Category Archives: Random Ramblings

No Complaints

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After my stupidly cocky sentence yesterday – along the lines of me flying with the writing, should be finished today, I am so productive, I managed to do a third of it in the last few hours, I am brilliant – the inevitable, was inevitably, going to happen. I accomplished bob all today. Well, compared to yesterday at least. I managed to get one scene good to go in the final act. And re-wrote a few other scenes which I had finished previously. Again.

However, I shall not complain about the decrease in progress today. The reason, which I now try to stick to as much as I can, is that nobody enjoys other people complaining. Its just tiring. Unless it is a short, brief, humorous complaint. However, if it occurs over and over, you just don’t want to be around that person. Or read that blog. They get cut.

For example, I think I could easily complain to Red Bull, if I was so inclined. While chugging back my regular can of Bull just before the gym earlier, I noticed something peculiar. I don’t drink it for pleasure, just for the buzz it gives me, so I’m not one to savour the taste. Opened the can, opened my mouth, and gulped back a big mouthful, maybe half the can. As I swallowed, all in one swoop, I noticed there was something solid going down with the liquid, and before you could say “Gulp”, it was all down the hatch. No clue what it was, in the slightest. I almost hope it was a rat’s toe, or a mouse’s finger. As long as it doesn’t kill me, it will just make the story better, so I can’t really complain. If I do ever get to find out. I shall be inspecting, ahem.

This change in complaint attitude, comes from living in L.A. Polar opposite to Cork. It is the most optimistic place you will ever be, ridiculously so. I imagine the suicide rate is quite high though. I never said it was genuine optimism, but still, fake of that, is far better than real pessimism. Another thing about L.A, in a similar fashion, is that people there will genuinely go out of their way to help you. More so than usual. The amount of invaluable help that I’ve gotten for free is unreal… acting classes, writing advice are the top two I can think of. However, I’ve also never been anywhere where people will try to con you so much, or at least try to make some money out of you, by luring you in with false hope of real help.

The key to getting the right balance, is to know when to pull out. Thats what she said. Apologies. Honestly though, if you can spot that a seeming potential offer of help, is actually going to be spoof or extremely costly, just reverse the roles, and let on that you are interested, but what are the perks going to be. Could you show me a free example perhaps. Just make sure to cut the chord, usually right before either your pants, or their’s, are asked to be taken off.

This happened to me today. The “Hey, long time no speak, how’s it all going, how can I help” spiel. A writing course, which I was sussing out, months back, built themselves up as the only way in to Hollywood. If you don’t learn how to write with us, then there’s no point in you even trying. That kind of thing. They had me worried.

After I had initially contacted them, and given my back story, they replied with the usual stuff, listing out every successful person who has been through their door, or walked by it. There is only one possible way that I could be as successful as them, and that is by doing this course they provided. And then that course. We are here to help, especially in this tough economic time. We are here to help you. Not to make a profit. Just to help. We are almost a charity. All this crap.

I say with full confidence that it is pure and utter crap, after I recieved his 6th email. The first 5 lengthy emails were about how he was purely here to help me, he now thought of me as a friend, I shouldn’t hamper my immense potential anymore, let him help me to unleash it, and so on. The 6th was dashed with words of encouragement, hiding the price list at the very end. Here she blows…

Online Professional Membership Fee and Payment Options:

For 4 Project Cycles (check one)

$4,995 payable upon registration or

$2595 initial payment followed by 18 consecutive monthly payments of $150 or

$1895 initial payment followed by 20 consecutive monthly payments of $175 or

$1095 initial payment followed by 22 consecutive monthly payments of $200

So, I emailed back, oh very interested, especially at such a competitive rate, I think I will sign up. Just a few more questions… what kind of stuff could you do for t.v, in particular sitcoms? Which route should someone writing a sitcom take next? What pointers could you give me exactly? I knew this was going to be my last email, so might as well try for free advice.

Doesn’t seem like much, but I managed to get  one Word document of “Basic Notes On Television Writing”. Handy when you are lacking the basics, like myself, although I was familiar with a few. I just didn’t heed them too well when I was first told them first time around…

Writers Boot Camp

Basic Notes on Television Writing

1. A spec script is one that is written on “speculation” (without pay).  In the world of TV staffing, a spec script is one that emulates an episode of a particular series.

