Category Archives: Writing

Blissfully Unaware

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On paper, these 3 things sound good. It was hot today. Good laugh out in Dubla last night. The train back to Cork was full of women. 3 positives. You would think. However, combine a factor from each, and it actually turns fairly sour. 3 hours stewing in the potent, combined smell of sweat and fake tan, on a train, while hungover to the gills, is not the greatest way to spend a Saturday afternoon. But, can’t complain. I got an opening paragraph out of it at least. 

Unfortunately, like a text I tried to send earlier, that paragraph took me at least 20 minutes to write. It has been a slow, dumb day. The text was at least 4 times the length of that paragraph as well, one of those horrendously rambling texts I enjoy sending, every now and again. Every 5 minutes or so. In the end, I had to delete it all, due to the complete lack of sense it even came close to making, and just sent “Yes”. Which I have yet to receive a reply back from. No wonder my Dublin jinx, in a certain area, powers on.

Thursday night was looking so promising as well. Well, in the sense that a quite tasty lady, for whatever reason (drink?), was laughing at all my joke. Make that plural actually, if you count the fact I now tell the same one in Arabic. Until, that is, she broke into tears. Sad tears too. Not really the kind of reaction one hopes for. I suppose its a reaction at least. In an effort to make her feel better, and so she would stop thinking it was weird that she started crying in a crowded bar, I started to join in with her. I can now spring tears it appears. At least the acting classes in L.A have paid off in one way, well worth the money I didn’t have to pay. She appreciated the gesture, then probably found it weird. And then went to the bathroom. I didn’t wait around that long for her to come back. 17 minutes flies by on your own. (Tears? Seriously? How did I actually think that might’ve went well?)

Last night was completely different, you’ll be glad to hear. The interesting offers were flying in. Two tempting 3-some offers. Very tempting. Except the fact that neither were the good kind which one dreams of. One was a joke, I think, from a buddy and his lady friend. A joke. Definitely. I think. While the other, was from some random dude I met at the bar , waiting to order a drink. Who asked me would I be up for it, the other people involved being him, and my buddy. The same one who was with his lady friend. She got the chop it seemed. I politely declined his offer, and pretended to accept the drink he bought me. Don’t worry, I made sure to swap it for the one he bought for himself. Weird enough that I saw the 3 of them getting a taxi together afterwards.

Seeing as the stand-up was recorded this week, I am aware of how it went. The reaction to me doing stand-up last week was… “Are you serious? You’re joking?” before I went up, and “Well done, good boy, here’s a biscuit, fair play” when I came off stage. This week, the reaction was… “Are you sure? Do you want to do it again?” and then “Well, its done, better than last week.” Ha, progress in my eyes, practice makes perfect, can’t beat awkward silences and bombing. Once again the funniest part of the night, for me, was hunting down the organiser to get paid. I was literally chasing him through the bar, in one door, out the other, down one stairs, up the other, finally catching him, out of breath, in the men’s bathroom. And, catching him out when he claimed he couldn’t pay me more than last week, seeing as he only had €100 notes(?), he had no change. That works for me, the less change you pay me with, the better. My fee is steadily rising! 

Other meetings in Dublin went well. It seems. I think. Then again, who knows. Not one to jump the gun. I am unaware, it seems, when it comes to the big things. Thankfully, for my own sanity, I have found myself becoming more aware of the smaller things. I now work in tandem with my shadow to determine when I might need a haircut. Not a mirror. But my shadow. Isn’t that great work by me?! My priorities are really in order. A slow, dumb, dumb day. Half thinking of going the text route. A “Yes” blogaruu would make far more sense.

Still not sure if I even like this song too much, but, anyways, Yes.

Bloc Party

One More Chance - Bloc Party

Have You Ever…?

