Muck Man vs The Adonis



Dear Dairy,

How are you today? I am good. That is nice. Long time no gibber. Hope you’re not sour. It’s been a month since we spoke last. So much gibber to flow. Where to start? Yesterday a guy at the coffee shop called out my name as Muck when my coffee was ready. Muck?! What a hoot. Now, what else… Continue Reading »

Feel It… Feel It!!!

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Have you ever felt invalid? Actually, that’s wrong, I’ll rephrase that… Have you ever made yourself feel like an invalid? If you ever want to, here’s an efficient way. Simply walk to the gym. Using a crutch. Carrying a can of Red Bull. A bottle of water. Your phone. Plus your iPod. And finally, your keys too. Not forgetting, you’re devoting one arm and hand fully to the crutch. And you’ve worn your shorts with no pockets. Carrying all the rest more or less with the one free hand. Ok, now to make yourself feel a bit useless, here’s what to do. Continue Reading »

No Complaints

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After my stupidly cocky sentence yesterday – along the lines of me flying with the writing, should be finished today, I am so productive, I managed to do a third of it in the last few hours, I am brilliant – the inevitable, was inevitably, going to happen. I accomplished bob all today. Well, compared to yesterday at least. I managed to get one scene good to go in the final act. And re-wrote a few other scenes which I had finished previously. Again.

However, I shall not complain about the decrease in progress today. The reason, which I now try to stick to as much as I can, is that nobody enjoys other people complaining. Its just tiring. Unless it is a short, brief, humorous complaint. However, if it occurs over and over, you just don’t want to be around that person. Or read that blog. They get cut.

For example, I think I could easily complain to Red Bull, if I was so inclined. While chugging back my regular can of Bull just before the gym earlier, I noticed something peculiar. I don’t drink it for pleasure, just for the buzz it gives me, so I’m not one to savour the taste. Opened the can, opened my mouth, and gulped back a big mouthful, maybe half the can. As I swallowed, all in one swoop, I noticed there was something solid going down with the liquid, and before you could say “Gulp”, it was all down the hatch. No clue what it was, in the slightest. I almost hope it was a rat’s toe, or a mouse’s finger. As long as it doesn’t kill me, it will just make the story better, so I can’t really complain. If I do ever get to find out. I shall be inspecting, ahem.

This change in complaint attitude, comes from living in L.A. Polar opposite to Cork. It is the most optimistic place you will ever be, ridiculously so. I imagine the suicide rate is quite high though. I never said it was genuine optimism, but still, fake of that, is far better than real pessimism. Another thing about L.A, in a similar fashion, is that people there will genuinely go out of their way to help you. More so than usual. The amount of invaluable help that I’ve gotten for free is unreal… acting classes, writing advice are the top two I can think of. However, I’ve also never been anywhere where people will try to con you so much, or at least try to make some money out of you, by luring you in with false hope of real help.

The key to getting the right balance, is to know when to pull out. Thats what she said. Apologies. Honestly though, if you can spot that a seeming potential offer of help, is actually going to be spoof or extremely costly, just reverse the roles, and let on that you are interested, but what are the perks going to be. Could you show me a free example perhaps. Just make sure to cut the chord, usually right before either your pants, or their’s, are asked to be taken off.

This happened to me today. The “Hey, long time no speak, how’s it all going, how can I help” spiel. A writing course, which I was sussing out, months back, built themselves up as the only way in to Hollywood. If you don’t learn how to write with us, then there’s no point in you even trying. That kind of thing. They had me worried.

After I had initially contacted them, and given my back story, they replied with the usual stuff, listing out every successful person who has been through their door, or walked by it. There is only one possible way that I could be as successful as them, and that is by doing this course they provided. And then that course. We are here to help, especially in this tough economic time. We are here to help you. Not to make a profit. Just to help. We are almost a charity. All this crap.

I say with full confidence that it is pure and utter crap, after I recieved his 6th email. The first 5 lengthy emails were about how he was purely here to help me, he now thought of me as a friend, I shouldn’t hamper my immense potential anymore, let him help me to unleash it, and so on. The 6th was dashed with words of encouragement, hiding the price list at the very end. Here she blows…

Online Professional Membership Fee and Payment Options:

For 4 Project Cycles (check one)

$4,995 payable upon registration or

$2595 initial payment followed by 18 consecutive monthly payments of $150 or

$1895 initial payment followed by 20 consecutive monthly payments of $175 or

$1095 initial payment followed by 22 consecutive monthly payments of $200

So, I emailed back, oh very interested, especially at such a competitive rate, I think I will sign up. Just a few more questions… what kind of stuff could you do for t.v, in particular sitcoms? Which route should someone writing a sitcom take next? What pointers could you give me exactly? I knew this was going to be my last email, so might as well try for free advice.

