Tag Archives: Dumb

Umm, I Only Have One Shoe

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I remember back in 4th year of school when I had to do work experience. The first week a few of us managed to get to be in the same clothes shop, working together. This was ideal, obviously, seeing as we all really wanted to be clothes sales men when we grew up. The very first morning, we were waiting outside for the shop to open, it never pays to be early! Just standing around, talking about the latest Scooter song I imagine. I was standing just off the curb, kicking it gently while discussing the brilliance of the German band. Not too sure how exactly, but I managed to hit the curb at such an angle with my right shoe, that it somehow erupted my shoe open. Weirdly, the front top of my shoe flew off, so I was left with 3/4’s of a shoe, and my nice white sock.

For the entire day I felt I needed to explain to the owner and the other employees, what had happened. Over and over to them. I wanted to ensure them that I had a pair of shoes to my name. And wasn’t a pie-ball who would just show up wearing 1 and 3/4 shoes, with my sock flapping about. Although seeing as they were the only pair of shoes I did actually have, as opposed to a few pairs of runners, I had a problem. At the end of the day, I was given a lovely pair of leprechaun style shoes. Shiny black with a nice big fake silver buckle on them. And then told they would be my payment for a week’s work, whereas everyone else was going to get an expensive pair of jeans. I was gutted. And felt like a gimp in those horrific shoes. At least they did make me want to do a jig whenever I wore them.

Back to today, and I wish I had remembered that story earlier. Well the part about explaining what happened. A similar incident occurred. Kind of. I had to go to the shop earlier to buy some food for myself. As I walked into the supermarket, reaching to grab a basket, I did something. Not too sure what it was, but I clipped one foot off another i think, and kind of stumbled. Not fell, just one of the ones where you might clip a bump on the road, and fall forward, laughing it off as you look around to see who else saw your dumbness. Except there was no bump in the supermarket floor, so I think I clipped my right foot off my left foot. And managed to burst my flip-flop apart. Fully apart too, left with two parts, so no matter what I attempted, it wouldn’t stay on my foot.

So, I was left with the easy conundrum of do I keep shopping for food, with one bare foot, or go home, sort it out, and come back? Shop on, obviously. However, this is not really a beach resort area, or a climate where flip-flops are worn too often outdoors, so even wearing flip-flops as it is gets a few glances. Wearing only one, with the other one out of view in the basket, and walking with a bit of a limp/strut, gets a few more weird looks. That part was fine. The part where I met a guy I used to work with years ago, was when it got a bit dumb. Browsing the dairy isle, bumped into him, mighty small talk all the way. He had actually seen an article of mine in the paper a while back, how was all that going, get a break yet, was I still doing the blog? Not too bad, blogaruu on, small talk. Must be tough, would I not get a proper job, no? I didn’t want to seem like a bragging gimp blurting out my good news from yesterday, so stuck with the not too bad, ploughing on, we’ll see what happens.

Around this time, he noticed that I was only wearing one flip-flop. I could see him looking down, and the puzzled yet polite look come across his face, about to ask me why I was only wearing one flip-flop. At the same exact time that he asked me this, I was distracted by an unbelievably good looking girl walking by. She was ridiculously hot. Definitely not Irish. I don’t mean it in that way, calm down. Well, maybe a bit. More so, I mean seeing as she spoke Polish to her beast of a boyfriend. Or, her friendly brother. After Mexico I can never be too sure!

While she distracted me with her non fake tan ways, I answered the question with… The flip-flop broke, I only have one now. And just left it at that. I should really have explained to him that it had just broke, and was hidden underneath the milk, eggs and turkey slices in the basket. But I didn’t, I was too distracted and left it with that simple explanation. Which led to the feeling that he wanted to give me a few bob, seeing as he looked at me in a simple, pitiful kind of way. Oh right, one flip-flop, times must be tough, huh? He didn’t actually say that, but that was the look I got. Which confused me at the time. I couldn’t figure out why suddenly he was talking to me slowly and loudly. He almost ruffled my hair, as he told me to keep on going anyways, if I’m ever stuck give him a shout, he’d try to help me out with a job or something.

