Tag Archives: LA

Run Money, Run Visa, Run!!!

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For the past few months, my money and visa have been enjoying a lengthy marathon race with each other, seeing who would win and run out first. For a while, the visa was miles ahead, racing into an unhealthy lead. Wanting to get them back on level pegging for the sake of a fair race, a quick injection of a Spring break trip to Meeheeko evened things up. This time around, however, my money has kicked up a gear and gone into Usain Bolt mode. This is due to the bloated, cramped, irritable condition I find myself in at this time of the month – rent paying time. I am not sure how the money can be caught at this stage, it is looking like it has potentially left my visa behind, the sprint is on! Worst of all is knowing that no matter what, my visa will not give up and is destined to finish the race at some stage too. It is a win-win situation. Well, for the money and the visa, not for me.

Enough of the running analogies and horrendous metaphors, I have ran out of patience with them myself, ha. This weekend I had set myself the realistic goal of making all my rent money, in order to keep the dream alive. This would be achieved by working my two jobs, one of which doesn’t pay me money, and left me getting in a fight with a washing machine as a result. The second job, as a master salesman, had earned me the tidy little sum of $25 in a total of 3 days work the weekend before. This weekend, however, it would be different. I was going to whoop that homeless guy in the wage per hour scale this time around.

Lo and behold, I made some money. Over 4 times what I made the whole weekend before, but alas still 8 times less than I need for rent, re de de. Still though, I was pumped with the fact of making some money, have to celebrate the smallest of victories these days. I might celebrate by splashing out on the shiny silver jacket I saw the other day, which is the dodgiest thing I have seen in a long time and could only be worn here in L.A, even though it is too warm for a jacket here. Kind of looks like this. Kind of…

 

Silver Jacket

 

Not sure why but I am drawn to it and don’t think I will get it out of my system until I buy it, bring it home, rip off the tags, try it on, and finally see that is horrendous but too late to return. Kind of like that girl who you can’t decide if she is funky looking in a hot way, or in an off way, and then, after it’s too late, realize it is an off way but the tags areripped off  already, so to speak. Not that I have ever done that, obviously.

I will also ignore the fact that I left my house for work at 5.30 in the morning (some laugh after 2 hours sleep) and didn’t get home until 10 that night. So, overall, the homeless guy is still on better money an hour than me. And he doesn’t have to do a 6 hour round trip journey for his job either. He is lucky enough to work, relax and sleep all in the exact same spot. Lucky him.

Unfortunately there were no Nazis to sell to this week, just some guy who tried to sell me a gun, repeatedly, because I was Irish and he knew all about the I.R.A. Ok. I wasn’t going to argue with him, me being the one without a gun and all. Eventually he left, confused by my efforts at making a joke out of it “I have my own nun at home already, you know what us priests are like”. Horrendous I know, but at least he left me alone after it. Another highlight was haggling, for what seemed an eternity, with a group of 6 Indian ladies over a sale. Well, roughly 25 minutes, with them seemingly not possessing English, and me with a non-existent grasp on the Indian language. Even though I lost out on maybe 2 other sales while haggling with them, in the end we came to an agreement. Which turned out to be exactly what I was offering all along, good waste of 24 minutes. Well worth the $6 commission though, well worth it.

After my tough day of work yesterday, today was a day to do bob all. Turned out to be a well spent day after all though. Watched Seven Ages of Rock on VH1 Classic, 5 out of 7 anyways so far. It is savage, if you like music, and want to become highly educated in the evolution of rock and good music, watch it! It will give you new appreciation for bands or artists you know of and might recognize a song of theirs, but you might not be too sure of why they are so well known. If you have 7 hours to spare, 7 Ages on!!! Youtube all the way!

Song of the day… Daniel by Bat For Lashes

A Toothbrush Away From A Great, Great Day!

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Finally, a day to write home about. Today has been a turn-up for the books – productive, full to the brim, and almost nothing weird or stupid happened. Almost. 

In L.A, it is all about the meetings. Meetings and projects. Everyone is having meetings, working on projects, or having meetings about projects. I too have meetings and projects everyday, but my projects seem to involve meetings that do not benefit me in the slightest. Not today though, the tables were turned.