Doesn’t seem like much, but I managed to get  one Word document of “Basic Notes On Television Writing”. Handy when you are lacking the basics, like myself, although I was familiar with a few. I just didn’t heed them too well when I was first told them first time around…

Writers Boot Camp

Basic Notes on Television Writing

1. A spec script is one that is written on “speculation” (without pay).  In the world of TV staffing, a spec script is one that emulates an episode of a particular series.

2. Writers breaking into television generally do so by writing spec scripts.

3. Writing spec scripts is really a process of proving to a potential employer, a showrunner,  that you have the acumen and talent to work for them.

4. The three traits of a spec script worthy of submission are:

a)     Amazing storyline ideas never done before on the series;

b)    Nailing the character voices, expectations and series conceits;

c)     Out loud funny, if comedy; provocative, if drama.

5. While there are exceptions to rules by exceptional people, it’s still not recommended to new writers to write original pilots–except as an exercise. 

6. Of course, it’s positive to write anything, but most writers who haven’t written spec scripts will fail the challenge of breaking down their own show, and most writers without staff experience will not have the opportunity to run their own show.

7. A stunt spec is one that might resurrect a series from the past, or combine two series.  They are difficult to pull off, but certainly worth doing as an exercise.

8. In addition to having a good personality, it usually takes at least two GREAT spec scripts, and often a third piece of original material, for an agent to champion you as someone to represent.

9. The challenge is that it may take writing many scripts for any to be great.

10. Decide whether you are a comedic or dramatic writer.  Choose your projects accordingly.

11. Choose spec scripts for shows that will be on the air for a couple of years.

12. Choose spec scripts that are established–so that readers are familiar with the show–yet that are not such evergreens that it would be difficult to create unique storylines.

13. It’s generally a good idea to write one of the top five shows in your chosen genre.

14. Dramedy is not a very effective word, description or genre, so don’t use it.

15. While the distinctions of writing for television are important, television and feature are more similar than they are different.

16. The main difference between writing for television and features is that each series has its own established conceits and structural parameters, which supersede standard expectations.

17. When writing a spec script, you would write a Unity Page for the series AND for each storyline in the episode.

18. The 3-6-3 is optional for television writing due to the fact that there are less scenes per script in comparison to a feature, and there are multiple storylines further reducing the challenging of managing structure.

19. All basic series television formats fall within the guidelines of Main Character-Driven, Four Segment Story Structure. 

20. When writing a spec, you should study the episodes and storylines of the existing series to understand its requirements.

21. Too few writers investigate the history and workings of a series enough to bring fresh ideas that reach beyond the typical storylines tried by all of the writers around town.

22. Your Conceits for spec scripts will naturally be Story Conceits due to the need to honor the existing Character Conceits, if any, of the show you’re emulating.

23. Unless a personal friend, your goal would rarely be to submit your spec to someone working on that show due to the unlikely event that you will intuit their inside knowledge and show arcs, as well as the studio’s need to protect themselves legally.

24. When major story changes occur on the series, like Ross and Rachel breaking up again, then your specs need to be updated.

25. Even most experienced writers find they must write new material to be considered by the industry in a different genre, or if they come off a show that has ended.

26. 1-Hour Drama scripts are usually 45-60 pages, formatted as a feature, meaning that scene direction and dialogue are single-spaced.

27. 1/2-Hour, Single-Camera Film is roughly 23-35 pages, formatted as a feature, single-spaced as well.

28. 1/2-Hour, Multi-Camera (Sitcom) is roughly 45-60 pages, with double-spaced dialogue and character names and very spare scene direction.

29. When writing spec scripts, we recommend that you study the scripts of produced episodes to identify the traits of the page.  While not every industry pro will know exactly how each series script looks, it will help you match Scene Work to what’s on screen.

30. When attempting a pilot script, it’s important to understand that it is expected to be a template for perhaps 100 episodes.

31. A pilot script should be seen as an establishing script as opposed to an introductory episode.  Of course, certain introductions will necessarily be included.

32. Voiceover, in any writing form, can be helpful to inform the audience and create a rooting interest for a character.  But it’s best to make that choice based on concept and tone rather than as a crutch.

33. The writer of an original pilot should ask how their show is expressing what no other show has ever done.

34. Revenues from television have traditionally subsidized ventures into film production and helped the agency business survive.

35. TV is where most of the writing work is in the entertainment industry.


Firstly, funk number 5! And finally, now that I actually re-read them all again, there are some savage pointers which I can use. After all the other spoof emails I had to wade through, all in all, I can have no complaints.

This turned into way more writing than I had planned to do, probably the longest blogaruu yet, strange with the day being so uneventful. Anyways, song on…

Walcott by Vampire Weekend

Time Of The Month… Again?!!!

