Haaaay Maker…


Days. Some people are not fans of certain ones. Monday gets a bad doing. Harsh enough. Basically you’ve cut that day loose. You and that day are now kind of goosed. Never going to get on. I’m actually a fan of Mondays. Recent ones anyways. Some spent on yachts. Others spent on jets. How bad. Thank you. Giddy up. Will do. So usually I am a fan. However, this week’s Monday, as in good old yesterday, maybe not so much. Maybe this week’s Monday woke up,  put on its wife beater vest, had a smoke, drank a case of Stella Artois and then tried to beat me down with as many dumb drunk punches as it possibly could. Oh Monday…

Chugg You Mug

Woke up. Bounced out. Bounced off, the wall. Come on the Monday! Big week. Buckets to do! Let’s go duu! First. Breakfast. Porridge. Protein. Mix together. Chocolate porridge – that some people gag at the sight of – How are you?! Into the microwave. Wait. Just wait. That milk looks good. Cold as funk. Big glass of milk, take a gul…Ding. Hold that thought. Porridge ready. Mix it up with a bit of milk. Good to go. Back to the cold milk first. Chug chug chug. So cold. Can’t really taste it. Keep chugging on. Chug chug oh sweet Jesus what the… Curdling. Sourness. Funk me pinkness. Balls. You ape, milk! Gone off? How could you?! I just bought you on Saturday! Cheap whure. Delightful. Only one outcome of chugging sour horrendous milk. Wonderful. Chocolate porridge… Dumped in the bin. Well. Obviously. After one spoon of ‘Let’s just see if it’s maybe o… Oh Jesus’.

Just Say No

So. Breakfast. Didn’t happen. That’s disappointing. Funk it. Eat later. Move on. Monday has just begun! Keep ploughing on. What’s on the to-do list? Let’s make it to-done. Alright, that one will just be a quick phone call to sort out… Where’s my… Phone. No tone. Phone? No tone?! AT&T. Twice in a few days. Some joke. For no reason. Cutting me loose. And yet they will still bill me twice. Good policy. Charge double. Zero service. Win win. Tut. Phone 611. Automated service. Who kindly put me on a lead. And then nicely ran me around their automated block…

If this is the right choice, says yes’ ... Yes. ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite understand you, did you say yes?’ Yes. ‘Sorry, I didn’t quite understand you, did you say yes? If so, say yes’… Yes. I am saying yes! Y.E.S. Yes. YES. YESSS!!!! ‘Sorry, I didn’t qui… ‘ I am funking saying yes you… Arrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!! And so on. And so forth. For a good 40 minutes. Berate the automated lady. Mentally abused by the automated lady. Try to abuse her back. Fail. Miserably. Punch a few buttons. Get lost. Lose. Miserably. Eventually. Find my way out of the maze. (How?) An actual real person. Who really doesn’t understand me. Or claims not to be the person that can fix it. Bit of ‘Let me just re-direct you to this department. Actually that… No, maybe it’s the other one’. Fun. Finally at least, issue sorted. Wuu. Winner!!!

Syllable Hell

All in all, a pleasant hour. On the up, my phone was sorted. Although now I don’t want to touch my phone for another day. What’s next on the to-do list… Oh mighty. Voice lesson. By phone. Wuu! Not to worry. Only a 5 minute lesson, remember. 45 minutes later of me saying… Money’s worth. Money’s worTH. Money’s WOrth. MONEY’S WORTH!!!! MONEY’S WORTH WHAT?!! WHAT?!!! WHAT IS IT WORTH?!!! ‘Good. You got it. Continue… ‘ Phew. Alright. Anyways. Where was I… ‘Anyway. Not anyways. And here’s why…’ Noooaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!! Don’t get me wrong. Mighty lessons. Definitely getting my money’s worth. Just really ridiculously brain meltingly frustrating at certain points. Especially as my brain likes to put up a fight at times… Don’t listen to him, man, I understand you perfectly well. That’s all you need. Don’t listen to the teacher. He’s wrong. You’re right. Don’t give in! Fight the system… Shh. Punch. Side of my head. Hushed. Muh-ne-ee-ss wuh-orr-thh all the way! Although an hour later my brain was trying to explode out of its ape prison walls.

Please Stop Writing

Basically. Monday was winning. Tried to have some lunch. Roommate came home around this time. Asked me was I on crack. Or cracked out. Seemed to be tweaking out. No no, just phone fun. Maybe it is time to try crack though, might calm me down, good call. Anything but phone fun. In my first 7 hours of being awake, 3 hours 36 minutes were actually spent talking or being ridiculed or something happening on the phone. Days are ok. Phones are my issue. Well, one of a bucket of issues. I could keep going. But I wont… Tried to collect my broken chain from the jewelry repair shop down the road. Fifth time trying to collect. Fifth time the shop has been closed. Shut. ‘WE ARE CLOSED’ sign dangling on the door. Now beginning to think this means they are shut forever. So I assume they’re just going to keep my chain forever? Which is nice of them, if so. Although my last gibber did say… Happy always trumps stuff. So no harm done (Give me back my chain ye whures!!!) And I know… Should’ve called ahead. But that would’ve involved once again using my phone. So Bob Hope that was happening.

As I said, I won’t keep going. Thankfully Monday wasn’t all bad. I did somehow stumble across this…

Ha. Mighty all round! Back dancing after seeing that. No reason/too many reasons why. Could that be a good point to take out of yesterday? Am I scraping that low into this empty barrel? Am I? Really? Yes. Yes I am. What else can I scrape out of yesterday’s barrel… Speaking of declarations, at the gym last night, car parked in front of me, licence plate read… ‘IMA STR8’. Saw the guy who was driving. Jock looking guy. Ladies man, no doubt. Straight as Christmas, no doubt. Licence plate backed him up. Which was one more plus? Seeing as at least I’m not that guy? Scraping! Pre-tty horrendous, I know. Brutal, in fact. But funk it. Just one day. And one major plus. Today is Tuesday. Wuu! That Monday is now done. Forever. Back pumped! Every man needs a plan! Sun is shining. Gay horses are hungry. Now time for me to make some funking hay! Farmer time… Plough on!!!

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Runaway (Feat. Pusha T) – Kanye West

6 thoughts on “Haaaay Maker…

  1. Hey Farmer Mark, I hope you have some real high shit kickin boots because it gets deep over there! And dont forget to milk the cows…

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