Fun, Funds & Funk Me Pink

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Today was a fun day of meetings up in Dubla. And by fun, I mean productive. On a quick side-ish note, not mainly today, but I’ve realized something which happens now and again to me during meetings. That is, I am not always fully, 100% aware of what point exactly a person might be making to me. Perhaps, the person making it actually doesn’t know themselves, but who knows. Anyways, the person might be telling me something, maybe gets bored half way through and then rambles off. I am looking at them enthusiastically, waiting for the big bang point, so I can respond. The point that doesn’t really come. A bit like a few of my new jokes for stand-up, the ones needing proper punch lines. In the end, I am just left looking enthusiastically/intensely at the person, who is in turn looking back at me, waiting to hear what I have to make about their point. The one I didn’t really get. So we end up just sitting there, for a brief awkward moment, looking at each other, not knowing who it is that is meant to be actually speaking next. Which is always fun!

The first meeting today was with my publishers, to hammer out a few nails and threads of the contract. Done, dusted, signed and in my pocket, happy days, game on officially! As I left for my second meeting, I was wondering why I felt a bit odd. Happy about the deal, but no elated feeling, not that there should be really. Baby steps and all, but still. The deal was done, process underway, my paranoia could relax a bit perhaps, time to get cracking on getting it finished before my deadline. Yet, still a weird feeling. Thankfully, all the knowledge from the self help books kicked in, helping me to figure out my problem. I realized I am now out of my comfort zone. Unchartered territories are being entered. First time writing a book and all. When I copped on to this, I finally got a bit pumped. Time to plough on!

The second meeting gave me an even better buzz. Still early days and all, but a productive meeting. Met with a lady whom I met before, but from an independent producer angle this time. Basically, she’s interested in helping me with my t.v project, putting a proposal together, and working towards something in sync with the book launch. The book has bumped me up already! With her connections, and me and my… and me, she wants to work on getting a development deal under way before I head back to L-Hey, and see how that goes. Project development, development funds, development deals, all the perfect buzz words to get me hooked. That is in the pipeline for now at least.

After that fun morning and lunch in Dubla, I decided to save some funds of my own, and get the cheap and cheerful €10 train back to Cork. As did a lot more cheap folk like myself. The train was pretty full. Walked all the way to the very last seats, at the very end of the train, and somehow there was a 4 seater free. Plus, the guy in the 4 seater next to me was the only one sitting in his one. Happy days. Quiet journey home, with a bit of space. Nay so. A few minutes later, just as the train pulled off, a girl came along, and asked the guy in the 4 seater next to me if the seats by him were free. My trick of putting stuff across the table worked a treat, giving the impression there were others sitting there too, ha, snakey mac. Thank God it did work though, seeing as the real fun was just about to happen.

The girl screamed down the carriage to her sister and Mum that the seats were free “come down here willa! Hurry the f*@k up!” Not sure what age her and her sister were, about the height up to my elbow, so maybe 11-ish? A few minutes later, the Mum showed up. I would describe her, and this is being kind, as a complete and utter toad. A cretin. That is me being ridiculously kind too, especially seeing as she was doing every thing possible to ruin her kids. She slugged down to her seat, spitting salt & vinegar crisps with every word she grunted out. Whale of a time, with her about. I’m actually not being harsh here either, if anything I am holding back. Here’s a visual of what she kind of looked like…


Straight away, the two girls went on a rampage. One of them spat at the other, and the sister retaliated by throwing some milk back at her. Spilt milk with the sun shining on top of it, smells good, if you haven’t smelt it in a while. I felt bad for the other guy straight away, so close to getting away with a drama free journey. Now stuck next to pikey kids. However, maybe the mother was not the one to blame for her kids being such pie balls. Well, seeing as she did try to quieten them a few times. When one asked a question, the toad would respond with “Shut up and stop asking me stupid questions. Stop talking such stupid s*@t!”

Thankfully I fell asleep, but woke up around Thurles. By this time the toad was sitting with a heap of rubbish around her. Tayto crisps were definitely one of her many vices, it seemed. Seriously, it was unreal. Telling her kid then to shove the empty bags under her seat for her, “f*@k the train workers”. At one stage, she went to stand up, and broke her shoe. One of these sturdy ones…


 The Taytos must have went straight to her cankles. Seriously, just stood up, her foot/ankle/whale of a leg expanded, and the shoe burst open. Obviously, she immediately blamed one of the kids, for breaking her shoe. Calling her a little s*@t for doing it. I felt bad for the kids. Most of the time anyways, seeing as they were little pikeys themselves. I started looking at the mother in complete wonder, not knowing what to make of the creature. At least until I think she thought I was giving her the eye, so just went back to sleep to dream about her hot cankle.

Being honest, that stuff wasn’t too bad. A day in the life on the train maybe. Get into Cork, getting off the train, the toad leaves with her two kids. A couple left ahead of me, and then I was behind them. I could see smoke wafting from somewhere, thinking it was weird enough being indoors and all that. The guy of the couple started to nudge his girlfriend at something in front of them. I could see he was in complete shock as I walked past him. Then saw why… the toad was lighting up a cigarette for her daughter. As in her daughter was smoking, puffing on a cigarette. Up to my elbow age, and her Mum sparking her up. Then the cretin starts to shout at her not to hog her cigarette. It was unreal.

At this stage, I had stopped, looking at her again, not being able to cop on if it was all real. The toad grabbed the cigarette off the daughter, gave her back another unlit one, and then stared back at me, asking what I was looking at. I told her I had no clue, mother of the year maybe. It threw me off when she genuinely smiled and said “thanks, want a smoke?” I was stuck in the situation again not sure if I was the one who should say something next, or if she was being serious, so ended up just staring at each other. On cue, the other daughter told her and me to “f*@k off, thats my cigarette”. I took her advice and left. Pity though, I could’ve seen a fun future for myself and the toad.

Maybe this blogaruu has been 7 paragraphs too long. Maybe should’ve just ended it after the first three. The tale of the toad had to be told though!

Here’s a song for the toad, what could’ve been…

Noah and the Whale

5 Years Time – Noah And The Whale

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