2. Writers breaking into television generally do so by writing spec scripts.

3. Writing spec scripts is really a process of proving to a potential employer, a showrunner,  that you have the acumen and talent to work for them.

4. The three traits of a spec script worthy of submission are:

a)     Amazing storyline ideas never done before on the series;

b)    Nailing the character voices, expectations and series conceits;

c)     Out loud funny, if comedy; provocative, if drama.

5. While there are exceptions to rules by exceptional people, it’s still not recommended to new writers to write original pilots–except as an exercise. 

6. Of course, it’s positive to write anything, but most writers who haven’t written spec scripts will fail the challenge of breaking down their own show, and most writers without staff experience will not have the opportunity to run their own show.

7. A stunt spec is one that might resurrect a series from the past, or combine two series.  They are difficult to pull off, but certainly worth doing as an exercise.

8. In addition to having a good personality, it usually takes at least two GREAT spec scripts, and often a third piece of original material, for an agent to champion you as someone to represent.

9. The challenge is that it may take writing many scripts for any to be great.

10. Decide whether you are a comedic or dramatic writer.  Choose your projects accordingly.

11. Choose spec scripts for shows that will be on the air for a couple of years.

12. Choose spec scripts that are established–so that readers are familiar with the show–yet that are not such evergreens that it would be difficult to create unique storylines.

13. It’s generally a good idea to write one of the top five shows in your chosen genre.

14. Dramedy is not a very effective word, description or genre, so don’t use it.

15. While the distinctions of writing for television are important, television and feature are more similar than they are different.

16. The main difference between writing for television and features is that each series has its own established conceits and structural parameters, which supersede standard expectations.

17. When writing a spec script, you would write a Unity Page for the series AND for each storyline in the episode.

18. The 3-6-3 is optional for television writing due to the fact that there are less scenes per script in comparison to a feature, and there are multiple storylines further reducing the challenging of managing structure.

19. All basic series television formats fall within the guidelines of Main Character-Driven, Four Segment Story Structure. 

20. When writing a spec, you should study the episodes and storylines of the existing series to understand its requirements.

21. Too few writers investigate the history and workings of a series enough to bring fresh ideas that reach beyond the typical storylines tried by all of the writers around town.

22. Your Conceits for spec scripts will naturally be Story Conceits due to the need to honor the existing Character Conceits, if any, of the show you’re emulating.

23. Unless a personal friend, your goal would rarely be to submit your spec to someone working on that show due to the unlikely event that you will intuit their inside knowledge and show arcs, as well as the studio’s need to protect themselves legally.

24. When major story changes occur on the series, like Ross and Rachel breaking up again, then your specs need to be updated.

25. Even most experienced writers find they must write new material to be considered by the industry in a different genre, or if they come off a show that has ended.

26. 1-Hour Drama scripts are usually 45-60 pages, formatted as a feature, meaning that scene direction and dialogue are single-spaced.

27. 1/2-Hour, Single-Camera Film is roughly 23-35 pages, formatted as a feature, single-spaced as well.

28. 1/2-Hour, Multi-Camera (Sitcom) is roughly 45-60 pages, with double-spaced dialogue and character names and very spare scene direction.

29. When writing spec scripts, we recommend that you study the scripts of produced episodes to identify the traits of the page.  While not every industry pro will know exactly how each series script looks, it will help you match Scene Work to what’s on screen.

30. When attempting a pilot script, it’s important to understand that it is expected to be a template for perhaps 100 episodes.

31. A pilot script should be seen as an establishing script as opposed to an introductory episode.  Of course, certain introductions will necessarily be included.

32. Voiceover, in any writing form, can be helpful to inform the audience and create a rooting interest for a character.  But it’s best to make that choice based on concept and tone rather than as a crutch.

33. The writer of an original pilot should ask how their show is expressing what no other show has ever done.

34. Revenues from television have traditionally subsidized ventures into film production and helped the agency business survive.

35. TV is where most of the writing work is in the entertainment industry.

 

Firstly, funk number 5! And finally, now that I actually re-read them all again, there are some savage pointers which I can use. After all the other spoof emails I had to wade through, all in all, I can have no complaints.