I was up at the crack of dawn, about half 9, for a meeting I had this morning. Jumped out of bed, forgetting about my leg, and thought it was about to snap like a twig when I put weight on it. Down like a sack of potatoes I go, wasting valuable time. Not wanting to be late (again), I started to multi task to try and make up on lost time. This went well. While brushing my teeth, and listening to some spam voicemail on my phone, I decided to go to the bathroom at the same time, how hard could it be. Hard enough standing up with a brittle leg and dodgy knee. Phone on my shoulder and pressing my ear down on it to hold it safe, toothbrush in my mouth , and hips maneuvering around, things started off well.

Lasted about half a minute. My bathroom window is located across and a bit below somebody’s sitting room in the building next door. When I looked out the window casually, I saw a girl on the phone looking out her window. Our eyes met, I got a bit of a shock, the sudden movement sent a shudder through my knee, which caused me to buckle a bit, phone falls off my shoulder, I reach out to grab it, at the same time the toothbrush drops out of my mouth, I forget to reach for this, catch the phone, my toilet catches my toothbrush. The girl can see all this, I have no curtain in my bathroom, good work out of me. Flush the toilet, fish the toothbrush out, will I rinse it, ha, no, better dump it. Actually, on my budget a toothbrush is a luxury item, will I rinse it… no, I think she’s still looking, better dump it to keep up with the Joneses and all!

No time to waste mourning the loss of a dear friend, I scuttle off to my meeting. The meeting is with a writer/mentor guy I have met before who gave me great advice. Which I did not heed as much as I should have. I am given one last chance, make the meeting on the button for 11, good sign. I have my assignments ready, some are okay, I get grilled on other sections, it is brilliant though, exactly what I need to hear. I am then given an outline and map of what I need to do. I now have a list of 19 bullet points of things I need to do to get where I want to be. Some are big, others are small, but if I cover all bases, do what is required and what I know now is exactly needed to do, I think I can get to where I want to be. Which is a savage thing to have laid out in front of you. These bullets points range from stop being a procrastinating ape, to neutralizing my accent at times to make sure my point is not lost in translation. Every aspect was covered in the two hours. It was savage to hear it all. After the meeting I was funking pumped.

When I get back to my house, things got even better. I am offered a job from Thursday until Sunday. This day is going superbly well and its not even 2 o’clock. The job actually pays money too, depending on how many items I sell. And what is it that I shall be selling…? Shamwows! For anyone who doesn’t know what they are, enjoy this video.

Should be funny enough, I must study the guy’s facial expression and enthusiasm to make sure I sell enough of them to make some bobs. Shamwow on!!!

I was on a roll, surely I should just cut my losses and go to bed at 4 in the afternoon to make sure I didn’t ruin the day. However, about an hour later I find out that one of the acting classes I went to audit before I was in Mexico, are offering me to audit a few more classes if I like. Once again, for free, so I surely will (the classes cost almost $100 per class if you break it down so getting them for free is highly recommended). It is in the Lee Strasberg acting school, the scene of all the crying and nutters that actually turned out to be good in the end (if you don’t remember, read the madness here).

The class I am auditing is for TV and Film Acting. Sounds perfect. Except for the fact that, once again, the acting studio has no air conditioning, it is like a sauna. However, besides that, it is far and away the best class I have been to, it is brilliant! The teacher is young compared to all the other teachers so far (late 20’s), and he is definitely the best. No crap or bulls**t like all the others, his advice is spot on, and the direction he gives after seeing a scene once is savage, improves all the actors who are involved. Plus he gave interesting side stories, not boasting like some of others (for example, Heath Ledger used Clockwork Orange as his inspiration for the Joker, used to be playing all the time in his trailer during filming).

A downside was sitting next to a gimp, who kept eating popcorn and slurping a drink, claiming to not understand me when I asked him to stop, I am still working on the neutralizing part of my accent. And he kept, kept, kept panting and saying “Hmmmm” for no apparent reason, to himself. He was the spitting image of this dude from the Big Lebowski.