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Seeing as some folk complained that they didn’t know when the debut was last week (spoof), I will start off with a plug. If anyone is in Dublin tomorrow night (tonight? Thursday, the 2nd) round 2 of stand-up in Ireland is going ahead in Temple Bar, the more hecklers the merrier! I can’t believe I’ve just advertised on the blog, I have well and truly sold out. How much did I get paid for that? Back to the blogaruu…

Have you ever been introduced to someone, who you already kind of know, but was never properly introduced to them? Sober anyways. And you know that they don’t like you. As in numerous people might have told you, how much that person went on about your immense downfalls or shortcomings, over and over again at a party one night, that kind of thing. And you probably don’t have time for that person either, seeing as they bothered to bitch about you, without ever even speaking to them. However, the person who is introducing, is completely oblivious to all this. Then the third party slowly starts to get a vibe, as it finally dawns on them, that X does not seem to like you, and you don’t seem to be too open to X in return. The great, awkward “Oh, do ye know each other already? Have ye met before” moment kicks in. And the fun is had. No? Me neither.

Have you ever had to catch a train to Dublin at 8.30, but decided to first jump in the shower at about 8.04. With the train station about a 15 minute drive at least, depending on traffic. And leaving any bit of packing to be done, until after the shower? Then wonder why you bothered? Nope? Me neither.

Have you ever then, to make matters worse, actually spent the whole entire train trip making out a demo mix, which you have actually been asked for a while back, and asked again today, by a promoter of a brand new club in L.A. Could be a big break. And you are on fire! One of the greatest D.J’ing performances, known to mankind, is occurring on a train from Cork to Dublin. You will proudly show off your mixing and remixing talent, with this 2 hour mix that you have just performed, and recorded, on the mostly empty section of the train. Until, of course, you realize, whoops, must not have recorded that actually. You are certain that you did, better check again… no, didn’t work for some reason. The job. Anyone? Me neither.

Have you ever made out a highly important to-do list. Vital stuff on the list, in order of priority, buckle down and have to get through it before the weekend, must make this week count. Then, you realize that you have actually put at number 2 on that list, prioritizing it as the 2nd most important thing you need to do, is to buy a pen. Even though you are writing the list with a pen, and have a handful in your bag, you really need this special type of pen, or else you can’t move on to number 3 on the list. Nay? Me nayther.

Final one, have you ever woke up to rain absolutely bucketing down outside your window? Skies are grey, horrendous looking day, it is a bad start. From that alone, if you were to predict what the rest of it may be like, you would think “bleak”. Then, within 5 minutes, or however long it might take you to read a text and check your emails, it immediately turns into the best day all week. By far. So far, anyways. All those annoying things that you were impatiently waiting on all day Monday, started to trickle back your way, all with good news. Good as in progress was still being made, baby steps and all. Yeah? Me too! Today! Pretty weird.

I lied, one last one… Have you thought to yourself “I am fairly tired. Very in fact. I know, I’ll do a blogaruu based around the game – Have you ever? – and it’ll actually be a good one. Yeah, that sounds like a plan” Then, after you type it all up, you realize, eh, maybe that was a horrendous idea? Maybe that did no go as well as you planned. Perhaps you should’ve slept on the train, instead of not recording a great mix? Em, not fully sure, but I think I may have definitely done that one too. Does not bode well for stand-up tomorrow night!

New songs a plenty, here is just one…

Fleet Foxes

Blue Spotted Tail - Fleet Foxes

Chimping Away

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I do believe that more people in Ireland should be on Twitter. And here is why… the number one question I have been asked in a hurry, since I got home, has been – “Are you on Meteor?” (For any none Irish readers, Meteor customers get free phone calls and texts to each other). I have since come up with a handy tactic. If I want to talk to that person, then the answer is yes. If I don’t, then I am not Meteor I’m afraid, why do yo… usually the person has hung up at this stage, so that no more of their credit is wasted. Am I actually on Meteor? Who knows, it depends, ha. The truth is, weirdly enough, my Yank phone, like in Mexico, is free to use in Ireland, so I am really still using that. 