This turned into way more writing than I had planned to do, probably the longest blogaruu yet, strange with the day being so uneventful. Anyways, song on…

Walcott by Vampire Weekend

Tree Things

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Firstly, if anyone is interested to know, I managed to get the second act of my episode on paper today. The whole thing, outline, dialogue, actions etc. In one day. It has taken me over a week to get the first act out of the way. I am confident I can get the third and final act started, and finished, by tomorrow. Pretty amazing what an actual, set deadline can do to get me into gear. Happy enough. I also have plans formulated for what to do, once I go back to L.A on Sunday. Plan A, B, and even, if needed, a C. Although one of them might include me just boozing and blowing all my remaining money as quickly as I can. But thats only if Plan A doesn’t work. Obviously.

Secondly, there is a big huge tree right outside the front steps of the cabin in the mountains (apartment in San Francisco) where I am staying at the moment. Every time I leave the house, I almost walk into that tree, or at least trip over one of it’s big, protruding roots. I left the house a couple of times today, strangely. And did not notice that the tree was gone. Fully. Roots and all. It had to be pointed out to me. Made me realize, I do not really notice big things.

However, earlier today, I was also going through notebooks of notes which I have taken recently. This led me to see, that I notice very small and insignificant things. Such as: if I think that someone, who is younger than me, is trying to say something profound, I will immediately stop listening and zone out. The same goes if someone, who, again, is younger than me, is attempting to give me advice. I will nod along, and pretend to mull it over, but inevitably I will not heed it, instead simply brush it away. Unless, of course, it is profound. Ha, stupid logic, but something that occurred to me today.

And finally, I also figured out that I love to recommend songs to people. Over and over, I will attempt to get people to listen to this song, or listen to that song, seeing as I think it is savage/funreal, surely they will too. If the person dismisses it, or does not enthusiastically give it a thumbs up, I will take it personally for a moment or two.On the other hand, if someone recommends a song to me, without me asking, I will simply pretend to listen to it. Max, I will give it 20 seconds. And probably not like it. Until a few weeks later, when I stumble upon it by my own accord, and listen to it fully. Then, and only then, more often than not, I will finally admit “Should’ve listen to Z about this one, pretty funking savage/funreal”. Again, pretty illogical.

My head is goosed from writing all day, so I will keep this blogaruu short and shour. Finishing with this question… does anyone know anything about ringtone, copyrights, obtaining them, using them, etc? Not ones that are actual songs made into ringtones. More the crap generic ones of most phones. Just out of curiosity.

Song of the day, which is actually not really savage, just very good, in a chilled way, is…

Northern Lights by Bowerbirds

Ha, You’re An Idiot. Seriously.

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Strangely, the following two incidents occurred within minutes of each other earlier today. Firstly, I made a cup of coffee, but boiled the kettle without checking. Lo and behold, there was exactly half a cup’s worth of water for coffee. An exact half cup. I looked at the cup for a few minutes. Wondering about the irony. The meaning. A good few minutes. Just staring at the cup. Trying to decide if it was half full. Or half empty. Until I put in some milk, and it was well over half full.

Minutes later I was on Spacebook, chatting with a buddy, who reminded me that it was the June weekend. Which, in turn, reminded me how long I have left on my current visa. When I remarked this to my buddy, thinking to myself how time is ticking, crunch time, my head getting a bit dizzy at the thought of it, his immediate response was “Plenty of time, head down, write on”. Even though my coffee was almost finished, the cup was still half full!!!

Was it fate that these two incidents happened within a few minutes of each other, as to highlight the importance? Perhaps. Do these two incidents have any correlation or meaning, whatsoever? Highly doubtful. Am I just connecting two stupid events and making one longer story of them? Definitely. However, it did kick me into gear a bit. I am heading back to L.A on Sunday, must make a few moves before the visa runs it course. Initially I had planned on being back well before now, but the sitcom is taking longer than I anticipated (I think my self diagnosis of OCD is making me re-write every line so that it is absolutely perfect). Almost there though, good to have a deadline as well.

