It Was All A Dream…

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(This shall be the first part of a however-many-parts-it-takes-parter series about my recent mighty adventure to Heaven and Hell. Split it up. One blogaruu all on its own could be a tad long perhaps indeed. Read. On!)

This Sweet Love (Prins Thomas Sneaky Edit) – James Yuill

Like all mighty trips to heaven, I didn’t sleep much the night before. Packing. Shaving. Showering. Procrastinating. You know, the usual. Gibber. Maybe an hour and half worth of kippage. Woke up. Freaked. Oh dear God: Did I sleep in? Miss it all? Again? Phew. Nay. And then you hear the horn. Honk honk. Car service. At your service. Outside the door. Here. Ready. Let’s do it. Let’s go. Adventure. On!

As a wise owl once said: Private jets are Continue Reading »

Red Or White?

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I shall not lie, over the past few days I was unsure if the 100th mark would be reached, never mind broken. However, I have decided to prove myself wrong, and write on! The reason for this uncertainty, initially, was due to me being unsure how long more I could stay in America for, on this current visa. With under 2 weeks left on the visa, I was weighing up another spring break trip to Mexico or Canada. My episode was good to go, being passed around, I was heading back to L.A in order to get a scene or two made, I had even been contacted about the possibility of meeting with a fairly reputable manager. Again, that sort of stuff is hearsay in my book until it happens, can only count on yourself really but worth looking into at least. Still, if it all went to plan, a quick spring break and back again, somehow, to keep the ball rolling.

Sadly, my Gran passed away this week back in Ireland, so that changed things even further. I was getting ready to go to the airport yesterday, packing my bags, and not knowing if I was L.A or Ireland bound. Managed to get a flight back in time for the funeral tomorrow, so instead of heading back to L.A for 10 days or so, bizarrely, and fairly surreal being honest, I am now back in Ireland for a few weeks. All happened fairly quickly, but no time to mull it over. Now, I shall just have to find a way to go back out there in 3 weeks, and make more than the 2 scenes I had planned for next week. Instead, I shall make a shorter version of the entire episode, start to finish if I can, must turn it into a plus! This now will be my visa trip as well. 

Just in the door and highly jet lagged, so decided to write on in hope to bore myself enough to fall asleep. I managed to lift my mental block of thinking that I could only write when in L.A, seeing as I managed to get a fair bit done in San Fran. Now the tougher test, can I pull fodder out of the bag for Cork and Ireland while I am back. I have the faith, in quantity, if not quality, at least! There shall be no whining or complaining about being back either, I miss L.A and all that. Put a cork in it (oh Jesus) and deal with it. Stage 1 has been completed, now plough on! Things can be worked on from here too while I’m back.

Although, I did forget that it was no longer L.A, or even America, that I was in, where the dress code is carte blanche. This was when I noticed bizarre items such as a hat (a hat?!) or a scarf (a scarf, oh my God, what an insane thing to wear!) get too many strange looks. Or maybe its that mullets are no longer as cool here as before. That statement is highly doubtful though.

The trip home, compared to previous airport adventures, was highly uneventful. There were no elaborate searches, terminal chases, mishaps or misunderstandings. I did, however, realize what my biggest fear is, just before boarding a long haul flight. And that, justifiably so I do believe, is the fear that my iPod will freeze just as I get onto the plane. And stay frozen until the battery dies. Which would be at least 12 hours. More than the flight. What a dose that would be. Obviously far worse could happen, but still, that would be highly annoying. Don’t mean to sound insensitive with the recent crash and all, but as we were taking off, I realized that was all my warped mind was worried about.

In fairness though, if I had no music, I would’ve been entertained by my new 4’2 (I think), Jordanian friend, Leen, who I sat next to on the plane. Or Gordanian as I liked to call it. Or Michael Jordan as I also liked to mistake it for. The jokes were flying out, it was a long, looong flight for her. I also used tried out my new truth line… I’m a writer -“Oh yeah, what do you write?” – A blog, ha… which went down well. So did her joke of… Yeah, I’m a terrorist, undercover sorority girl… so it was a hilarious flight home. I played two songs off the top of my head too, Lean Back, and Come On Eileen, which were received with two pitiful shakes of her head. Overall, a mighty flight! Especially, especially, seeing as I now have a joke to tell in Arabic (phonetically speaking)… Esh byakol hsaan looti? Hasheeeeeeeesh!!! (Say the punch line in a West Hollywood accent and you might be able to guess it).

Two things that did manage to put a pep in my step in the past hour… 1. My brother telling me that people who we might not have met before or seen in years, were blatantly showing him their disappointment, when he told them he wasn’t me when asked earlier at the removal, ha. Appears I have a Joe Dolan type of fan base building up. And 2. This song for some reason, which was used before but funk it, recycle on…

All My Friends by LCD Soundsystem

Pardon. I’m Sorry? Hang On…

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If you have not being keeping up to date, shame on you, why the funk not? For those that have, good work, you will know my plan is to now go to San Francisco, save some bobs, and get a bit of normality back. Minor issues really, main one is so I can write my pilot for the sitcom, and prepare a scene that I will make when I head back to L.A. It is crunch time. Without a shadow of a doubt. Can I produce the goods, we shall see, re de de. I have been listening to Bon Jovi a lot over the past few days. Oh Jesus.

