Forgive Me Father!


The game of bridge carried on until the wee hours last night so I never got to finish off my story from the first night. As I was saying, I was having breakfast the first day, noticing all the old folks that were in the hotel too, when I noticed a hot chick amongst the sea of grey hair. And I noticed that she noticed me too. So I noticed her back. And also noticed her boyfriend staring me out of it, how’s it going, nice tacos for breakfast, huh. So I let it go, although I did think they didn’t really seem to act like a couple, kind of looked like they might actually be related. He was a beast though, so I held back with all my noticing.

It was the same that day by the pool. Myself, Andy and Colin were sitting only a few seats away from them. They weren’t really talking to each other, she looked bored, he looked boring, I was starting to think they were just brother and sister, here on holiday together, thats it. Plus she was hot as funk, dark, Mediterranean looking, nay too shabby in a bikini, the more watery vodka I had the more I started to think they definitely weren’t going out with each other.

That night the hotel had some club lined up for cheap if you wanted to go along, all you can drink place. Andy was feeling sick, Colin had sun stroke, so I decided I’d go along on my own, cant waste my nights in the hotel room. We get to the club, which I had great hopes for, seeing as it was called Zoo, but sweet lord, it was horrendous. Im pretty sure Cher was playing as I walked in the door. The club was like FX in Cork, but Mexican style. There was a cage in the middle of the dance floor too, Surfers style. MTV would not be showing up here tonight for a Spring Break Special.

I’m mingling with the hotel heads at the bar, checking to see if Sue and Jim came or stayed behind playing cards, oh great my German buddies are here too, when this Canadian guy comes up to me fairly twisted. He’s got his bandana nicely tied up, his pink Speedo sunglasses on top of his head, and he’s freddie funked drunk. “Are you Irish, eh?” – I am boss – “I was just talking to another English person over there, we should all do shots, eh” – Are you Canadian? I was just talking to another American person over there, shots sound good though… off we go to the shots bar. The little Canuck starts to pound back the tequila, it was impressive enough. After a few, I’m looking for a breather and wander off for a stroll. 

With the tequilas giving me a merry spring in my step, I see that the hot chick is here, and, let me check, no sign of her brother, wuu duu. I head over to order a drink next to her at the other bar. Small talk on “Yeah, I love this Cher song too, its great they play it so much”. It turns out she’s from Hollywood, and she was not a fan of the club either, we were bonding already “God, I miss Hollywood, don’t you miss it, I miss the sign a lot, this club is crap, yeah they’re waaay better in Hollywood.” So, its going well, ha, when I remember the brother/boyfriend scenario. I casually ask her if her boyfriend is not out tonight. “John? Thats not my boyfriend, he’s back in the hotel though, he’s sick.” Poor John must’ve picked up the same bug as Andy. I knew he was her brother! The Canadian swans over with a round of shots, perfect time to celebrate, the club is picking up!

The night progresses, the Canadian is feeding me shots, and I end up in the cage doing my “Anyone see Timmy the rabbit?” dance. It’s a hard dance to resist really, she wasn’t to blame, it was the lure of the moves. So the two of us get a cab back to the hotel, anyone up for some watery vodka, sprung broke isn’t so bad after all! Alas, it was not to be. She asks me the time. 4.30. What month is it? March, I think. Time? Month? Oh, right, you were telling me something, not asking me. Oh right. Thats great. Balls. She gives me her number, tells me she’s checking out in the morning, give her a call when I’m back up in Hollywood. I surely will, good night to you.

Not a bad night, feeling dodge after all the tequila, pity that chick was leaving today but at least there is Hollywood. I force myself up for breakfast before the 11.30 cut off time. I am goosed, hungover, sun is blinding, head down, sunglasses on, I’ll get some breakfast and then back to sleep. I’m making some coffee for myself at the buffet, when I notice Hollywood girl and her brother walking along by the pool, the bellboy behind them with their bags, they must only be checking out now. Kind of weird that I see they’re holding hands, maybe he’s just making sure she doesn’t fall into the pool. And now they’re kind of walking with their hands around each other waists. Interesting. So this morning, they do not look like brother and sister. They seem like a couple. But she said he wasn’t her boyfriend. Oh Jesus.

I have moved onto making toast at this stage, noticing all this, putting two and two together, finally, and getting a bit freaked. She doesn’t come into the restaurant, goes on with the bellboy. Oh great, in he comes, heads to the buffet, straight in my direction. Did I mention he’s a beast? Oh Jesus. Is Jim around, I might need back-up. So, I’m at the toaster, and he’s now getting coffee next to me. I glance at his left hand quickly just to make sure, and yes, of course he is, he’s wearing a wedding ring. Oh Jesus. He hasn’t swung for me, yet, so I’m presuming he doesn’t know about his WIFE being unable to resist my dance moves the night before. Oh Jesus. At this stage I want to scream at the toaster to hurry the funk up and TOAST THE STALE BREAD FASTER!!!!! But I stay cool, he leaves before the toaster pops, brings two coffees out to the reception. One for him, one for the missus. She takes the coffee, kisses him on the lips, maybe they’re just an affectionate brother and sister? Thank Joseph they’re checking out there and then, could’ve been awkward and detrimental to my health if they hung around much longer.

As hot and all as she was, it looks like I shall have to break my promise and won’t be calling her when I get back to Hollywood. Probably not. I might text just to make sure she got home okay, ha. I just hope it wasn’t their honeymoon. I’ll never be ordained at this rate. Forgive me Father!!!

Song of the day is this mighty song with an apt song title for me…I Need A Life by Born Ruffians

Here’s a cool remix of the same song too, sounds way different… I Need A Life (Four Tet Remix) by Born Ruffians…