Another reason why I chose Sunday, is that I am DJ’ing in San Fran on Saturday night. One might say, I am being flown all over the West coast these days to play gigs. But one would be lying. Still though, any bobs are highly appreciated in this day and age. Gig on! My reputation must be growing, I was head hunted for the gig. Word must travel quite quickly up from L.A. Absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my cousin’s fiance works at the venue. Definitely was asked from word of mouth and reputation alone. Anyone up in Frisco reading this, come along. Its down on Castro, dress code is chaps only.

A word for any writer without a clue like myself, or anyone who might be interested. I mentioned before that I have a great guru in L.A, who supplies me with invaluable information about the business, as they call it, the ins & outs, of which I am ridiculously clueless about. Anyways, usually if I call him, or he rings me to see how I am progressing, he laughs a bit at the start of the conversation (I do like to laden my conversations with jokes towards the start, make a good impression and all). However, he’s not laughing with me, purely and directly at me. At how clueless I am. Which, in turn, freaks me out. Oh good God, what have I done now, can the situation be rectified.

There were a few reasons why the laughter was forthcoming this time. I mentioned a few posts back, that I had a marketing company lined up in L.A, who offered to help with my viral campaign for the scenes which I intend on making. I have typed that sentence before, so it should really have clicked with me, that a few glaring potholes were in place. But it didn’t. Not even close. I was just giddy that the offer was given to me, it had made me feel productive in some way. When I declared this, proud as punch of my achievement, I was simply told “You have well and truly put the cart in front of the horse. In your typical Irish way. If nothing else, you were entertaining me with your irregular (i.e clueless) approach to getting the sitcom made”. Go on, I’m listening.

Question 1: “What was it exactly that you are going to do a viral marketing campaign for?”

The sitcom. “What sitcom?” My one. The one I am writing. “Oh right, your script?” But I’ll get a scene or two made as well. That is what the viral campaign will be about – show people a scene or two. Get people interested. “And then, show them two scenes, and thats it? The buzz just dies off?” Eh, haven’t really thought that far ahead. “You need about 40 scenes (exaggerating). You need to make the best scene from the episode you write. Then make the second best, and so on. Until, if needs be, you have made your own episode. Then you have something to show people. To keep them interested. And wanting more” Oh right. Didn’t really get that part. I just liked the word viral and the thought of having a campaign for something I was doing.

Question 2: “How much info about the sitcom, name, episode, premise etc have you told people about? Particularly in L.A?”

In L.A, just one, my buddy who runs the marketing company. I just emailed him a few lines about the premise though. And the name. I can email it to you as well now, sound good?!!! Wuu. Actually, I told two people in Ireland too, I think, and… At this stage, I started to think I was going to be laughed at. The green naive trusting fool. No. Worse… I was calmly spoken to, in a serious tone… “Don’t trust anyone, particularly in L.A, especially in L.A. Including me. Friendship is friendship, but business is business. Put everything in writing. Everyday in L.A, ideas are being taken, stolen, overheard in restaurants and used. People who had a bit of luck with one project, but are now struggling to find their next big thing, are always on the prowl to take your idea and cut you out. It has happened to me” Oh Jesus. “Hang up the phone. Do not email or tell me anything. Go to the Writer’s Guild website, and register absolutely everything. The name, the pitch, your material, the episode you are writing, everything. Then, call me back and tell me if you like”

Oh Jesus. Beads of sweat were pouring at this stage. Straight onto their website, copy and pasted everything into one Word document, and registered it all. Mastercard, you pulled it out of somewhere, good work. Might not be much, but at least it is now legal tender. Rang my informer back. He told me to get writing, get working, get it done and start getting it to the right people. It was a brief call back. A mighty phone call in general though. I felt I should pass on the advice!!!

As a side note, I now know the word count for all the blog so far. So I decided to check the average length of a novel. And… I have well over a book written. Amazing. I can write in quantity at least. This, along with the fact that I can now read minds. How do I know? Well, when I say I think we might have a Christmas best seller on our hands – a book based on the blog – I know already what you’re thinking. Simply re-read today’s title.