A German guy livened things up a good bit too. He had a scene prepared, which he actually did well, bar the fact he couldn’t make himself cry for the big finale. After the final effort he had at doing it – Cuuuut, next week maybe Jurgen – he freaked at himself that he couldn’t cry, and ended up freaking so much that his eyes watered up and he left the room whimpering, two minutes too late though. It was nuts but a good laugh to watch. Especially when he got some criticism and advice mixed up, lost in translation. The teacher told him… “You should treat your acting like the act of foreplay, don’t rush the key part and get it over with too quickly, build up to the crying part”. To which he got very offended by, and shouted out that he loves to eat the…, just ask his wife. Ha. The awkward silence that followed was worth going to the class alone, although myself and Jesus next to me couldn’t stop laughing. I have a bucket load of savage notes as well from the rest of the class, 4 hours long and only the last guy wasn’t the May West and a bit boring.

While reading over the notes I had taken on the hobble home, I missed a dip in the path, put all my weight on the bad knee, and faltered like James Brown. It was at this time, while kind of holding my knee and trying to recuperate, on the side of the street in the gay neighborhood that I live in, that two gay dudes in an Escalade pull up next to me, surely to see if I was alright. Window rolls down, a fat gay dude pops his fat gay head out “Hey baby, are you working?” Huh, yeah, how did you know? I got a job selling Shamwows toda… hang on a minute, what the funk do you mean?!!! “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, we thought you were, drive…” and the two apes drive off in a hurry. It’s only when they have taken off in a hurry that it dawns on me what had happened, the dopes. Although, although, it was haunted that I got the good news of the Shamwows job earlier that day, things were looking bleak! Ha. Hang on buddy, I never gave you the price list!!!

All in all, a productive day I must say, I need my sleep after it. Must just brush my teeth first. As I said, I am not yet living the lap of luxury to afford such things as new toothbrushes, so looks like it will have to be the toothpaste on the finger trick for a while. Song of the day… The Plot by White Rabbits

Who Needs Money Anyways? Actually, I Do.

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Slowly, but surely, I can feel the straw breaking. I am kind of getting weary of my stories being funny but ending in a dumb way. There is only so much one can take. How hard is it to do fairly straight forward daily tasks, such as find a job, buy a car, write a sitcom, win an Oscar, OR FIND A FUNKING JOB THAT ACTUALLY PAYS MONEY!!! If you are a chump like me, it seems, fairly funking impossible. 

From now on, I think I shall set up a blog for my roommate and document her daily life instead of my repetitively annoying one. Hers is far better. Today, for example, we kind of had similar days – we chilled, had some lunch, went shopping, and both of us found out we had a job tomorrow. However, there were a few minor differences. Just slightly.

Back to the start. Today I was going up to big gay Jim in the gym to find out if I had the DJ’ing job or not, yes or no, tell me once and for all, at least then the limbo would be over for yet another job. Up to the gym, big gay Jim is on the front desk, shrieks, gasps for air and covers his mouth with his hand when he sees me. “Oh my Gaaawd Omar, I am so, so, sooo sorry, I was meant to call you on Wednesday!” Too right you were, I have been having sleepless nights over the lack of calls, I knew you didn’t use me for that one demo! He was meant to have informed me on Wednesday that the operations manager gave the all clear, I was good to go, play my great music from 12-3 in the afternoons. I actually gave him a wuu huu and high five, go on the big gay Jim, no I don’t want a hug, you’ve gone too far again, era shur, why not, you got me a job, lets hug this b**ch out Jim!!!

Walking on air (not only did I become a struggling paid writer this week, I was now a struggling DJ!), Jim takes me to meet the staff, how’s it going lads, top of the morning girls, blah diddy blah. I am then shown the equipment and their set-up, spoof on, you can plug your mixer in here, your sound card goes there, your bits go here, and your things slots in here. Too far Jim, too far. Eh, do you have a cable that will connect my laptop to your big load of gadgets? No. Ok, I’ll go buy that now so.