Back to my great point. If more people were on Twitter, they could just text Twitter their group text, e.g Who’s out tonight? One text to Twitter, and they will have reached all their other friends, who are also on Twitter. Including those not on Meteor. I have noticed that some people are no longer friends with each other anymore, or may not have spoken with them in a long, long time, purely based on what network they now are. The big R, huh, a roll-on effect!

Although, it is fair to say that some people are on Twitter. Seeing as a girl I spoke to the other night, told me that she too was watching Neil Young on t.v, playing at Glastonbury (I did a Twitter of how good he was, savage, rocking on!). Anyways, I did get the impression that she was lying to me, perhaps saying it just for the sake of it. Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe she did see Neil Young, but seeing as she told me she loved Neil Diamond “He was so good at Glastonbury, I saw your Tweet” Neil Diamond? Are you sure? “Yeah, I love (cue singing voice) – Forever in blue jeans babe – he looked so good at Glastonbury, wish I was there” Neil Diamond? Definitely? “Eh, yeah, Neil Diamond, forever in blue jeans, my favourite…” I think she might have made the story up. But, maybe I’m wrong.

Come to think of it, maybe I’m wrong about a lot of things. I personally think change is good. But maybe I’m wrong. Recently, a guy came up to me who definitely was not a fan of change. I gathered this from “I remember you in school, you’ve changed. What are you up to? When are you going to cop on?” School. Not back in college/university, but back in school (which is another weird thing, in Ireland and Emerica everyone says college, all Europe say university, horrendously pointless point by me really). Not even sure if he was referring to secondary school either, or further back to primary school. We’ll say secondary though. Which would be about 8 years.  Changed in 8 years. What a weird thing to do. When I gave the compliment back, that he had not changed a bit, I could see that this pleased him immensely. Win, win really. Being honest, I only recognized him because of the school jumper he was still wearing. Oh Jesus.

See, maybe I am wrong. Maybe resigning myself to the fact that I have already had the best summer of my life, or the best night of my life, or the best haircut of my life, or have already been with the hottest girl that unreal night when my haircut was unreal, is the way to go. I wish I could go back to those days. They were unreal. Seriously. Greatest ever. Sounds like the better option really.

 Today has been progressive enough, chimping away all day! Ha, the chimp part came from a girl earlier, we’ll call her Theodore, mistaking the word chip, for chimp. In fairness though, chimpmunks and chipmunks are close enough. Maybe it wasn’t a fully productive day actually. Although, in the past few days, a good few innocuous incidents like those above, have got me thinking, and I now have a new light to shine upon the sitcom. A different approach, which is getting good feedback already. From family and friends. Which doesn’t really count. Only the opinionated shrill of a gay man counts these days it seems. They did set that bar high!

Speaking of which, the blog numbers have ballooned in the past few days. Go on the blog! Not too sure why. As in there has been no flogging of its amazing appeal. Obviously, the past few blogaruus have just been superb. Hoviously. Which leads me to believe, that maybe a third light could be shone on the sitcom angle. Perhaps one about a dope sitting around all day Twittering and Spacebooking, while pestering people with emails and phone calls, could be a big, big hit too. I think I may be onto something. Then again, I’ve changed. Maybe not. Who knows? 

Song of this chimpy day…

Vampire Weekend

The Kids Don't Stand A Chance (Miike Snow Remix) - Vampire Weekend

http://tinyurl.com/lnm5u9

 

Pop!

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… went my DJ cherry in Ireland on Saturday night. A tremendously horrendous use of an onomatopoeic title. Anyways, I think the gay dudes, in the gym back in L.A, may have raised the bar too high. And by that, I mean for their reactions to the songs and remixes I play. You can’t beat the shrill and squeal that they somehow manage to give (and a few women too, obviously) whenever a surprising remix kicks in. Or if just a good song comes on. Unfortunately, if I now do not get the same reaction to these savage songs, I think that something might be wrong. Its not though. The gig went well. As in it couldn’t really go too far wrong, and the music was good. Even managed to get some women dancing. Seemingly some women in Cork have good taste. In music. Wuu!