I am in a chilled enough mood, and tired, so one apt song, and another in a different vein…

This might bring you close to tears, you have been warned! Vaka by Sigur Ros

And… Because feat Radiohead by Chiddy Bang

I Deserve A Medley

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Apologies for anyone left high and dry without their daily dosage of the blog for the past day or two. Well, to that one person who asked where they were. The sitcom episode is coming together, but with my brain being used for that at full capacity, it could not cope doing both. However, over the past few days, one might say a medley of stories have occurred. So I’ll now string a few together, starting with the most important.

First random bit of useless info. A while back, I mentioned that one search that someone (or people) used to find the blog was something related to gay rape in a gym, or along those lines. Recently, “Do chicken have teeth?” was somehow, no clue at all as to how, but somehow, used as a search to get to my blogaduu. Pre-tty weird.

On my way to the gym on Friday I tried in vain to think of any possible connection of how this might be linked to the blog. Still didn’t get to figure it out. However, I did get to see a big gang fight happen. And by big gang fight, I mean two big gangs, being tough, talking about fighting, but not actually fighting. Like most fights really. Not like how Jack and Sawyer fought in the last episode of Lost, with the realistic punch effects. This was proper fighting, with little to no punches being thrown. 

While observing this tough gang fight, I noticed the homeless couple I had seen the day before. Once again, they were sitting against a wall, on the side of a street, and, once again, they were at it, hammer style. However, there was a difference this time. When the homeless woman got up and left her spot to get a better view of the fight. I noticed this, but also, that the hammer kept on hammering. By who, I wondered. Ah, thats right, obviously, by the dude. Sitting on the side of the street, with his hammer in his hand, covered, but still, doing a D.I.Y job, on his own. Once again, in the light of evening. Watching the fight, and, seemingly, getting off on it. All feelings of empathy were immediately lost. Like Bonnie, he was not the same without his woman. Now he was just a weird, blue balled, bald, homeless dude.

Unfortunately, he was not the only weird, blue balled, bald dude that I encountered that evening. In the gym, a regular nutter, some old, weird, bald, gay, creepy dude, once again started asking me if I do much work on my legs, could I recommend anything for his legs, or show him some exercises? These chicken things? No. And, no. When he left, probably the only other person younger than 37 in the gym, a quite pleasant looking girl, told me he chats her up as well. We bonded over baldy, blue balled weirdo! Turns out I was wrong too, well kind of. Still, I shouldn’t have presumed. He wasn’t gay. Actually, he was bi, seeing as he told the girl that, while also revealing to her that he likes to wear a wig at times, one similar to her own hair style! A great chat up line if ever I’ve heard one. Ha, funking nut. We bonded well over him. However, once the conversation drifted to any other topic, we lost the connection. Blue balled and bald, or nothing.

Skip forward to tonight (final gym and homeless related story). While walking back from the gym, I noticed a new homeless guy, who was not there on my way to the gym. And the reason I knew this, for a fact, was that he had managed to get a massive kings sized bed set up on the path for himself. It was huge, bigger than any bed I have ever slept in. How he got it there, I have no clue. He asked for a dollar, so I gave him all my money, a few quarters, purely for having that bed. On a footpath. It was highly impressive. When I remarked this to him, he offered me a seat, try it out, lie down man, it is a nice bed. 

Just as I started to bend my knees, and take him up on his offer, I somehow managed to stop myself. I got the feeling if I sat or lay down with him on the bed, I might never get up. The next few years of my life would’ve been mapped out. Lugging that bed around with him, street to street, living the high life. That can wait until I’m retired, work to be done first.

I’ll finish off with the reason, that I think, maybe I should be given a medal. Earlier today, I went to my first rugby match, USA against Ireland. Being patriotic, however, should not be the reason for maybe getting a medal. Can’t beat a day in the sun. Swimming amongst all the factor 60. Or else a nice, dangerously rare – steak wise – looking shade of pink. No, the reason I may deserve a medal, is that I stayed until the end, ha. Sweet Lord. First and last has a nice ring to it really.

Two songs, for all the factor 60 and pink armed fans earlier today… 

Psychic City by Yacht

And, Wild Thing (Remix) by Tone-Loc and Peaches

p.s I think I now have a bit of sun stroke. Should’ve put on some of that factor 60. Clever rugby folk.