Just before I leave, I ask Jim the schedule. Well, 12-3, how many days a week do you want to come in? How many??!!! I’ll do every day this week, I have a free schedule I told you. “Oh great Merrick, everyday would be wonderful, when do you want to start?” When? Tomorrow!! This is brilliant, I can pick and choose my days, I will see you then. Oh yeah, ha, almost forgot, what is the story with getting paid? “Paid? As in money? Oh we don’t pay our DJs, its good publicity for you, and free membership.” What. The. Funk. Are you joking me? Are you actually being serious with me? Publicity for what? Have you ever heard of subsistent living Jim? Do you know what the bread line is all about??!!! I don’t think I am getting you right here, no pay?? I started to get a bit dizzy and light headed at this stage when my brain can’t process this happening once again. “So, Eric, tomorrow at 12?” Ugghhh, pardon, where am I, what’s going on? Tomorrow at 12? Ehh, yup, I will see you then.

I walk out of the gym dazed and confused. What is going on, have I got the whole concept of working wrong in L.A? Does society have different rules here where only the rich get paid for very little work and those struggling to make ends meet are expected to work for free? I stumble into Starbucks across the way, needing a coffee to gilt me out of this bizarre mind boggling state. As I am ripping opening Splendas (ha) and pouring them into my coffee, then dumping the empty packs in the bin, I notice a girl laughing next to me. Obviously, at me. I had just ripped open a Splenda, poured it into the bin part, and put the empty pack in my coffee. 3 times. Funking ape. At least I got a new coffee. And the girl joined me while I was having my coffee. And she was impressed that I was a DJ who weirdly played in a gym (I left out the doing it for free part). And I got her number. At least I can do that right. Or so I thought.

My roommate picked me up from Starbucks so we could go shopping. She had to buy a pair of boots, I had to buy that lead I needed to hook my laptop up to their sound system (Not only was I not getting paid money to play, seeing as I needed a lead, it would cost me money to work there, chumpy mac). So I get into my roommate’s tank of a car, and she asks if I got the job. I did, but… she gives me a wuu huu, and tells me “I got a job too”. Wuu huu for you so as well, I actually start mine tomorrow, but the thing about the job I got is that I won’t… “No way, my job is tomorrow too, only a one day shoot, but still, we are both working tomorrow, thats great!” Yeah, but, the thing with my job is, eh, what’s your job first actually “I have a photo shoot for a magazine with Ryan Gosling, it should be fun!” That should be fun, almost as much fun as my job. Are you getting paid for yours? “Yeah, of course, so what were you saying about your job, the only thing was…?” The only thing was… the only thing was… what was I saying again, oh yeah, only thing was that I don’t get paid for my job. “What? Really? Another non-paying job? Why?” Not sure really, I actually have no idea what’s wrong with me. “Oh, eh, still though, at least it’s a job” Yeah, its the job being a chumpy mac.

Back to me thinking I could at least get a girl’s number, I hadn’t turned into a complete dumb ape yet. Oh, how I was wrong. Sent the girl a text, you should come by the gym tomorrow, check out the great European music I’ll be playing. Bring your dancing shoes, I’ll teach you an Irish jig, giddy up them steps. That kind of smooth crap. Just got a reply saying she would love to, what time. Not too bad, until I read past the first line… My boyfriend is from Europe too, he has been dying to hear some good music since he’s been here, he wants to come along with his friends, if thats cool?!!! Ahhh, of course it is, of course you have a boyfriend, of course, tell him bring all his friends. What time did you say? I am on the decks from 5 onwards, I got it wrong earlier, it’s not 12 to 3 like I said, actually on at 5, see you then!

I had better get some sleep. Must get up early, seeing as I’m on at 12 and all, ha. Here’s the song I shall be playing to myself all night to get me in the right frame of mood for tomorrow… Great DJ by The Tings Tings

Poker With Slash? Jazz With Prince? I’ll Pass

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My first few days back in L.A have been rocky to say the least. I was getting body blows from all angles. Firstly, I had to pay rent, blow to the stomach. Secondly, I now had to pay for the gym, that bastard, blow to the kidneys. All of this and still no job on the horizon. I was then told by someone in the know to check out if I could even act or audition here while not having a long term visa, cheap blow to the mid-section.

