LonDumb – Part III

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Stage

Continuing on from LonDumb – Part I and LonDumb – Part II

Everything’s Gonna Be All Right (Oliver Nelson Remix) – Barry Manilow

So I’m at Will Call. On my right, a big huge queue. Chunky as funk. Balls, I’m going to be here ages. Steward nudges me inside the line. Thank you. Actually. Is this the only queue? Not unless I’m picking up VIP tickets? Actually, boss, I am! Points me to the walkway on the left hand side. Oh yeah. I see a V and an I and a P over that window down there. Skip on. Swoop the golden (purple) ticket. Take a look. Robbie Williams. O2 Arena. All access. AAA. Good to go. Let’s get this show on the road! Handed a map with my ticket. You are here. Go all the way over there. OK. This a way. Start strolling through the arena. Big old place. Bucket load of people. Toe to heel. Slow walkers. Place is packed. Feels like I’m at a soccer match. Except instead of everyone being here to see twenty two players on a pitch, they’re all here to see one man sing. Pretty cool. Rob’s poster all over the shop. Groups of fans singing songs. Daughters, sisters, mothers. All giddy. All ready. All aboard!

Five minutes later I’m still walking through throngs of people. Novelty has worn off. Out of me way. Kind of late, ish. Past the F gate. Scuttle past the G section. Get to H, holy ground. Although, huge queue at this gate too. Line snaking up and down and up and down and keeps on going. Huh? Thought I was getting VIPed through, all these people are too? This is a disgrace, I say! Ask a steward – Am I in the right place? Looks at my ticket. Almost drops to his knee. ‘My lord, I am not worthy.’ Starts kissing my hand and asking for my forgiveness. Kind of odd. Tell him to get up. Ask again if this is the right place where I should be? ‘Follow me!’ Drops what he’s doing (barricading a burly woman from skipping the queue). Parts the red sea for me. Through the crowd. Points to the H gate, the other one. Oh, right, mighty. Beckons to another steward, fills him in quickly about who I am (a triple A ticket holder!). They both then form a King’s throne for me with their arms and carry me seated the rest of the way to my entrance. Nice chaps, Ollie and Tim, I made sure to tip them well. (Never leave home without a tissue!) Continue Reading »

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Boys Town To Manhattan!

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New York New York – Frank Sinatra

So I land. Collect my bag. Walk out the airport doors. Cross the zebra crossing. And hear a guy stuck in traffic shouting at me out of his mini van window. “Welcome to New York, you’re going to rock it in this city, am I right?!” Before I get a chance to reply Why yes sir, I certainly hope so! he adds on… “And I hope you get raped!!” OK? Thanks? Oh Jesus. I’m in New York. Continue Reading »

Weekend at Bernie’s

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Running Up That Hill (Louis La Roche Remix) – Kate Bush

Some things in L.A appear will never change. Not unless I do, anyway. Such as, people calling me by the wrong name over and over. Ever growing list at this stage. The usuals still apply. Merrick. Eric. Omar. Moved on a lot to Merk. Murk. Maaaaarrrk. Sometimes when I say my full name I get mistaken for a Mexican guy named Marquez. And then at one point someone working at Coffee Bean thought my name was America. Combination of being asked a question by two people at the same time: ‘Your name… Merrick?’ ‘So a large coffee?’ Eh, Mark – Yeah… ‘Coffee for America!’ Although another time I asked for coffee recently I got the reply: ‘Cathy? I’m not too sure. Let me check – Hey guys, does a Cathy work here? Sorry man, no Cathy.’

So that was fun.

Considering all of the name confusion that has already occurred due to my accent and mumbles (along with everyone in L.A having lazy ears, tut), I was still a bit surprised about my name morphing earlier on today: Continue Reading »

RanDumber. Out Now. Free Book! Happy St. Pa’Tricks Day!

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Come On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners

I am quite giddy and also quite tired but both and neither matter. What matters is that RanDumber being available to buy online on Paddy’s Day is now a reality. Oh. Betsy. Dancing! Some day! HAPPY ST. PA’TRICKS HAYES ALL THE WAY!!!

As it stands, it’s available to buy on Amazon.com so far. You. Fecking. Beauty.

If you would like to get the ball rolling and snap a mighty copy up -> GO HERE!

For all the mighty Kindle readers out there -> GO HERE NOW!

Kindle folk in the UK -> YEE HUU!

In celebration of such a mighty occasion, RanDumb (rated #1 on Amazon Humor) shall be free for three days! If you would like that for  free-> GO HERE!

In case you were wondering, a mighty introduction was written by… Well just have a look and see. Duu. For now, I must sleep a bit. Did I tell you I saw Jerry Seinfeld in stand-up a few hours ago. What a show. What a man! Genius. Mighty to see. That is the bar. Could this day be any better?!! I’ll shall be back later with more gibber and a video to boot too. Wuu. Huu. Now go: Pants. Off. Read. On!!!!

Celebration – Kool & The Gang

Just The Tip O’ The, I Swear…

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End of the year. Wuu. Great time. People copying and pasting inspirational quotes all over the place. So that’s deep and profound.  Also a wonderful time of year for people feeling an immense desire to give you their Best of Year Lists. Top 100 Moments of 2011! Top 84 Songs of the Year! Top 34 of Nothing! Thankfully, I shall not be doing this. Nay, nay. I’ll just be doing the tip, I swear…

My list shall consist of mighty things that happened in 2011 that I can think of off the top of my head right now. In absolutely zero order. Pure. Gibber. Mayhem.

And we’re off… Continue Reading »

Rent? Oh And Groceries. Obviously.

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Sunny (Mercury II Edit) – Marvin Gaye

Good morning. Proper Christmas blogaruu to come soon, hopefully. In lieu until then, how aboot some of my gibbering along on my buddy’s radio show? Mighty? I know! Rudebox on…

Ehh… Christmas Clothes.

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I Got The – Labi Siffre

Sometimes I like to just go for a cruise and think about the Dutch way of life. Not sure why. Other times I like to go up to Mulholland Drive and gibbering along on my buddy’s podcast. So here is episode two of that! (Apologies. Horrendous. Ha.)

I do believe my stint as a weather girl is my best input: Hot. Apres that. Ahem. Listen on… Continue Reading »