Cough, Spit & A Fondle

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Today, I realized a few things. Firstly, I have noticed that I have started to consciously swallow drinks. And, by that, I mean, I no longer just swallow water from a bottle or tea from a cup and get on with whatever I am doing. For some bizarre reason, I believe because I think that I have started to gulp loudly when I swallow, I make an effort to control the swallowing. Which, in turn, leads me to focus on swallowing after the third go, lets just say, and I inevitably gulp louder, get the liquid to go down the wrong tube, and I end up coughing, spluttering, and have to spit the water out. In case I choke. All makes perfect sense. To me. In my head. There is a reason for this nonsense.

Moving on, I have also realized, that the 16 block walk to the gym actually does bring up a few random stories. I had just been too anti-San Fran, probably missing L.A like the temptress that she is, to let myself observe the carry on. Unsurprisingly, for San Fran, there is a lot of homeless people on the gym route. Which provide a few interesting scenarios. Again, I was waiting at the lights to cross the road (a mighty place to observe life it seems) when I saw a couple at the other side of the road having a big fight. Screaming at each other. In Chinese. It was near impossible not to watch, or start to slow down walking wise to see what was going on. 

The Chinese woman was freaking out for some reason, although I am only presuming she was, not speaking too much Chinese myself. She did not seem happy, giving me a nice dirty look as I walked up, maybe she was trying to say hello though. Again, the lack of Chinese was a barrier for me. They had a place set-up in the doorway of a bank, with all their stuff there, two shopping trolleys next to the make-shift bed. The Chinese man was backing off, shouting back a bit, but it was plain to see that the woman was kicking him out, of their doorway. They were now taking up the entire path, so she started physically kicking out at him to clear off, threw a blanket at him, then gave one last tirade in Chinese, and the guy gave me. She had kicked him out, he was gone. Across the road he went, to the bank on the other side of the street, and sat in that doorway, with his blanket. Few more words shouted over and back, and it died down. Fight over.

We were all able to go on our way. The path was clear. There were a few of us after building up on the path, waiting for them to finish up, so we could keep walking on. On we went, me drinking back some Red Bull, listening to see if I was gulping loudly for every drink. Few coughs, few splutters, and the can was almost gone. One last drink, and, conveniently, there was a bin to my right. In fairness, I did kind of stop suddenly, but I just noticed the bin, to my immediate right, as I took the last gulp. Stopped suddenly, stuck the can into the bin, but as I did, the person who had been walking right behind me, walked straight into me.

The last big mouthful sprayed out. Not really actually, more it filled up my mouth, caused me to splutter, then half sprayed, half snorted, out my mouth and nose, as I tried in vain to save a bit of dignity and hold it in. Should’ve let the spray just gracefully happen. Must have been quite a charming sight, if anyone had seen it. The person who had bumped into me was annoyed with me, for stopping. I was too covered in Red Bull to remember if I should’ve been annoyed with anyone, probably myself, but it all ended then and there. Continued on to the gym. This was getting more eventful, this was more like it.

Into the gym, did my bit, drinking back the water, needed to refill my bottle up at the water fountain, which is in the downstairs part of the gym. This gym is far quieter than the one in L.A, so you can take your time with the machines. And the fountain. I had a bit left in my bottle, might as well finish it off before I fill her up, so took another big gulp. With my iPod earphones on, I started to think that might be the reason why I was hearing stuff louder in my head, the earphones being on! Which, obviously, made me concentrate far too much on the gulp. And I have already described what happens. Cough, splutter, down the wrong pipe, out comes the liquid. Over the water fountain. Didn’t really get the spout part, but still nobody wants to see someone dribble back over the water fountain. Thankfully, I don’t think the person behind me, waiting for me to finish up, saw any of it. Either way, I gave it a quick rinse. Left it germ and dribble free. 

Leaving the gym and walking home threw up one final piece to this tale. Two days ago, next to the gym, in the bright light of the evening, on a main street, I thought I saw a different homeless couple, getting cordial with each other. As in the full wack. Just with clothes on. Not fully sure, but I was 99% certain. Seeing as they were a foot away from me, in a doorway, while I knocked on the door of the gym, not realizing that it was closed early for a holiday here. I was pretty certain. Leaving the gym tonight, the same couple are sitting in the doorway, not on top of each other or positioned like they were last time. Just sitting side by side. With her hand somewhere. Blatant. Like a hammer.