Finally, I was hit with some really hard news to take. While I was gone, I missed out on a big game of poker in Robbie Williams’ house, which was fine, until I was told Slash was playing! Slash, how many times would I get a chance to play poker with a Guns & Roses dude?! Upper cut to the chin, I was reeling and only back a day or two!!! I’ll ignore the fact that they were probably not all playing for the usual $10 a man pot I play, so not sure if my budget would’ve allowed me to take up the offer anyways. I’ll ignore that though.

I decided I would sleep the body blows off, it’ll all be rosy in the morning. However, it was then that I realized I need new sheets and pillows, the ones I had been using were no longer there. Using my great improvisation skills, I used a slightly wet hand towel as my pillow the first night, and my very damp bath towel as my sheet, almost covering me down to my waist, I was sorted! Although sheets and pillows were luxury items on my new budget, after that great sleep, I felt they would be a good investment. It was only when I got to the shop, saw the prices, and checked my budget, that the FEAR showed up and started to win the fight. I could afford one pillow, and a sheet. Maybe I’ll try to rob a homeless guy’s blanket on the way home.

Second night back in L.A, depleted of money (I bought food as well – a loaf of bread, 2 eggs, 1 can of tuna, a banana, handful of nuts, and a yoghurt, hopefully all of that will last me a week or two) and fighting the FEAR, I decided I would start being smarter with my money, start to economize, focus on what I could afford and needed. So, when my roommates asked me to join them in going to a jazz night at a club, I played my smart card, and declined. I was looking forward to trying out my new sheet and pillow anyways.

Woke up the next day, and I am informed I missed a great night, jazz was really good, place was cool, do I know Prince? Not personally, but yes, why so? Oh, he was there as well, jazzing it up. I prefer Michael Jackson anyways. For some reason, it was at this point when I decided to give up worrying. Funk the FEAR, I will beat you off (not in the West Hollywood way, but you know what I mean). I had missed out on poker with Slash, and now a night of jazz with Prince. I was resisting L.A, trying to be smart, use my head, think things through, economize, plan ahead. Thats not what L.A was about for me, I had to get back to basics, back to being dumb and going with the flow, stick to what you know!!!

Rent was paid for the month, I had bought time at least. I was in hobo heaven, a poor man’s paradise! So what if E.T was calling me to go home, I must plough on! Acting might not be the immediate route, but writing is free to do wherever. Looks like its back to getting free acting classes too, I could still do it! Who cares if the sheets I bought are actually meant for a single bed and my bed is a king size, so what if they don’t fit, it all be alright! The minute I stopped worrying about the funds, if I was goosed, how could I afford the acting classes, should I buy new sheets, etc., bits and pieces started to fall my way. Kind of.

While in the gym, after talking about music to the gay dude and how crap it is in the gym at times, there is now a chance I could get a job there as D.J during the day, ha, funking hilarious. I have to drop a demo in tomorrow. I also have a meeting with a guy about potentially running a night or DJ’ing in his bar/restaurant. I need to brush up on my mixing skills fairly lively. There is also now another possibility of selling Shamwows on the weekends, my career options are on the up!

More good news today. My roommate told me, if it ever came to it, I could act away as well without a visa, start off in non-union stuff, I should put up a resume on L.A Casting to get the ball rolling. Wuu huu, my acting career was rising up from the flames, Phoenix style! Seems I just have to remember to try not to be too smart and over-think things. I should have no problem with that so. L.A seems to have made me dumber anyways, or else I just get into more dumb scenarios when I go with the flow, or it could be a combination of all three. Wahey!

Song of this glorious, sunny day is I Feel It All by Feist, pump it up!!!

When Will I, Will I Be Famous? Bros, Answer Me!

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Now I was back in L.A, it was time to get back in the groove and be productive. With this in mind, I decided I’d head up to the gym and see if my buddy will hook me with free membership again. I was feeling confident about getting hooked up for free again, after all, I did watch Milk, in San Francisco, how could he say no now??!!!! I was ready to give my gayest high five and pump the air Milk style when I saw him.

Alas, this was not the case. I must have caught him on an off day. Either that or he had remembered what I had been telling him. It is time I reveal my dark secret – I had been leading the gay gym manager on all along. I felt so dirty hiding it, ha. When he tried to get me to sign up initially, I told him I would, definitely, 100%, for the two year plan as well, sign up and join, I love this gym, best gym around buddy, high five, but it will have to be when I find out how long I was able to stay in L.A. Which would always be next week when I find out, and then the week after, and so on, so he kept giving me free gym. Finally, when I told him I had to leave the country for a while, he must have presumed I would join up when I got back.

