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An oasis. A quiet cove. An island. A little hideaway. Pointless analogies, flow on. Anyways, I recently discovered somewhere to chill. Alone. No-one else around. Not in the cave way. Out in the open. Lapping up the sun. Luckily, right in my abode. I have a pool. Lucky me. Apartment pool and all that. Usually these pools have people floating in, around, aboot and on them. At least a cluster of people. Thankfully, since I live in a chasm of silence (bar that one cat), my pool is a desert. Which is the complete berries. Chill. Sleep. Tan. Naked. Pardon. What. Do whatever you want. No disruptions. Happy days. Which is where I was on Saturday, reading the Alchemist. Until, the cove was breached. First time it’s happened. Bit of a balls. Figuratively. Literally. Making me pretend to be asleep. In an attempt to dodge a request. Allowing my mind to wander. And to think if I was to write my own fable…

Hello Bape

Once upon a time, there was a boy. Who was also a bit of an ape. Let’s call him, Bape. Bape was a fan of running. Run here, run there, Bape ran around everywhere. Ran and ran. Through school. Over college. Into the world. Along the way, Bape ate nuts. Gave him energy. Let him run and have fun. Sometimes he would have a big barrel of nuts. Overflowing. Passing them around. Other times, Bape’s nuts would be a bit tighter. Not able to eat so much. But he would still keep running. Like a good little Bape. Run and fun. Running on. Sometimes, people would give Bape big barrels of nuts, in exchange for fun chores. So Bape would work, but make sure that he kept on his fun run. Like a chicken. Who had no head. Who was actually a boy. Who was a bit of an ape. Running around. In his head. On the ground.

Lost Ape

Bape used to get lost every now and again. Stumble upon some bizarre little nook or cranny that he might fall into for a while. Run around lost. Have an adventure for himself. Eventually find his way. Run back home. However, Bape soon realised that he was no longer getting lost. Running the same track. Across the same fields. Through the same woods. Nooks and crannies were all known. No longer as exciting. Even if his barrel of nuts was growing bigger, the run was now not as much fun. More and more nuts. Just no longer lost. Same old same old. Run turned to jog. Jog turned to canter. Canter into a walk. Sometimes he would run again, but mostly just a quick sprint. At times he would not even run. Just stay at home. Watch TV.


One day Bape decided he needed to do more than just run. His barrel of nuts was full enough to let him run far away. Like a good little Bape, one day, he ran off. Not only running, Bape was now chasing. Running and chasing, big barrel of nuts in tow. Ended up in a bizarre land. Full of nuts, of all kinds. Everyone running around, like little nutters, chasing nuts, hunting nuts, going nuts. After Bape’s nuts. Offering him bizarre nuts. Bape ran around like a lost ape like never before. In here. Out there. Over that nook. Down that cranny. Over to that dodgy brook. Away from that granny. Running for dear life. Having the time of his life. Chasing something better than just nuts. Completely forgetting about his barrel.

Beaten Bape...

Then one day, Bape got a letter. And had to run home. Out of the blue, he was back where he started. Except now, Bape had no more nuts. Drained his big barrel. Simply a nut-less ape. And you know what they say: Every ape needs some nuts. Bape didn’t really no what to do now. Mulled. Yawned. Watched TV. Thankfully, after a quick kick to the nuts, Bape started to run once more. Found some nuts here. Worked for nuts there. Hunted nuts everywhere. Didn’t eat any nuts for a long time. Filled up his barrel, just enough. Until he could go back to running and chasing. Saved his nuts. Ran around. Finally ended up back in the land of nutters. Back chasing. Through muck. Amok. Happy as Larry. Not giving a flying… ahem.

One day, Bape was offered to go on an adventure. Down a well. And into a cave. In exchange, he would be given a few nuts. More importantly, it would help his chasing. Off Bape went. Down the well. Into the cave. Here, Bape had a magical adventure. Entered a different world. Left his barrel at the top of the well. Let loose. Ran free. Stumbled upon buckets of bananas. Flying everywhere. Almost taking out an eye. At one point Bape thought he would get lost in the cave forever. Forgot which way was out. Thankfully, a goat pointed Bape in the right direction. Eventually, finally, victoriously, Bape re-emerged from the cave! Climbed out of the well. Back in the real world. Well, the one full of nuts and nutters.

Well Boy

However, Bape felt a bit different this time around. Perhaps he was in the cave for too long. Ate too many bananas. Drank too much magic juice. Forgot how to run. Or which way he was meant to be chasing. Forgot all about his barrel of nuts. Now Bape was running down blind alleys. Detouring off in wrong directions. Not sure which way he was meant to be going. Decided maybe he should take a breather. Back to the well, hiding, peering out. Now and again he would dip a toe back out. Go for a jog. Along the way, stop for a glass of juice here or there. Hit another alley wall. Run back to the well. Enticed out with offers to go on fun runs. Fun apes. Hot apes. Aping aboot. However, Bape was finding that chasing was getting tougher. Draining dry. Slowing to a jog. Turning into a slog. Not going full speed like he had been. Knees getting stiff. Potholes and fences every second step. Bape was running to nowhere.

Grab Those Nuts

Like all apes, Bape needed nuts to keep him going. Once again, he realised that his nuts were running low. Which made Bape even more wary of where he ran. Unsure of where to venture. So Bape held back. Sat down for a while. Wondered what to do. Or what he was doing wrong. Waited. Nuts were on the way. Nutters had told him a delivery was coming. Waited. Sat. Watched others. Still had some fun. Just not as much run. Realised this was not the best thing to do. Even worse, Bape ate a poisoned banana. Infected his apehead. Lost his torch. Fell down the well. Where there were no nuts. Just the darkness. And more bananas. Thankfully, one day, an apple came out of nowhere and smacked Bape in the head. Suspects the goat threw it. Either way, it woke him up. Made him find his torch. Still had a few batteries in it. Sparked back up. And Bape was back running! Chase was on. But first, he had to take care of his nuts…

Lather Me Up

And that was as far as I got. Seeing as I was interrupted again by the island intruder. A large dude. Kind of looked like Rosie O’ Donnell. Wearing only a thong. Asking me if I could lather sun lotion on his back. All over. Unfortunately, the invite/offer/request had to be declined for the second time. Giddied up. And ran away. Off on my nut hunt.

Sweet Lord, that was a bowl of gibber. A fable in progress. And on that note, song on…

Only You Can Make You Happy (Punches Remix) – Au Revoir Simone

One thought on “Bape

  1. Tell the Bape that Rosie probably would have paid some great nuts for that slathering! This was a good one. Keep it coming.

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