Winner

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If you ever want to feel like a true winner, wake up on a Monday morning with a hangover. What a winning feeling that is, too much fun. A great way to start the week. Only way is up, I do suppose. The blogaruu has been silent for the past few days, so time to catch up in one swift, foul swoop. Back on the road to productivity. I’ll start with my stand-up gig on Thursday.

I must admit, the gig was special. Really special. Not sure what it was exactly. But it was special. Do you know when everything just works out to a tee? You couldn’t plan it better if you tried. It was as if the earth aligned with the comedy moon, and everything just fell into place. New material and jokes were told with aplomb. Punch lines were delivered with panache. People clapping, standing ovations, crying out for more. Jokes that you think might be a bit dodge or 50-50, turn out to be unbelievably well received. Unfortunately, it was not one of those nights. Nowhere near. By special I mean horrendous. It was bad. Technically, it was actually funny. Just not the kind of funny I was aiming for. One those nights, where nothing goes to plan. Probably because I never had a plan to begin with.

It was probably the busiest night in there so far, maybe 100 people. I know, huge, stadium gigs might have to be the next port of call. It seemed to me as if the crowd were mostly new faces I had not seen before, so I decided I would open with a few of my new “jokes”, then fall back on my old reliables of life in L.A to finish on a high note. Whenever I watch the acts on before me, I’ve realized that all I am doing is hoping they wont tell jokes or stories similar in any way to mine. Thats it. Couldn’t really care if they’re funny or not. Just as long as they steer clear of what I have lined up, they’ve done well in my eyes. Seeing as I have practiced a bit of material based on life in L.A, I decided I would try out some new stuff about what it is like being home in Ireland. Along the lines of how much fun it is back here, comparing here and there, and how big a winner in life I am just waiting in limbo land for my visa. Those kinds of hilarious angles.

The acts on before me got a few laughs, nothing major. However, there was a girl whose act was a bit to similar to mine for my liking. As in she mentioned a few incidents in L.A, saying L.A a lot, as if to rub it in that she was marking her territory before I went up. Not that she had a clue of my act or anything, but it seemed like that to me when that was my selling point. A few of her jokes ran a bit too parallel to mine, confusion and dumbness, so I had to go with my new material now no matter what. The material that was still in the idea stage, yet to have been developed as far as punch lines. That top dollar material I had up my sleeve. Dumbly, I convinced myself I would think of the big bang punch lines when I was up on stage. As you do.

Straight off, messed up the first joke, mocked myself, without giving a back story as to why I was mocking myself, and messed up joke number one. Good start. Moved on to saying how delightful Irish girls and their love of fake tan are, went down like a lead brick. Oh Jesus. Dirty looks from girls in the crowd. Tried to compare them to an orange version of the Blue Man Group. No one seemed to have a clue who they were, must be an American thing only, cue more silence. (Here they are to give you a reminder. I think I might start to use a projector in future to explain my jokes. Which is a great sign.)

Blue Man Group

Thought I might move on to relationships and couples in Ireland, asking one couple in the crowd about a certain topic. Bad idea. If the guy answered truthfully, and laughed, he would be in the bad books with his girlfriend. So, instead he shrugged his shoulders, didn’t commit either way, and ruined my point. Cue more silence. Thankfully, at this stage, a guy in the crowd started shouting something up to me. Heckling I think its called. The thankful part was that he was foxy, and a gimp, so at least I got a few laughs mocking him and his big red target on his head. Seeing as I was getting a few chuckles now, I decided it was time for the old reliable sure fire stories. Unfortunately, it was not happening for me. Gay horse and accompanying story was not well received. Which is my jolly banker!

At this stage, I made the executive decision, that there was only one thing to do. Made the right call, enough was enough, lets end this now. Well, after I tried to have some banter with two drunk Dutch guys in the crowd first. In German. In German? Obviously enough, that went down well. A quick Auf Wiedersehen, and that was that. Overall, a special performance. My HBO Special should be in the pipeline soon. Although, on an ironic note, it was the most I have been paid for a stand-up gig. And, the guy in charge loved it, and booked me again for next week straight away. He must like seeing me bomb. Bomb on!

Blogaruu is long enough, so I won’t start on my bit about the Hungarian stalker I think I have, or the mix tape scenario that is developing, I’ll keep it for tomorrow. You must be so funking excited!!!

Seeing as the video is pretty cool, Strawberry Swing by Coldplay.

And one more, for a mighty Monday

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Pumping. Spinning. Sweating. Oh Jesus, What Have We Done Jim?!!!

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Priority number one at the moment is to find a job. The movie career has been put on hold until this has been accomplished. One needs to have money for food, and all. Here are my highly promising and highly stable job possibilities, which I have lined up at the moment:

1. Design a website for a DJ/club promoter, who actually asked me would I design it, but since then has been dodging me;

2. Fix and update a website for a film festival, but I think they think I will do it for free in return for my company (?) getting free advertising;

3. Selling shamwows;

4. DJ’ing and promoting in a bar/restaurant after hours, but still no meeting lined up with the owner, and, finally;

5. DJ’ing in the gym I go to, ha, probably the most likely of them.

This is the best I can muster up it seems, my degree and masters are being fully used to the highest degree. I am useless.