As I was saying, unfortunately he must have remembered, as I was getting the vibe it would no longer be free this time around. So, he offered me a cheaper month to month rate than usual but I was not happy with this still. I told him I must go home and mull it over. So, home I went, had a quick shower, shave, combed my hair, put on my best shirt, put on some cologne, time to get the free gym. Once again, however, I was told I would have to pay for the gym. The cheek of him, I had watched MILK! How could he do this to me?! Wait until I tell my brothers on Castro!!!

Anyways, today was the first day I went back to the gym, and it was great being back! I have a new gym buddy, Common will be freaked. Although I was really only sharing the machine with my new buddy, while I hummed his song. I was procrastinating away on some cable machine, still struggling to text quickly on my new crap phone, texting Twitter at the time of all people, ha. This guy asks can he jump in and use the machine while I text away. Work away buddy, and I recognize his face straight away, a lot less hair but its one of the dudes from Bros! Their classic 80’s song begins to play in the jukebox in my head! I text Twitter quickly to tell it this, I could do with a few more texting buddies it is true, ha. He finished his set, and jokes “I hope she’s worth all the texts whoever she is mate”. I mull over saying “I’m actually texting Twitter about you, would you believe” but decide not to.

I do a set, he then does another one. While he is doing his, I notice I am humming a song, but not the one on my iPod. I’m humming/whistling to myself ” Umh, umh umh, umh umh be ummmmhumh?! Umh umh umhum umh, umh umh umhum umh – When, will I, will I be famous?! I can’t answer that, I can’t answer that” (It’s hard enough to spell out a good humming noise for lyrics, that effort took me a while I must admit!). As he probably would, he notices I am humming his song, and the alert is on. He quickly finished and moves on. No more sets to do Bros? I could do with a hand on my final one? Bros? No? Common is way sounder than you!!!

As I was saying, it was great to be back in the gym, the magic of random L.A was back!!! However, I forgot about the lesson I learnt on the plane back from Mexico, I am a foolish man at times. The lesson about my blue Nike Jordan shorts. Being like blue bicycle shorts at times. Most of the time. Giving the world a good indication of what you bring to the table. If it will reach down as far as the table, that is!

So the gym shorts I wear the majority of the time are these blue Nike Jordan ones. Read back about the flight from Mexico post to see what their major flaw is if you couldn’t gather from above. Wearing these shorts to a gym, where its mostly gay dudes in there, is not the best idea, unless of course you’re gay yourself and looking. It’s like I am throwing it out there, seeing what I get offered more or less, teasing. No wonder I had been getting stares and looks in the gym all along. I shudder now thinking about the times I did stuff like bench press or sit-ups, anything lying down. They can be very deceiving or flattering shorts! And don’t think I’m saying it like “Oh, it’s like a third leg, hung like a horse, the blue bicycle shorts don’t do it enough justice!” kind of thing. I’m not. At all.

Think of it like this. If you were a guy like me in a gym, and you saw a girl who was, for example, showing side nipple. No matter what size breasts she has, big or small, you will still look. It’s out there, it would be rude not to really. It is kind of like that, in a completely different way. From now on, I think I will have to wear my shorts with the big pink flowers on them to the gym instead. Far less gay. Although, thinking about it more, maybe side nipple might have got me free gym again as well, too late now though!

Song of the day is this tremendous song… Skeletons by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Who Does A Fool, Fool? Himself, Obviously

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I have come a long way my friends, a long, long way. First time I ever flew into LAX, I got a dodgy bus to my destination. Second time, I got taken on a tour of the city in a taxi. The last time I flew in, I rented a car and got nicely lost. However, this time around, I had a buddy pick me up. Yes, you read that correctly, a buddy. I have friends this time around in L.A. And not the kind of friends here that I’ve met once ever in my life (if at all!) and then tell me – Don’t leave L.A! I’ll miss you too much!!! We must hang out when you’re back!!! Sure we will, sure.