At the time I thought all of this was very weird, not sure where it had suddenly came from. Now though, I think I know why. And, seeing as he said he’d check out the blog, hopefully he will too! The vague, unsure answers were not cries for help, just efforts at small talk! Read yesterday’s blog! Today I found out I have another meeting next week for a different project! It’ll all be ok! It was nice to offer though all the same. Wearing one flip-flop, coupled with not having a shave in a few days, is not a good look it seems. Although it is better than what I have had to do now that my flip-flop is broken. Those leprechaun shoes are horrendous with shorts! Oh Jesus.

Video on! This video and song had me mesmerized earlier, let me know what you think actually, mixed reaction so far…

Let Yourself Feel from Esteban Diácono on Vimeo

The music in that video is by an Icelandic guy,  Olafur Arnalds. The song is called Ljósið, and if you like it as much as I do, you can get it at foundsongs.erasedtapes.com

Song from Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon and side project band, whatever it is, pretty good… 

Volcano Choir

Island, IS – Volcano Choir

Today

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Today, I watched a lot of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. Maybe 4 episodes of each. Which is a fair amount when you are not just watching them. More studying the episodes really. Anyways, after all that, I was a bit spaced out of it throughout the day. So much so, I decided to throw my iPod into a bin. Unintentionally. Obviously. Once again, I struggle to multi-task. Or hold a few items in my hands, and know which one to let go off. It was money a couple of weeks back. Now my iPod. Just dumb.

Walking into the gym, I was holding car keys and towel in one hand, empty can of Red Bull and iPod in the other. I wonder which one it was that I wanted to dump. Worst part is, that I actually really  focused on making sure I threw the can into the bin. Well, it seems that I focused on not throwing the keys and towel into the bin. Or the can. I think I stared at my right hand too much (something about the towel had me mesmerized) and forgot there was an iPod in my other hand. Luckily, the bin was full, so the iPod landed on top after I lobbed it in. However, as I was still staring at my right hand, I did not notice what happened at first. When I did, the iPod was already after cleverly finding a route, so that it could sink to the bottom. So that was nice. Shoulder deep in a bin, fishing through wet rubbish for a lifeline of mine. Always fun. At least my iPod survived, wuu!

Today, I got a bit of good news towards my visa application. Which is looking promising. Wuu funking huu for that. Still not in the bag, yet, but it is hopefully en route. Keep the wuu’s on ice I suppose. This did make me realize something though. Fairly obvious really. Well, maybe if you don’t tend to dump iPods, it is obvious. Which is, that the return to L-Hey is on the not too distant horizon perhaps. Still another bit to go, but round 2 is coming up. Time to get prepared. Which I’m not. Coasting along a bit in that sense. I had a meeting earlier, and I was asked what my plan is when I head back. And, being honest, I didn’t really have a definitive plan as an answer. Not even close. Kind of an outline, but not a real plan. And, you know what apes say, every man needs a plan. Or my new ape saying “A goal without a plan is just a wish!”

Today, I also read an article about needing grit to succeed. “Pick a specific goal in the distant future and don’t swerve from it”. I am a big fan of the word grit. Waaay better than that horrific word patience, which I think I may forever struggle to deal with. Patience always makes me think of just sitting around a waiting room, and having to wait to hear back about news. Grit, on the other hand, makes me think of digging in, fighting on, head down and plough on. That kind of gibberish. Patience makes the front of my head throb with annoyance when I think about the word. Grit makes me clench my teeth like a complete ape. Ape over annoyance any day! Grit on.

Not too sure why I thought “Today, I…” would be a good theme, or even a theme for the blogaruu. I will cut it loose and wrap it up. Now that I remembered the word grit existed, I seem to have a new kick of determination. Dumb enough if thats what gives me a kick on, but whatever works! Somehow today, a plan has also been thrown together for me until I get a definite answer for the visa. Write on and build up my artillery of material for the return to L-Hey. The original sitcom perfected, plus 2 spec scripts ready and willing to pimp out. You never know, maybe a short movie on top. Unrealistic? Perhaps. Do I care? Not too sure how that question is relevant. I lost my train of thought. Spaced buzz is coming back. Time to go to stare at that towel. Tomorrow on!

Song or two. I’m a bit obsessed with a remix of the Billy Idol one. And the new Arctic Monkeys song.