All of this lead, kind of bizarrely, lead to a feeling of empathy for the homeless folk. For the following reason, which I could relate to, a bit. Kind of. Not that this has ever happened to me, obviously. However, do you remember when you lived at home, and a girl wanted to come around for, eh, a cup of tea? But you didn’t think the best place to bring the girl for a cup of tea, was to your place, for various reasons. You were left wondering, where should we go? Where could you go? Probably not their place, for the same reason. More than likely at the age where a cup of a tea in a hotel was too expensive, have you seen the prices, or you simply would not have thought of it. What were you to do? Have a tea party outdoors? Dodge. Fun once, perhaps, but after a while, probably get a cold. So, what are those without any home, meant to do? Not fair really. I know it is probably not top of their list of priorities, but still, amongst many other problems, that must annoy them.

I am not making fun of the homeless either, far from it. Just observations. I’ll wrap up by saying I got a bit of good news myself today. I now have a marketing company in L.A waiting for my sitcom pitch, to help me with my viral campaign. Plus, I have camera men and lighting crew waiting in the wings to help me out with making a scene or two. Wuu to the huu. Good to have the pressure on. Must get the script finished and get back there. Time is ticking! My Mastercard is running out! Oh Jesus. (That is meant to be a brutal dumb joke. But, now I think about it, it also makes sense. Take it in the dumb joke way. If you get it. Always fun feeling the need to explain a joke). The End.

Song of the day. This is a ridiculously good song, which hopefully will not be wrecked by drunken sing-alongs too soon. I am still scarred from hearing the people in the apartment below doing muffled karaoke for a few hours yesterday. They were horrendous. Mundy & Damien Rice were sang over and over, ruined a few good songs…

The Gardener by The Tallest Man On Earth

Shut Up & Do The Right Thing!

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Pulitzer prize winners, Larry David, and I suppose all those who have a clue about the art of writing, this may not be the post for you. Anyone with a clue. However, if, like me, you were fairly clueless until recently about writing, you might get a few tips from this blogaduu. Finally, finally, after months of knocking on my door, looking for a chance, this post is getting the nod. Big day. Most of this might all seem pretty obvious, but when one chooses to, 99% of the time, ignore the obvious, it can seem revolutionary, once spelt out for you.

Around this time last year, I began to think about writing a sitcom pilot for a college style idea which I had. Not actually write it, just think about writing one. Eventually I wrote the pilot by November last year, roughly. I like to mull things over, think them through. Looking back, I was completely clueless, as to how to approach the sitcom writing. Two feet, head first, jumped in, going in blind, swinging like a drunk man, throwing jokes and structure around with absolutely little to no meaning. This time around, I am as clueless in one sense, but at least have more structure and advice to nudge me in the right direction. Hollywood has provided one source of help at least for free if nothing else. One might say that it is serving its purpose well.

First time around trying my hand at a sitcom pilot, I thought my knowledge of viewing every episode of my favourite sitcoms would put me in good stead to make my own. Surely. To accompany this cast iron theory, I even read a screenwriting book, for the movies I would write and star in after the sitcom, just so I had all bases covered. Started off by making a loose episode outline for myself, while half drunk on a plane. Logically, the next step was to fill it up with scenes of differing lengths, most of which did not really seamlessly gel together as they should, and off I went with it, delighted. Pilot in hand, line up the bids. Looking back at it, I may have mostly been happy with my great name for the show. Surely that alone would get it made!

Surprisingly, I got a bit of good feedback for the pilot. Thumbs up, pat on the head, ruffle of the nicely combed hair, and a bit of stage progression, as in it was passed up a level in a department. However, that was more or less as far as it got with the television stations I submitted it into. Should’ve really thrown the towel in then, pr***s. Shattering my dreams. Might as well give it another go, plus, this time around, I had my blog to work with, the sitcom would write itself! All I had to do was pick three stories out, A, B and hopefully a C, link them somehow, and write them down. My pilot! Happy days! Should take a few days max.

So, for the past week, I have been formulating and developing the pilot episode over in my head. Start off by introducing the characters to the audience, work in their back story, build it up nicely, few jokes along the way, and good to go. I had the blog to back it up, momentum was building, they could reference the blog if needed. Dumb as a mule, so I was.