Once again, I was right on time for the flight leaving LAX, got through the airport perfectly, onto the plane and flew off, without any hitch along the way. Sure. As of late, I have being having a bit of a run of mishaps in this department, particularly when it comes to the security check point. This time was to be no different. My flight was at 6 in the evening, so I spent the day dawdling, half packing, making some sandwiches for the flight, deciding to go to the gym at the last minute, and then hurriedly finishing up with my packing, as any ape would do. Initially, I thought I was going to be late for the flight. However, 5.20 is actually plenty of time for the check-in, wuu huu, happy days.

While standing in the pretty long line for the security gate, I remembered that the reason that I had an immense thirst and no water to quench it with, was seeing as I knew you couldn’t bring water through security. Clever me. Why I did not think the same applied to turkey and tomato sandwiches, I still don’t know. There was bob hope I was letting any of the food in my house go to waste with my budget, so I ended up bringing a mountain of food with me. Eating 6 big turkey and tomato sandwiches, with no water, so they were delightfully dry, can take longer than you might think. I almost finished them all off, even letting people pass by me and skip ahead, I can be very cordial at times. However, when I noticed the time, and that my name was being called out at the gate for the flight, I decided enough was enough with the sandwiches, I was a tad late.

Now I was the one skipping past people to the front, my name was being called, apologies, must get through. Somehow, while I was swallowing lumps of turkey and what felt like full tomatoes, the security lady seemed to gather what I was telling her, and waved me through, up to the trays. Threw my bag, iPod, phone, notebook, chewing gum, pen, other phone, belt, flip flops, chewing gum, tic-tacs, headphones, everything into the two trays and hurried through. No beep, wuu. “Excuse me sir, you’ll have to take off your hat and go through again” What the funk, there was no beep, I’m late! “Go back and take off your hat, it must go through.” The security guard was killing me! Hat off, threw it on top of my laptop, back through, no beep, my name being called out over the intercom for the flight, I needed to go!

Grabbed all my stuff, threw them all into my man/hand bag, grabbed my laptop, where’s my hat, come on hat, there we go, and took off for the gate, with my shorts falling off as I ran (belt was in the bag, no time to put it on). Took off at the fastest speed I could possible manage, which was not pretty fast with my shorts falling down and carrying my man/hand bag at an awkward angle, trying to squeeze my laptop into it while I scuttled along. Thankfully, it looked like the gate was close enough, happy days. It was around then when I thought I heard someone say “Hey you, come back, hey, stop.” However, seeing as my name was once again being called out over the intercom, I chose to listen to the big booming voice and not look to see who was calling who, behind me.

When the words “You in the hat, hey, stop now sir, stop!!!” were bellowed from behind me, I chose to look around, just to see, the hat factor made me feel a bit like I should. And I saw two security guys chasing after me, followed by a girl. Still half jogging, shorts falling, hat wobbling on top of my head, I gave the custom – Who, me? – and pointed to myself. At this point I stopped, finally realizing that they were calling after me, oh God, what the funk is wrong now?!

“Sir, you took that laptop which does not belong to you, you will have to come back with us”. Once again, what the funk?!! You stopped me because of that?!!! This is my laptop, I’m sorry, but thats my name that is being called over and over for the flight, I have to go, it is my laptop. “Sir, it is not your laptop, just step over here with us”. This is some funking joke, I am going to miss my flight! It is my bloody laptop! I know it is my laptop, 100%. This is just stupid. If I miss the flight, you are paying for a new flight for me, and I want an apology! This is some joke! Fine here, look, my laptop.


Handed over my laptop, my white laptop, in its black covered case, which I know so well, and watched them open it up, waiting for an apology. Except, and there was always going to be an except really, they opened up the black laptop case, and pulled out a pink laptop. How on earth did my laptop turn pink?! What is going on?!! This is when the girl said “That’s it, that’s my laptop, here is yours” and handed me over a very similar looking laptop case, black, and when I opened it up, my laptop was somehow in it. How did my laptop get into her identical black laptop case? All pretty bizarre. Unless you’re not an idiot, and it made perfect sense.

In my hurried and turkey laden dumb state, I had, obviously, grabbed the wrong laptop. In all fairness though, what are the odds of the person one tray before mine having the exact, exact same case? Not sure really, but I am guessing not too high. Em, sugar, sorry about that, ha, it’s not my laptop alright, no need for that apology I demanded a few seconds ago, I apologise. Sorry. Thanks, I was in a rush. Are we cool? Did I tell you that that is me being called for the flight, listen… there, that’s me, Mark’s my name, gotta run, nice to meet you all! And off I eventually went. Great fun.

To cap this story off, I eventually made the flight, after having to stand at the gate and be given out to, by the (ridiculously good looking) air hostess, for being late and holding up the flight. So I felt bad, as I took my seat. Until I realized about 10 minutes later that the flight had still not left. And did not do so, not until 3 more off duty and drunk (but all still also ridiculously good looking) air hostesses came aboard and took their seats by mine. Still no clue why they kept calling me so much if those 3 weren’t on the plane before me. I am convinced they set me up. Unfortunately, I was unable to set myself up any more. All married.

Song of the day, at the end of the day, is this song… I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You (Twelves Remix) by The Black Kids