Again, surprising people seems to be a common factor that has begun to reoccur. “It is surprising that you were not as bad as I imagined you would be. You looked like you would’ve been bad.” Apparently this is a good thing nowadays. Although, the triple request for GMC, Tiesto, or “at least some trance” did throw me off for a song or two. Irish requests are not part of my act it seems. In fairness, I wasn’t threatened to be bottled this time. Plus, I was asked to “come to Eyebeeta with me and the gurls, we’ll show you real proper music. What’s the story with your hair?” I am looking forward to getting back to L.A fast, where I am let do my own thing, and can bask in the glow of shrills and eeks. I miss the guys.

Need to get something off my chest, which I have been meaning to say for a while… I cannot stand hanging out socks to dry. Wrecks my head. Ha, dumb. All jokes aside, I had planned on writing a very witty and celebrity filled blogaruu at this time. However, after having to hang out those socks, I am now too annoyed. Which actually goes well with the rest of the day being honest. While it is not yet over, it would appear that hanging out a heap of socks might be the most productive act I have achieved. Not a good sign if this is the highlight.

Today I had to deal with the fact that patience is needed. Rome was not built in a day. While all of what I am doing at the moment is the most important thing for me right now, it is, obviously, not the most important thing for everyone else. Felt like a wasted day, stagnated, did not progress as much as I had planned. Maybe bits and pieces were accomplished but nothing to write up about. A lot of my efforts bore the same result… pending. I wont get to find out for a few days. Or I’ll get a call/email back about it during the week. Just not today, and not right now. The juggling of two time zones is great fun too. Pending. Pen. Ding. That should’ve been the dumb title, but I am no longer a fan of the term. It had me too frustrated all day.

Also, the question which was cropping up from all angles over the weekend, started to infect my head today… “When are you going back to L.A?” Its not the fact that people are asking me that, at all, just a normal question. Not like the whole “You’re freaked!” observation. What is wrecking my head about the question, is that I still do not have an answer. It is pending. I just don’t know. Nor will I for a week or so, at least. If today was anything to go by anyways. I am in complete limbo. So thats what had me annoyed all day. Thats why I did not get much done.

Actually, I’m lying. Its not the reason. I started to cop on I’ve been like that for months, limbo on, day-to-day kind of thing. I could’ve easily ploughed on with sitcom re-writes I need to do, but it wasn’t happening, so I blamed the above for not doing it. (This appears to me as if it might unravel into a rant, so tune out now if you like, ha). I started to break down why I was so annoyed, from the moment I woke up. I woke up tired. I was tired because I did not have a great sleep. Reason for that was that I went to sleep wound up. Annoyed. Wanting to bounce my phone off the wall.

Right now, 3 things wreck my head… People who ask for favours all the time, then run for the hills if one is asked in return. Fake people. Condescending people. Combine all 3 of those into the conversation I had with one person last night. Friend of a friend. Circumstances more than buddies. Not really someone I would particularly like to hang out with. Or have to phone. However, last night I had to ring them, to get through to someone else.

Worst call ever. The dumb part is that I don’t think this person realized I would cop on to their fake, patronizing ways. After seeing this person deal with others the exact same way before though, I would be dumb not to. Funny part was this was all before I even brought up the reason for my phone call. What an ape. Not fully sure why this all annoyed me so much. I suppose I like my sleep. And do not like fake, condescending apes. End of rant.

Mondays are a magnificent laugh! Its not all fun and games with gay dudes shrieking. I would not recommend trying to write any stand-up, comedy scenes or sketches either, if you are in a frustratingly annoyed mood. If you do, pending final draft of course, they might all end up involving your phone, a pop and some ape’s head. Or, maybe the usual frustration from Dublin is just spilling over, ha. We all need a rant now and again. Or, if not a rant, at least some trance?

