Where Does A Gay Horse Live?

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When I decided to move to LA, I wanted to live right in the heart of everything, be at the core of LA, right in the hub, the epicenter, walk out my door and everything is just there…you get the idea. What I had no idea about was the fact that there is no centre to LA. Everything is a complete sprawl. Its the strangest city ever in so far that there are millions and millions living here and yet nowhere is ever, ever busy. The bare minimum of people are on the streets, I have yet to see one footpath crowded. When you ask people where downtown is they just point south and say down there somewhere, mumbling into the distance. Its weird, the public transportation is horrific beyond belief, you’d be better off getting a bus to a cottage in the furthest corner of West Kerry than you would have a hope of getting to somewhere specific in LA.

I started to look up apartments and rooms to rent on Craigslist. I texted a few people I knew living in LA asking where was good to live. The majority of replies (majority being 4, ha) gave me about 7 different areas which was no help whatsoever. Its like me telling them live in Munster, Ulster or Leinster if they wanted to move to Ireland. I texted the fifth person after I had found two places which looked promising. One was an apartment in West Hollywood, close to everything, bars, clubs, shops, gym, cinema etc. The other was an apartment in North Hollywood, looked nicer and had a pool included but wasn’t within walking distance or as close to all of the above. I thought, living in a big city, I want to be within walking distance of everything. No use living in the suburbs. The girl texted me back with a reply along the lines of “Oh, definitely West Hollywood for you, you’d love it there”. So, took the advice, moved into West Hollywood.

The place where I am living is class. Spanish style townhouse, two story, enclosed gated place, courtyard outside, right between Santa Monica Blvd and Sunset Blvd, the best area if you say it to people like this. The rent is steep as steep can be but I thought it’d be worth it to live in the best area etc. Plus I would be living with a model, always tough, ha.

What I did not get, and hardly ever do, was the supposedly very evident use of sarcasm that the minority text had sent me. The reason that this area is so safe, so friendly, so nice and so that, is because it is so, so, SO gay. I kind of wondered why there were so many rainbow flags when I used to walk about. I kind of wondered why guys who were out walking their little dogs were always looking at me dead in the eye with a pleasant smile. I kind of wondered why it was that so many guys were holding hands when I went to the shop. I kind of  know why now. 

On the plus side, there are ridiculously hot women living in the area too. Unfortunately they do not seem to be out walking around as much. Unfortunately they are not the ones always talking to me. Unfortunately.

Back to this being a great area close to everything. Close to everything means there are plenty of gyms nearby. Plenty of shops around too to buy food. Cinema is close. Bars and clubs are close. Everything is close. If you have a car. If you don’t, then you’re fucked. I have been walking along a few times, listening to my iPod when all of a sudden I’ve noticed that I stopped for some reason. My feet have given up on me a few times after literally walking for hours. Oh, there’s an Irish bar down the street, try there for a job. One hour walk there, about an hour and a half walk back, and no job later, plus in the roasting heat, I started to think I shouldn’t have sold the car I bought up in San Francisco. There has been days when my roommates were busy so I said I’d go food shopping on my own and walk back. Worst call ever. A 45 minute walk with four full bags of shopping, my pants falling down thanks to dodgy belt, and the sun blaring down on my milk, is not fun. Although after the 3rd or 4th time you get used to it.

I can hear you say, why not get cabs you funking ape? I spent over $100 one night getting a cab to a bar, then a cab to a club, then a cab home. That really does make the night even better. I have also gotten stung sharing a $70 cab with someone to be told “Oh I only have my credit card, Ill get you back. Ill get the $9 slab of beer shur, Ill pay you back next time.” Nice one, you prick, ha! I decided after those two incidents I would only get a taxi when absolutely necessary from there on in.

All in all though, I can’t complain about where I live. Housemates are cool, savage area, its a good place so far as well to name drip drop. While buying a George Foreman one day early in my trip in a shop relatively close to my house, I had the last George Foreman taken out of my hands and given to Isla Fisher by the dope of a shop assistant. Cheers boss. Outside my front door this week I was on the phone when I noticed a lady walking her dog across the road with the nicest, best looking set of fake…teeth I have ever seen. The actor David Spade was coming out of my building and sat next to me on the step admiring her teeth as well. I played it cool, told him I hadn’t noticed them, too busy looking at the dog, ha. I was in a restaurant at the top of my street and Rihanna was chilling at the table next to me. She poured her heart about Chris Brown to me, the bastard. Paying all this money for rent I cant afford is made worthwhile for these encounters. Well worth it. Surely they think we’re friends now too? Although, thinking about it, the two girls probably think I’m gay if I’m in this area and the actor dude was probably cracking onto me. The job!

Listen to all this album, it is funking rocking, a bucket load of songs mixed together…Feed The Animals by Girl Talk. In Step is class but so are all of them!

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