twiddling and singing along, I also realised that them and I are all in a similar situation. Kind of. See, they’re working on albums. I’m working on a book. They have lots of songs. I have lots and lots of words. They need to pick out the best ones. And I need to pick out my best ones. Amazing.

However, mine is a far, far, far tougher task. Obviously.

20 songs: Pick ten or twelve.

171,000 words: Pick 75,000 – 80,000.

No brainer. Books are far tougher. Which is why I get paid considerably more millions than them. Obviously. Particularly as I have some big old lump of muck on my hands at the moment. First drafts are sugar and all those quotes.

Just Name The Funking Rose

So I just started writing this book. Plan off. Write on. Initially it was going to be called RanDumber. So I wrote it as RanDumber. Then I decided it might be more suitable to call it “Something Else Which I May Still Use In The Future So I Won’t Say Now”. So I wrote it as “S.E.W.I.M.S.U.I.T.F.S.I.W.S.N”.  But then I thought that the perfect name for it was actually “Soon To Be Announced!”. And then towards the end I decided it was the perfect name. So the end was written accordingly. But eh, not really the rest.

Which is why I now have a big lump of muck with all different styles and tones used throughout. This also lead to stories being told from different angles from the way I now need to tell them. Plus, I signed with a new publisher about halfway through, so that changed things slightly as well: Why not make it two books?!

As well as that, parts weren’t going to mention sexual adventures so details were cut. Then for some reason other parts did mention such adventures so details were poured on like a horny dog pouring gravy over a bone. Pardon?

All of which has left me with a sexually confused lump currently sitting in my lap.

All Aboot The Edit!

Well, to an untrained eye it is a lump of muck.

Thankfully, I am currently working with a mighty editor who is spotting the gems, the structure, the unnecessary and the what-who-now-oh-yeah-perfect-that-is-what-I-meant-in-that-part-I-swear throughout it all. Polish. On!

So after initial praise ‘This is hilarious! Can’t stop laughing.’ (Wuu huu!). Followed by ‘Yeah you need to cull all of this section’ (What?! You want me to just cut thousands and thousands of my beautiful words?? Nooooo!!!) I managed to overcame a wobble and the edit is now in full flow. I can finally see the trees. Who cares about the forrest or the woods. All about the trees. I sees!

All of which is my demented way of saying I’m currently slicing, dicing and chopping up my mangled muck lump, polishing off the diamonds and gems so that “Soon To Be Announced!” will be out dancing in time for the Christmas rush!

Which is pretty mighty.

Desert. Mushrooms. Dragons. Killers. 

Speaking of mighty, during my break I went to the desert for a couple of days. Luxury resort in the middle of barren land and cruel death defying heat. Thank funk for A/C. And swimming pools. Spas. King-sized beds. Massages. Cocktails. Mushrooms. Scrambled eggs. Doing nothing. Talking to dragons. Pretending to being a Grandad from Missippi. Who also seemed to be a little black boy. More cocktails. Guinness. Chilling. Reading. Sleeping. Kailands. All that! Desert. On!

Except the food poisoning on the last night. That was dodge. Blame the lobster.

Oh yeah, during the week off I was also chirping in on another Rudebox Radio. So that should be on the way soon. Always a good hoot. Any new readers reading along because of the last one, welcome to the land of gibber. Fill up your dish!

And actually, just before that break I also did an improv show. Which was mighty. Two weeks of doing intensive improv. Sharpening the mind. The brain. The tongue. The wit. All that. Being told you can’t kill people in a scene in order to get rid of them. Instead coming up with clever ways of culling people from a scene. Particularly if they were dodgy scene killers. As in scene ruiners. As in just stop. You’re ruining the show. So that was fun.

Followed by a show in UCB. Also quite dancing. Made me realise you could do two things:

Be cool and not be good.


Get over yourself and go dancing.

Dance. On!

Stand Up Ye Whure!

Perfect timing for getting back on stage too. Especially as the stand-up shall now be back on. Dumbly took a break while finishing the book. As I am dumb.

However, on a good note, I’ve been practicing new material and stories on various folk. So far, so mighty.

In fact I just made someone fall out of their chair and onto the ground from laughing at two of my tales.

So surely that’s a good sign.

Now then. Lump off. Polish on!

On’n’On – Justice

(P.S. Sign on for updates direct to your email too if you like, up the top right of this page! Then folk shall know when the blogaruu is dancing. As opposed to dropping me passive aggressive emails about me going on the missing list. Ahem.)

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