Have you ever felt invalid? Actually, that’s wrong, I’ll rephrase that… Have you ever made yourself feel like an invalid? If you ever want to, here’s an efficient way. Simply walk to the gym. Using a crutch. Carrying a can of Red Bull. A bottle of water. Your phone. Plus your iPod. And finally, your keys too. Not forgetting, you’re devoting one arm and hand fully to the crutch. And you’ve worn your shorts with no pockets. Carrying all the rest more or less with the one free hand. Ok, now to make yourself feel a bit useless, here’s what to do.
While crossing the road, somehow let the bottle of water fall out of your hand. And watch the bottle roll. Out of reach of your good foot. Just out of reach of your crutch’s grasp. Kind of then realising that a crutch is better at poking things forward, as opposed to catching things with. Quickly trying to bend down and grab it. However the crutch is keeping you up. Preventing you from going down properly. So you do a puppet motion. Some may call it a muppet motion. Making the can of Red Bull drop. Which oddly, due to it’s circular shape and all, also starts to roll. Underneath the car stopped at the lights. For good measure and as an added bonus in your efforts, the green man turns red. Flashing. Counting down the seconds. Until the same car starts beeping at you furiously.
When you see it is an old man beeping at you, and revving up, it throws you off. Seeing as he starts to give you the finger and begins to drive. What’s the protocol with old men? Does he want to fight me, the angry little old man, surely not? Making you step back to the curb. And helplessly watch as that old man drives over your can of Red Bull. That little old pri… At least the bottle of water rolled into the gutter. So you can get that. And feel great. Until you look up. From the gutter. And see people have been watching from the restaurant window. Looking out in pity. Which is about the time you should feel it. Right about then. Invalid.
Let Me Show You My...
That’s one quick way to feel like an invalid anyways. In case you may ever need to. I also have a way to make you feel like you made the wrong decision. Have you ever done the impossible task of staying in on both a Friday and Saturday night? To try and be productive. Such a tough task. After such dedication and focus, you should really maybe take up the offer on the Sunday night. To go out for a few drinks. Celebrate your immense achievement. Won’t even drink actually. Just an hour. Good to get out. Even if you’re sober Joe. One hour. That’s all. Go to the bar around the corner. That you’ve never been in. Full of good looking women. Perhaps you made the right call. Chill out. Good spot. Could be a hidden gem of a place.
And then you get stuck talking to a guy. Who only wants to talk about his car. I have minimal interest in cars. I like Top Gear. I appreciate a nice car. But at the end of the day, they are not high up on my list of what I want to talk about. Particularly in a pub. I know now that I’ve an attention span of three sentences before I zone out. Initially, I politely listened. Floodgates opened. No more politeness from now on. Even me telling him ‘Not trying to be rude but I really don’t care about your car’ made no difference. No dent whatsoever in his flow. Oblivious. Unbelievably so. As in he took out his iPhone and started to show me photos. Unless you are offering to give me this car, I beyond belief do not care about it. Which led him to start telling me about how many horses pull it along. Great. Which is when I felt that perhaps I had made the wrong call. Should’ve stayed in.
Feel like an invalid. Feel like I made the wrong call. Those are two things which I felt in the past few days. One thing which I have yet to feel, is a Christmas buzz. (A long-winded roundabout way to tie those threads together if ever I saw one!) Christmas. In L.A. Feels… I won’t say different. Because that might lead to a ‘Good or bad different?’ pondering. If a girl has ever said to you that ‘That wasn’t usually how I would do it. It was, eh, different’ do you think she is implying it’s a good or bad thing? Exactly. Christmas is usually when time and the actual day of the week is irrelevant. However, I have a feeling Christmas Eve may feel like a Thursday here. L.A is the land where time flies by though, so nay too bad in the long run. Although, it could still kick in. I have faith! Three days to go, time is ticking. 12 Pubs will hopefully save the day. Come on Christmas. Feel it. Feel it!!!
I Feel It All Around (Britt Daniel Remix) – Feist
C’Mon – The Soft Pack