Moving on, yesterday the dude working in the gym, Jim we’ll call him, asked me to drop in a demo of the music which I would play to liven the place up. I should probably mention now my DJ’ing skills consist of having good music, and bob all mixing. I bought a mixer once, never used it, and ended just blending songs in on my iTunes whenever needed, I was quite the DJ wizard. I only had one blank CD to burn my demo onto, so just had the one shot at it really, great preparation. I chose my top 5, stuck them on the CD and got a quick tutorial from my DJ buddy for any lingo I may need if asked. Equipment, mixers, sound cards, song bits, sound checks, bits of card, plugs, wires, blenders, I was well equipped to spoof on if needed. In return for the tutorial I said I would give his podcast a mention, http://tantricdex.podomatic.com/. 

Up to the gym I go, I was pumped, the songs I picked were rocking, perfect for the gym. Jim greets me trying to pound fists, I give him paper, we’re off to a good start. “Thanks Merrick, I’ll have a listen and let you know.” Funk that, throw it on now Jim, I need a job!!! He doesn’t know how to use the equipment behind the desk, so says he’ll listen to it in the room they use for the spinning classes and let me know. Jim, listen to it now and tell me, I’m on my last few coppers. I manage to get him to go to the spinning room there and then to listen to the CD. 

We get into the spinning room, he tells me to have a seat. As there are only bikes in the room, I sit on a bike. He sits on a bike at the top of the class, next to the CD player, and turns my demo on. We were on the road. First song is brilliant, an indie remix. It gets me pumped straight away. Jim has an ear cocked to the music, his head starts to bop, he is feeling the tune. It is then that I notice I have started to cycle the bike I’m sitting on, the music got me going. The song is really kicking in, I’m pedaling a bit more, I notice Jim has started too.

I snap out of the pedaling “Next song Jim, it is even better!”. Song 2 is put on, which is even more rocking. We’re both pedaling a bit, his head is bopping like a toy dog on a dashboard, fingers clicking, I’m pedaling faster, he is pedaling faster, this is the greatest demo ever! Third song the beat slows a bit. However, once it kicks in, Jim is funking loving it. Clapping his hands, pumping them out, gay head bopping around as if Madonna was in the room, he’s pedaling, the music has me pedaling, I couldn’t stop, I made the demo too good!

At this stage I am getting worried. I know the fourth and fifth song are better than the first three. The fourth is a French house song, funking savage, almost too good though is what I’m thinking, this is veering off into something I was not expecting. He had asked if I could make the demo have a European vibe, something different, so when he hears the French lyrics, he almost squeals like a girl/pig, and starts pedaling away furiously. His shoulders are shrugging like a gay robot, he is pumping the air with his hands, loving it! I realize then that I can’t stop pedaling, the music has me hooked, you try sit on a bike and not pedal with that music playing! At this stage we are pedaling in synch, to the music, to the beat, faster, faster, oh Jesus, this is the best part of the song, it is really going to kick in “Change the song Jim, change it, song 5, Jim, quick, stop this!”

Jim puts on the final song. I know how good it is, so start to feel very nervous and afraid. I’m starting to feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead, I have to stop pedaling in synch, it’s like we are one, oh Jesus, why did I make this demo so good! The final song is building up, Jim at this stage has his lips pursued, eyes closed, head back in the air, legs pumping, hands in the air still squealing. I’m cycling in synch to the music, and with Jim, what is going on, turn it off Jim, turn it off, I didn’t know this was going to happen, it was only meant to be a demo!!! The song is kicking in for the last time, the big chorus, the last hurrah, this is what it was all about. I can’t resist any longer, no energy to hold back, I just give in and go with the music. My hands are in the air, legs pumping to the beat, biting my lip, this is the greatest song ever, my head is bopping, wuu, eyes shut tight, work it out, feel the beat, oh jesus, is this some sort of gay sex, what is going on!!!

Finally, the song finishes up. I feel naked and exposed, sweating, red head, dizzy, gasping for air, thank God I stopped at five songs! Jim sparks up a cigarette, looks at me, and tells me “That was good, I enjoyed it, good work.” Oh sweet Lord, what just happened? Why did I not play the usual mundane crap they have on repeat in there instead. I felt violated, are we meant to hug now? Jim tells me he’ll call me, he must let the other manager hear it as well and they’ll work out a schedule if she likes it too. He hasn’t called me yet. The bastard used me.

On my way out I got some better news at least, I have a new target. Holly Valance is also a member of my gym, although she wasn’t looking the May West I must say. Not to worry though, hopefully for her, if I get the job, she will have my music pumping her on and she’ll be back to her best in no time. I just better not have been used for a quick demo, I feel so cheap.

Two songs of the day. I couldn’t find the French one on Youtube that tipped the scale so here’s the first song that got the ball rolling… Viva La Vida (DiscoTech Remix) by Coldplay

Second one is a Kings of Leon remix also included… Sex On Fire (Richard Sharkey & Peter Sar Remix)

I was actually going to put a 6th song on at the end, as a joke, but at the last minute decided not to, just in case they didn’t see the funny side of it. The song was, and this is not a lie, Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham. Thank funk I didn’t.