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Finally, I can empathize with women. Once a month, every month, I too feel your pain, we have it tough sisters! Roughly, around this time of the month, give or take a few days, I start to get headaches, feelings of anxiety, restless nights, sweaty palms, irritable, mood swings, the whole nine yards that girls go through. My diagnosis, however, is not related to the painters calling around, so to speak. My problem is linked more to the landlord, and when it is that he will call around. The symptoms I suffer from, are brought on by the impending and looming matter of rent, and payment there of.

These headaches have being getting even worse lately. This is directly related to me living the life of a pauper, a life which, I must admit, I am finding hard to cope with. Previous floundering of my money on luxury items, such as Red Bull and the Coffee Bean, has been seriously curtailed, cutting off my steady supply of caffeine. My head has been throbbing lately. Last night I got in a full blown fist fight, with a washing machine, for swallowing 5 of my precious quarters so that I could not dry my clothes. I put up a good (-ish) fight, but the machine easily won in the end, leaving me drained and close to tears. Great fun sleeping in damp sheets and on a damp pillow! Especially when it is that time of the month again!

Perhaps the worst part of all this, is that instead of trying to lessen my headaches, anxiety, cramps, bloating feeling etc brought on from rent, or lack of, by doing something productive, I still insist on doing jobs such as DJ’ing – a job that I do not, and will not, get paid for. Yesterday, I decided not to try and earn money, not to try and focus on my writing and the sitcom, not to do something that will help me on the acting side of things, but to go up to the gym and DJ. My payment being compliments only, majority of which would be from dudes, what kind of funking ape am I?!!! Why bother?

Firstly, I should clarify and reiterate the whole me being a DJ situation. Some people have taken this the wrong way (you’re not a DJ, don’t insult me, I am a DJ, you need to use vinyl to be a DJ) or have gotten the impression that I take credit for the remixes I play. I don’t. At all. When people ask me what song was that I played, did you mix it all together just now, I say no, it was X, Y or Z. I just played X’s song then mixed it with Y’s song followed by Z’s. Having never DJ’ed before though, I feel like I should do more than just stand up there and mix the two songs, so I fiddle around on my laptop and intensely look at it, giving the impression I am hard at work. I am not getting paid good money to just stand up there and do nothing. Oh right, forgot about the not getting paid part.

So, I will use another angle, or name if you like. I am not a DJ, as in I do not scratch, do not itch, do not make records bleed.  I merely pick, in my opinion, savage songs, which will make you dance, clap along, or sing… but I am not a DJ. I do not remix live, or MC, or mix songs while standing with one foot over my head. I merely mix songs with my software that, most of the time (but a few horrific other times it has been blatant), people do not notice the end of one song, and the start of the next… but I am not a DJ. You could say, it is like that application for iTunes, where you pick one great song, and a playlist is then made of other similar great songs, the difference being that I mix the songs together. So, if you like, I will instead use the name of that application for iTunes for what I do… choose and mix great songs. From now on, instead of saying I am a DJ, if I must, and you insist, I will just say that I am a human Genius. If you insist. 

As far as my Genius set went, it was fairly uneventful. Fairly. Except the time I went to the bathroom, playing a long song to give me time, standing in the bathroom bopping along to the song, then mid song, and mid stream, hearing the song cut out (laptop crashed). Having to change horses mid stream is never easy but I had to suck it up for the sake of being a Genius, and rush back out to see what was going on. Then, a few songs later, as all dumb Geniuses do I presume, I unknowingly hit the spacebar, paused the whole thing, and took long enough to figure out what was going on. I blamed my laptop crashing for that one too.

Finished off in a good way, some girls were singing Mr Sandman up to me from the stairs below (my final song) and I left the gym happy. Until the whole – why are you bothering, why don’t you use the time to write, what’s wrong with you, good work today trying to get some rent money together for yourself, even the washing machine thinks you’re an ape robbing your money, oh Jesus, here comes the hot flushes and headaches again – all kicked in. I decided the only/cheapest/free way to get rid of the headaches, was to go to the gym that night and work them out of me.

Again I felt like an ape going to the gym twice in one day, but still couldn’t figure out why. Until I bounded in the door, past the front desk, how’s it going receptionist, my iPod is on so can’t hear what you’re saying, yeah, I’m good? Bound up the stairs, start making a move for a bench, and see the place is dead. Receptionist has half followed me up the stairs “Merrick, we closed at 10 tonight, its 5 past now, you have to leave, sorry.” Oh, right, I knew that all along, I was testing you, shur don’t you know I’m a Genius! At least I knew for definite on the way home this time, why I felt like an ape for going twice to the gym that day.

Here’s part of that great song I had people jiving and singing to the other day… Mr Sandman (Squeak E Clean Remix) by The Chordettes.