Dancing With Myself – Billy Idol

 

Arctic Monkeys

Crying Lightning – Arctic Monkeys

Lack Of Action

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I shall not lie, I have never really gotten on well with Dublin. Or in, to be exact. Probably not for reasons which other people may have either. Proper city, multi-cultured, variety, more than a handful of clubs and pubs, all of that stuff that you would expect from a big city. However, something always bugged me about Dublin. And, being honest, I know exactly why. It is the home of my kryptonite. I never have any joy here. At all. If you know what I mean. Obviously there are plenty of reasons why this might occur, but anywhere else in the world, these factors do not seem to all converge together at once. Whatever it may be, no matter how hard I try, I just never clicked with Dublin, in that sense. 

Worst part of all, is that the talent up here is pretty good. In fact, today for example, it was fairly savage. Once again though, I got a sign that the lack of action streak would continue for me up here. While walking down Grafton Street, I was trying to multi-task. Phone and bottle of water in one hand. A banana, apple and iPod in my other hand. (Wallet, tic-tacs and notepad in my pockets, so I was weighed down). Trying to eating a second full banana, hands free, so it was sticking out of my mouth. And all the time, trying to get through the busy street towards Temple Bar, while admiring the hot women that were window shopping. It was a lot of multi-tasking. Which I managed to do well. Until I walked into one of the waist high poles that are along the street.

Seeing as, obviously, I never saw the pole, I was fairly surprised at why there was a sudden, sharp, sickening pain coming from my groin area. I thought somebody had kicked me in the rucksack. And left their foot there. My first reaction was to give an inquisitive… Awww?…  which, in turn, forced the full banana to pop out of my mouth, and onto the ground. Trying to grab the banana, I almost sent my iPod flying which made me grab out and fling an apple across the street. Kindly, an old lady picked up the now  3/4’s left banana off the gorund, and handed it back to me. Which I had to throw into the bin, not being a fan of dirt. And I think she took that as insulting, somehow.  

The whole affair was slapstick, brutal and dumb as funk. Two girls who were window shopping next to me, just stood there and gave me a pitiful look. I think they might have thought I was actually remedial in some way. Not far off, perhaps. I was in too much pain to try and pretend to be cool, walk it off, so I just told them… I’m cool girls, come on, I swear, I am coool, give me another chance! Too late. Once again, trying too hard. That all too familiar sign, which I always get in Dublin. Not going to happen buddy. The pole in the groin is the most action I will be getting up here.

Not to worry though, progress being made on other fronts. Managed to get around to a load of different places today, network on, my level of information and knowledge is growing more and more. Plus, a meeting has been arranged in RTE for this Friday, happy days. And, also, last night I got good news about visa options. I know have two routes available to me. Depends on a few factors, but looking promising. To an extent.

One area, where I might not be as ready as I thought I might have been, is for my stand-up gig tomorrow night. Being honest, I thought I’d get 7 minutes together fairly quickly, an hour or two. Bob hope. I can talk away for 7 minutes fine. It is just not 7 minutes of laughter. In fact, from what I have tried out so far on my able guinea pig (go on the Rink) I do not think I even got 7 laughs. Or half laughs. The best, so far, has been, “Yeah, that might be good. Just don’t use it in the stand-up.” My best joke didn’t even get a half laugh! I am goosed.

Now that I think about it though, he could be wrong. Actually, he is definitely wrong. The blame for the lack of laughter, like the lack of action, is obviously not down to the quality of jokes. Or myself. It is blatantly the people I am wasting these golden lines on. Just not cool or clever enough to get them, I suppose. Obviously. (Worst part of all this is, I am thinking of using that tomorrow night. Oh sweet Jesus).

Song of the day…

Knotty Pine

Knotty Pine - Dirty Projectors & David Byrne

Successfully Frustrated!

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Perhaps one of the best parts of today, just occurred. Whereby I just accidentally morphed two words into one. So I will start again, with my brand new word – that I am sure is used up and down the country already (although I never personally heard it in the past tense before) …

Tas been a frustrating day, so tas. Even though it did look like it was going to start so well. From a piece of information, that was mentioned in passing while setting up a meeting next week, I managed to stumble upon a potentially good networking event in Dublin next Tuesday. Trying to extract more information about the event from the source, however, turned out to be horrendously frustrating. Highly, highly bewildering to me in fact. Particularly when I am so clever when it comes to online stuff, E-Business as my background and all that. So much so, I even emailed the company, firstly asking for the withheld info, and also to let them know that their links do not work. Being so kind, and all. And then rang them, when they claimed that they were working.