On the way back to my house with my buddy, also now my roommate, but who’s splitting hairs, we decide to come up with ways of getting our roommates for April Fools’. Stuck in traffic, surprising for L.A, we have plenty of time. However, I do not have plenty of ideas. No good ones really. And all of mine seem to revolve around me, I am that involved with myself. How about we pretend I got deported? How about we pretend I was mugged? How about, after living in West Hollywood for so long, I’ll tell them I am actually thinking of going gay? I get the same response over and over… “Eh, no, they’ll just say oh right, and not care too much.” Oh right, I tell him, keep thinking.

In the end we decide he will take the keys of our roommate’s car, move her car, pretend like we know nothing, it must be stolen or towed. What a great, original, inspiring idea! We had nothing else. However, when we get home, there is no sign of her or her car. We sit and wait, still nothing. My other roommate has to go to an appointment, can’t wait around much longer. In the end, he gets an elastic band, ties it around the hose part they have in sinks here, plan J is in motion. Basically, whenever you turn on the tap like normal, the hose part was set to spray you all over, and you would be fooled, a great plan!!! I watched him do all of this, this should be noted.

My roommate has to leave, I’m at home on my own, decide to chill and watch t.v for a while, I’ll make a cup of tea first. So, I go back into the kitchen, look for a cup, find the tea bags, fill up the kettle, and soak myself. Ha ha, I thought to myself, I’m quite the ape for forgetting, lucky no one was here, I’ll say nothing, I’m no fool. Strike one.

After chilling for a while, I decide to clean up the house a bit. I dump the rubbish, clean the tables, round up dirty plates, cups, cutlery and all that. I carefully let enough water out of the tap so the spray doesn’t reach me, and do the washing up. When I finish, I notice I forgot to rinse one plate off. I’ll give it a quick, short rinse and I’ll be done. One quick burst of water later, and I am soaked again. Once again, thankfully, no one was there to witness my stupidity. I tell myself, thats it, I won’t be caught again. Surely.

Three soaks and two changes of clothes later, and I feel like a complete and utter fool. I have to mop the floor after the fifth time, the 5th time, of soaking myself. Once while washing a potato, once while cleaning my hands before cutting chicken, and the final time refilling the kettle to make a coffee, ha. I don’t really count the little squirts I got while filling up a bottle of water, twice, they only got me a bit wet so they don’t count. At this stage, I was determined to stay away from the sink, leave the elastic band on, and catch one of my roommates, any of my roommates, anyone, it had to be done.

Eventually a roommate comes home, and she heads into the kitchen with food. I shout in, asking her to get me a glass of water please, make sure its really cold, run the tap, I was so clever, the set-up was in place. She shouts back straight away “Why is there an elastic band around the spray part?” Balls. Around this time my other roommate comes in, gives me a hug to welcome me back, and asks why my t-shirt and jeans are so wet. Balls. I spill the beans, except in my version I pretend that I didn’t know about the elastic band all along. They give me a knowing nod, sure you didn’t, you idiot, and ruffle my hair. I fooled them well!!!

Later that night, my third roommate, my partner in crime earlier in the day, rings asking where his car is, where was it moved to, ha ha, very funny, good April Fools. I got a text actually saying “Dude, where’s my car?”. The girls straight away think its a wind-up, and ignore the cries of wolf, he just wants us to drive out to him for no reason. I have my doubts, but the manner of the text makes me think perhaps they are right. He is told by one the girls, we’re on the way, sit tight, we’ll be straight there, and we all go back to watching American Idol. About an hour later, and many ignored calls and texts, I call him back. Apparently he was not lying, the car is gone. The girl, whose car he was going to move earlier that day, collects him and brings him home. His car was parked in an unused driveway but still got towed. Ha, April Fools!!!

I hope this will teach fellow fools out there, do not leave your room next April Fools’ day, it’s just too dangerous out there for us!

Song of the day is this little mash-up, first person to name all the songs used gets one shiny gold Mexican dollar coin I have left from my trip… In Step by Girl Talk.

And here’s another one I stumbled upon earlier, bohemian on!!! Dance, Dance, Dance  by Lykke Li and Bon Iver.