No trance I’m afraid. Something else to chill out to. One of the best…

Broken Social Scene

Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene

Sans Miguel

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Being honest, now and again, I perhaps can be a bit (very) superstitious, paranoid, neurotic, estúpido, whatever you might want to call it. Nothing dumb like walking under a ladder, or a black cat running across me. That’s just dumb. My peculiarities are far more intelligent. Obviously.

For example, if I have a bad thought about something that might potentially happen in the future, I have to tap my head. Then some wood. Then my tongue. And finally my head one last time. Ha, only joking, obviously… Stupid stuff like having to play the same song first, on a playlist on my iTunes, wreck my head on a constant basis. They’re just two that happened while writing this paragraph. I have no clue at all why I even do half the stuff anymore, but in my head, if I don’t do them, I am tempting fate. Good laugh. So, with that in mind, I will just say that it has been a good week in Dubla. A productive week. Progress being made on this side of the world too. Big weeks. And baby steps. My new horrendous saying.

Moving swiftly on, my Irish stand-up debut in Dublin last Thursday was pretty funny. Maybe not so much my act, but the whole night in general. The MC could not have known that the crowd there was at least half made up of Cork folk. So, when he decided to try and mock one Cork person, only to be heckled, burnt and ridiculed back, over and over by different Cork “langers” in the crowd, it started the night off on a good note.

However, the first guy up, a dude playing a guitar and singing humorous songs related to his STD’s, did not help. At all. Purely because he was fairly good. As in actually funny. Something I was not hoping for. Setting the standard. Thankfully, the second guy up had severe anger issues. After watching the other acts in L.A, I quickly learned that alienating/abusing the crowd as a whole, is not a great route to take. From my point of view, it worked nicely. He did well freaking the crowd out enough that they would laugh at any old dope up next, as long as he wasn’t screaming at them. Happily, this was my cue. 

Since my mighty performance, feedback has been split roughly – actually, I would say exactly – down the middle. Between my buddies, and randomers afterwards coming up throughout the night, the feedback has been in two camps… “I liked it, but I thought the parts where you had banter and mocked the crowd were better, do more of that. It was good though, I was surprised” … “Funny enough, but you should stick to your routine more, keep to your own jokes. You kind of did too much stuff with the crowd. Well done though”. Seriously, it has been right down the middle. So, only fair thing to do is take bits from each feedback, and say it was a roaring success! The cherry has been popped.

Cold light of day, I need to ramble less, have more of an act (which I’ve figured out, wuu) and ensure that an angry, psychotic, weird little guy is on just before me. I might ask him if he wants to start a double act. Just one where we’re never on the same stage at the same time. Should go well. And, if anyone is wondering, by far the last guy up was the funniest. Hilarious older guy, who slaughtered two English dudes in the front row. Who were actually Australian, but nobody cared at the time. 

One good thing to almost come out of the stand-up, was the issue I have with Dublin. However, unfortunately, she was not my type. Still though, an interesting light was shone on the performance angle. Not that it made a difference. I think the ratio in Dublin is off kilter (what a brutal excuse!)

One last thing that I found funny on the night, is of how many people love asking me… “How much do you make for all this?” For all what? “All this, the stand-up, the DJ stuff, the blog, how much do you make?” Ha, how much do you make? “Ah thats different, I just want to know how much you make” Which is just a dumb conversation I had a few times that night. However, I will now divulge how much I did make for the stand-up gig.

Just as the night was finishing up, news was breaking that Michael Jackson has just died. Around this time, the organizer of the night came up to me, thanks for doing it and all that, here’s the money, and slipped it into my hand. Then, he quickly scurried off. I was finding out if the news about his death was true, so didn’t even check the wad for a few minutes. When I did, I started to laugh. €20. Wuu! No wonder he ran off so fast. That is going in my next act, some funking joke.