However,  while I was pointing out my invalid points to them on the phone, I managed to figure out by myself, at the same time, that the links worked perfectly well. “Johnny Ape is on the phone again, telling us that the links don’t work”. They do. Perfectly well. In my dumb defence, I presumed that the links, which I clicked on 203 times in total (some ape!), were leading me to another web page. Nay, they were actually downloading the forms as Word documents. How do I know that I clicked on these links, fruitlessly, 203 times? As that was the number of documents I downloaded in total. Good work by me. (Again, in my dumb defence, my download window had been left open, and so, never highlighted that anything was being downloaded). If you want to see the conundrum I encountered, click on the first two links (2009 Open Day, and Acceptance Form) on this link… http://www.rte.ie/commissioning/news.html . See, very bewildering/obvious.

After lunch, things went down the successfully frustrating route. Figuratively speaking, I was rejected by two women. Blown out of it. In rapid fire succession as well. And, they didn’t even do it face to face. Or over the phone. Not even by text. Email! Email?! The dirty wh… I joke, I joke. Come to think of it though, I was actually rejected 3 times in quick succession, seeing as two different people, from the same company, emailed saying “Nay thank you”. Could be a good scene for the sitcom, a girl dumping me, then her friend coming back up to me, and repeating the news, just to rub it in “Just so you know, it is definitely not going to happen between ye. Go home loser.” Wh***s.

Seeing as I’ve gone with the whole rejection by women metaphor, I might as well plough on with it! So, unfortunately, like in real life, or in literal terms, if (and when)  a girl was to reject me, this has also had the opposite effect of discouraging, or disheartening me. Plenty more fish in the sea kind of thing! Spur on, can’t let one rejection (or 3, ha) get the spirits down. The key, it seems, is to try not to take it personally. If one girl (or 3… or guys if you are a girl reading) was to turn you down, would you just give up and not bother trying any more? Go off women, so to speak? Doubtful. On the other hand, if the answer to that question was “Yes”, I think my buddy Gym in Hollywood would love to meet you.

One thing I read today, amongst a load of other good stuff being honest, was this quote, which is always banded around L.A, in one form or another. 

“Nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing in the world is more common than men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

See, any old talentless, dumb, uneducated fool can do it. Obviously, instead of “press”, use the word “plough” but the gist would be the same. Anyways, enough with the Gym like quotes, I need my beauty sleep. If I am to be rejected by any more women tomorrow, I at least want to be looking well!

Before I burst with frustration, song of the day…

Rest My Chemistry - Interpol

Rest My Chemistry - Interpol

Pardon. I’m Sorry? Hang On…

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If you have not being keeping up to date, shame on you, why the funk not? For those that have, good work, you will know my plan is to now go to San Francisco, save some bobs, and get a bit of normality back. Minor issues really, main one is so I can write my pilot for the sitcom, and prepare a scene that I will make when I head back to L.A. It is crunch time. Without a shadow of a doubt. Can I produce the goods, we shall see, re de de. I have been listening to Bon Jovi a lot over the past few days. Oh Jesus.

Once again, I was right on time for the flight leaving LAX, got through the airport perfectly, onto the plane and flew off, without any hitch along the way. Sure. As of late, I have being having a bit of a run of mishaps in this department, particularly when it comes to the security check point. This time was to be no different. My flight was at 6 in the evening, so I spent the day dawdling, half packing, making some sandwiches for the flight, deciding to go to the gym at the last minute, and then hurriedly finishing up with my packing, as any ape would do. Initially, I thought I was going to be late for the flight. However, 5.20 is actually plenty of time for the check-in, wuu huu, happy days.

While standing in the pretty long line for the security gate, I remembered that the reason that I had an immense thirst and no water to quench it with, was seeing as I knew you couldn’t bring water through security. Clever me. Why I did not think the same applied to turkey and tomato sandwiches, I still don’t know. There was bob hope I was letting any of the food in my house go to waste with my budget, so I ended up bringing a mountain of food with me. Eating 6 big turkey and tomato sandwiches, with no water, so they were delightfully dry, can take longer than you might think. I almost finished them all off, even letting people pass by me and skip ahead, I can be very cordial at times. However, when I noticed the time, and that my name was being called out at the gate for the flight, I decided enough was enough with the sandwiches, I was a tad late.

