Can’t beat being on the front page of a newspaper wearing a leprechaun hat. Couldn’t find a version online so here’s the original gibber. Recent radio interview too where I ramble on and on and on. New book PREDUMB out soon. Narcissistic levels reaching new high.
Mountain Dew – The Clancy Brothers
Blacks, whites, Asians, Native Americans, almost everyone I’ve met since I came to L.A. claims to be Irish in one way or another. At first it annoyed me purely because their logic was so ridiculous.
One guy told me one night at a party “I’m Irish too!” Oh yeah, what part are you from? “Ohio.” Oh really? I wasn’t aware that was in Ireland. “Yeah, it’s not.” And then he walked away.
Another guy later remarked Continue Reading »
I had been dreading going into fifth year purely down to Dirk coming to stay with me. The German students were due back for two weeks at the start of October for their portion of student exchange. At least we got two weeks off class at the start of the year to go do more work experience.
Despite the fact I was now sixteen, meant to be more mature and entering an important year of school, dossing off class was always a highly attractive incentive. Still, the thought of hanging around with Dirk and having him in my house was depressing. If only I had a secret indoor pool and gym area to keep hidden from him. Alas, I didn’t. The gods did smile down on me though.
Two weeks before they were due to arrive our German teacher Ms. O’ Golden informed me that Dirk had failed his summer exams and his repeats. This would mean Dirk had to repeat the entire year. He wouldn’t be able to come stay with me in Ireland.
“What? Seriously? No way!”
Did a victory lap of the classroom in celebration. Couldn’t believe my luck. The Mirk and Dirk Show had been canceled!
Ms. O’ Golden waited until I calmed down before telling me another boy had asked to take his place, Marcus.
“Oh yeah, I remember him. He got us tickets to the soccer game.”
Marcus reminded me a bit of Barney, the purple dinosaur children’s character. Tall and goofy, with a big fluffy head of light brown hair that just bobbed around as he spoke with a smile. Good laugh when I met him that time at the soccer game before. Still though, do I want him staying with me?
“So would you mind if he stayed with you instead? It’s up to you entirely, you’re not obliged.”
“In that case I would mind. I prefer to have no one stay with me.”
Very particular, at the time. Liked to Continue Reading »
Take A Walk – Passion Pit
So it’s a Friday night. You’re getting ready to go out gallivanting. Brushing your teeth. Doing a little jig. Hear a knock at the door. Hmm. Who’s that? Shimmy your way out, electric toothbrush still whirling away. Open the door. It’s the police. Oh Jesus. What have I done now?
“Are you Mark Hayes?”
“Who’s asking?” Continue Reading »
Here be an article I wrote that was in the Examiner last week. Front page too. Wuu.
Ways to Go – Grouplove
Imagine you are a fish, swimming in an ocean filled to the brim with other fish who are a lot like you but better in many ways. And instead of not wanting to be caught, you, the fish, are desperate to be reeled in by the fisherman. “Cast me, cast me!” you plead with your eyes as the fisherman toys with you in his net. “To keep and cast or to be thrown back in the ocean with all the other duds?” the fisherman asks himself as he examines you up and down like a piece of meat. Imagine all that – Welcome to the wonderful world of Hollywood auditions! Continue Reading »
Dangerous – Big Data
So I attended my first cult meeting the other night. As you do. They’re called The Landmark Education. Or The Landmark Forum. Something like that. Not sure. When I Googled their name one of the first links was “We are not a cult!” So they’re definitely culty. An actress/model girl I know invited me along to an induction meeting/graduation class they were having. Not sure if she thought I was a sucker or which. I knew her from shooting some RanDumb stuff recently. Told me about these great meetings she was going to, changing her life, enriching her world, making every day more positive than the next. Maybe she thought I needed some hope. Either way I weighed up my options:
1. Sit on the couch, drinking tea and watching Frasier for the night.
2. Cult on! Continue Reading »
I’ll Tell Me Ma – Chieftains & Van Morrison
So it’s five in the morn. I think I’m outside Jack Black’s house. Maybe Zach Galifinakis’. I can’t remember. I’m drunk. I don’t know. I just keep knocking on the door and calling out
“Zach Black! Jack Galifinakis! Can we come in? Party still on?”
All I hear is