The blog has been in hiatus for a few days. Still though, song of the day will have to be a tribute to Michael Jackson. Fair enough he might not have been a saint or anything, but, for me, definitely the greatest entertainer ever. And this song showed he could still produce gems!

Michael Jackson

 You Rock My World

Lack Of Action

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I shall not lie, I have never really gotten on well with Dublin. Or in, to be exact. Probably not for reasons which other people may have either. Proper city, multi-cultured, variety, more than a handful of clubs and pubs, all of that stuff that you would expect from a big city. However, something always bugged me about Dublin. And, being honest, I know exactly why. It is the home of my kryptonite. I never have any joy here. At all. If you know what I mean. Obviously there are plenty of reasons why this might occur, but anywhere else in the world, these factors do not seem to all converge together at once. Whatever it may be, no matter how hard I try, I just never clicked with Dublin, in that sense. 

Worst part of all, is that the talent up here is pretty good. In fact, today for example, it was fairly savage. Once again though, I got a sign that the lack of action streak would continue for me up here. While walking down Grafton Street, I was trying to multi-task. Phone and bottle of water in one hand. A banana, apple and iPod in my other hand. (Wallet, tic-tacs and notepad in my pockets, so I was weighed down). Trying to eating a second full banana, hands free, so it was sticking out of my mouth. And all the time, trying to get through the busy street towards Temple Bar, while admiring the hot women that were window shopping. It was a lot of multi-tasking. Which I managed to do well. Until I walked into one of the waist high poles that are along the street.

Seeing as, obviously, I never saw the pole, I was fairly surprised at why there was a sudden, sharp, sickening pain coming from my groin area. I thought somebody had kicked me in the rucksack. And left their foot there. My first reaction was to give an inquisitive… Awww?…  which, in turn, forced the full banana to pop out of my mouth, and onto the ground. Trying to grab the banana, I almost sent my iPod flying which made me grab out and fling an apple across the street. Kindly, an old lady picked up the now  3/4’s left banana off the gorund, and handed it back to me. Which I had to throw into the bin, not being a fan of dirt. And I think she took that as insulting, somehow.  

The whole affair was slapstick, brutal and dumb as funk. Two girls who were window shopping next to me, just stood there and gave me a pitiful look. I think they might have thought I was actually remedial in some way. Not far off, perhaps. I was in too much pain to try and pretend to be cool, walk it off, so I just told them… I’m cool girls, come on, I swear, I am coool, give me another chance! Too late. Once again, trying too hard. That all too familiar sign, which I always get in Dublin. Not going to happen buddy. The pole in the groin is the most action I will be getting up here.

Not to worry though, progress being made on other fronts. Managed to get around to a load of different places today, network on, my level of information and knowledge is growing more and more. Plus, a meeting has been arranged in RTE for this Friday, happy days. And, also, last night I got good news about visa options. I know have two routes available to me. Depends on a few factors, but looking promising. To an extent.

One area, where I might not be as ready as I thought I might have been, is for my stand-up gig tomorrow night. Being honest, I thought I’d get 7 minutes together fairly quickly, an hour or two. Bob hope. I can talk away for 7 minutes fine. It is just not 7 minutes of laughter. In fact, from what I have tried out so far on my able guinea pig (go on the Rink) I do not think I even got 7 laughs. Or half laughs. The best, so far, has been, “Yeah, that might be good. Just don’t use it in the stand-up.” My best joke didn’t even get a half laugh! I am goosed.

Now that I think about it though, he could be wrong. Actually, he is definitely wrong. The blame for the lack of laughter, like the lack of action, is obviously not down to the quality of jokes. Or myself. It is blatantly the people I am wasting these golden lines on. Just not cool or clever enough to get them, I suppose. Obviously. (Worst part of all this is, I am thinking of using that tomorrow night. Oh sweet Jesus).

Song of the day…

Knotty Pine

Knotty Pine - Dirty Projectors & David Byrne