Now I was the one skipping past people to the front, my name was being called, apologies, must get through. Somehow, while I was swallowing lumps of turkey and what felt like full tomatoes, the security lady seemed to gather what I was telling her, and waved me through, up to the trays. Threw my bag, iPod, phone, notebook, chewing gum, pen, other phone, belt, flip flops, chewing gum, tic-tacs, headphones, everything into the two trays and hurried through. No beep, wuu. “Excuse me sir, you’ll have to take off your hat and go through again” What the funk, there was no beep, I’m late! “Go back and take off your hat, it must go through.” The security guard was killing me! Hat off, threw it on top of my laptop, back through, no beep, my name being called out over the intercom for the flight, I needed to go!

Grabbed all my stuff, threw them all into my man/hand bag, grabbed my laptop, where’s my hat, come on hat, there we go, and took off for the gate, with my shorts falling off as I ran (belt was in the bag, no time to put it on). Took off at the fastest speed I could possible manage, which was not pretty fast with my shorts falling down and carrying my man/hand bag at an awkward angle, trying to squeeze my laptop into it while I scuttled along. Thankfully, it looked like the gate was close enough, happy days. It was around then when I thought I heard someone say “Hey you, come back, hey, stop.” However, seeing as my name was once again being called out over the intercom, I chose to listen to the big booming voice and not look to see who was calling who, behind me.

When the words “You in the hat, hey, stop now sir, stop!!!” were bellowed from behind me, I chose to look around, just to see, the hat factor made me feel a bit like I should. And I saw two security guys chasing after me, followed by a girl. Still half jogging, shorts falling, hat wobbling on top of my head, I gave the custom – Who, me? – and pointed to myself. At this point I stopped, finally realizing that they were calling after me, oh God, what the funk is wrong now?!

“Sir, you took that laptop which does not belong to you, you will have to come back with us”. Once again, what the funk?!! You stopped me because of that?!!! This is my laptop, I’m sorry, but thats my name that is being called over and over for the flight, I have to go, it is my laptop. “Sir, it is not your laptop, just step over here with us”. This is some funking joke, I am going to miss my flight! It is my bloody laptop! I know it is my laptop, 100%. This is just stupid. If I miss the flight, you are paying for a new flight for me, and I want an apology! This is some joke! Fine here, look, my laptop.

Laptop

Handed over my laptop, my white laptop, in its black covered case, which I know so well, and watched them open it up, waiting for an apology. Except, and there was always going to be an except really, they opened up the black laptop case, and pulled out a pink laptop. How on earth did my laptop turn pink?! What is going on?!! This is when the girl said “That’s it, that’s my laptop, here is yours” and handed me over a very similar looking laptop case, black, and when I opened it up, my laptop was somehow in it. How did my laptop get into her identical black laptop case? All pretty bizarre. Unless you’re not an idiot, and it made perfect sense.

In my hurried and turkey laden dumb state, I had, obviously, grabbed the wrong laptop. In all fairness though, what are the odds of the person one tray before mine having the exact, exact same case? Not sure really, but I am guessing not too high. Em, sugar, sorry about that, ha, it’s not my laptop alright, no need for that apology I demanded a few seconds ago, I apologise. Sorry. Thanks, I was in a rush. Are we cool? Did I tell you that that is me being called for the flight, listen… there, that’s me, Mark’s my name, gotta run, nice to meet you all! And off I eventually went. Great fun.

To cap this story off, I eventually made the flight, after having to stand at the gate and be given out to, by the (ridiculously good looking) air hostess, for being late and holding up the flight. So I felt bad, as I took my seat. Until I realized about 10 minutes later that the flight had still not left. And did not do so, not until 3 more off duty and drunk (but all still also ridiculously good looking) air hostesses came aboard and took their seats by mine. Still no clue why they kept calling me so much if those 3 weren’t on the plane before me. I am convinced they set me up. Unfortunately, I was unable to set myself up any more. All married.

Song of the day, at the end of the day, is this song… I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You (Twelves Remix) by The Black Kids