Somewhere along the way, I made a call to my helpful guide in L.A, to tell him all about the great progress which I was making. “Stop, you need to listen to me, here’s what you must do” I was told. Started off by informing me mainly of the what not to do’s. My week of work was immediately crossed out and had to start afresh. Thank freddie funk it was, seeing I was going down the wrong path completely. And then what I should try to do. Firstly, and this is key, it is not a pilot episode which I am really looking to write. I do not want to bore any reader with character introductions, background stories, build-up or any of that. I simply want to impress the reader enough with my writing, so that from that one episode, or first 10 pages, the reader will ask to see more, meet me, or at least be offended enough to take notice. I do not want to be just another quaint script in front of someone, that they will forget about within 15 minutes hour. Key one was to stand out, don’t hold back.

The following metaphor sunk in with me, so I will re-use it now. If my blog, full of stories, were to be the ingredients, and I was to bake a cake out of them (sitcom series) what I wanted to do was pass around the best slice of the cake to people, something that they will want more of. Not the first slice, or the last one, but the best one, so I should fill that up to the brim with the best I could deliver. No point in holding back, this was the one to get your foot in the door. Shove as much good stuff in. Just make it all work well. The best slice of the cake!

My original idea was kind of scrapped (first episode, the pilot of me arriving in L.A etc) and a whole new approach had to be taken. Being honest, initially my brain stopped churning for a while, annoyed that I had used it up and then discarded all the good work we did together. A few days I think I felt my brain was close to bursting, literally, and I was covered in frogs at the time. (Twitter reference about a dream, follow on!).

Instead, it is now time to push boundaries. It is far easier to tone down than it is to tone up, as the skinny girl said to the fat girl in the gym (don’t worry, that will not be used in the script, ha). Every scene needs to serve a purpose, what is the objective of the scene, does each scene have an element of high conflict (all straight out of a book, but good to be re-told at this time). This raised the bar even more – to be clever, make sense, push boundaries, obviously make people laugh, and all within the time schedule for a sitcom. Once again, like breaking L.A, it sounded almost too easy. 

Thankfully, I have a good few stories that did not make the blog cut. They will now be highly useful for the new approach. Or at least give me food for thought to go along a certain line or angle for the story. I also spent far too much time last week thinking up of a clever name. Absolutely pointless if the rest does not deliver. However, I think I now have both for the show, the name, and also, the outline of the episode that I am writing is coming together. As in today I was able to write out the gist of 17 scenes, all of which linked and were what I was looking for, wuu duu! (I wrote this a few days ago, a new approach again has been developed!).

All I need now is to fully develop it, along with dialogue, and I will be flying. Again, almost too easy. Sure. I have miles to go, but getting there slowly. It is all about the threads coming together in the end, A, B and C. Highly funking frustrating to do, but now that I think I have one cleverly worked out, highly satisfying!

So, up to this point, I had more or less written a few days back. Since then, the writing has been frustrating in the main, pretty good in the minor. However, at least now, I have figured a way out to stop my brain from exploding. My problem has been transferring the brilliant scenes and story line, from my head, to paper. Dumbly, I was more or less, going from the scene in my head, straight to what the characters were saying. For some reason, only today, did I start writing scene snippet outlines, which makes the whole thing far more do-able.

After studying individual episodes of different sitcoms for guidelines, I now have a few structures in place. You would be amazed at how short some scenes actually last in a few sitcoms, but which are vital and brilliant to the story line, all of which is tough to get down. One last thing, and I’ll finish on this, is the tough part of narrowing down what to leave in. Like this post, initially there was no structure. Rambling on, with snippets of humour. Every line of this sitcom has to be funny or necessary. Otherwise it is chopped. Which is tough to do. Cutting frivolous dialogue has been a big challenge of late. All about discipline!

Thats it. I was going to give one last point about how useful it is to always have a notebook with you for ideas or dialogue, but I have already said above that would be my last thing, so I won’t. 

Hopefully this songs will buck you back into life…

The Turning (Chew Fu Refix) by Oasis

And one from the latest Heineken ad… 

Just A Friend by Biz Markie