LonDumb – Part VI (Or, Am I Being Deported?)

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Toilet

Continuing on from…
LonDumb – Part I 
LonDumb – Part II 
LonDumb – Part III
LonDumb – Part IV

LonDumb – Part V

Pompeii – Bastille


Eating all that paper. Not the best preparation for a flight back to America. Customs. Fully to the fore. What if they do what they did to Kailand?! But I’m legal, fully, I have a visa! I know, calm down, it’s just you might get a guy who’s having a bad day and he could screw you over somehow. But I have a visa, I’m all good! Well we didn’t even think what happened to Kailand could have possibly happened and you know how well that went! Oh balls. Me bowels. Durchfall. At least I was in business class. Paranoid but comfortable. Always key. Although I do need the bathroom.

Dose.

Both taken.

Wait. Spot a guy on the other side waiting too. Obligatory nod hello. Ignores me. Nice. Standing. Wishing. Thinking. Waiting. Did I ever Continue Reading »

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Obeasts!

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Learning To Fly – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers


Close my eyes. Time to sleep through this flight. Eyes shut for a minute. Mambo  number five in the aisle bounces off my head. Wakes me up. See something white on my pants as I open my eyes. Oh God. What was I dreaming about? No, this is a small thing. Pick it up. A mint. More to the point, a wet mint. By the looks of it, just fell out of someone’s mouth and onto my lap. Nelly to my right sneezes again. Plane hits a pocket of turbulence. Mambo bounces off me again. See now that it is her ass hitting off me. Feels slightly moist as it bounces off the side of my face. Wet, like the mint. Maybe sweat? Who knows, who cares?

And so began my wonderful flight home to Ireland. For some reason I am unsure of now, I did not Continue Reading »

Stand Under It? I Don’t… Oh Right.

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Something happened yesterday that still has me baffled. I don’t really know how it happened. Or if it was my fault or not. I just know that it happened. Don’t really understand it though. This has led to a flood of other things cropping up in my head which have occurred recently where even though I do understand parts of what happened, I completely don’t understand other sections. For example, I don’t really get why people rush on to a plane, particularly when seats have already been allotted. Continue Reading »

Pardon. I’m Sorry? Hang On…

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If you have not being keeping up to date, shame on you, why the funk not? For those that have, good work, you will know my plan is to now go to San Francisco, save some bobs, and get a bit of normality back. Minor issues really, main one is so I can write my pilot for the sitcom, and prepare a scene that I will make when I head back to L.A. It is crunch time. Without a shadow of a doubt. Can I produce the goods, we shall see, re de de. I have been listening to Bon Jovi a lot over the past few days. Oh Jesus.

Once again, I was right on time for the flight leaving LAX, got through the airport perfectly, onto the plane and flew off, without any hitch along the way. Sure. As of late, I have being having a bit of a run of mishaps in this department, particularly when it comes to the security check point. This time was to be no different. My flight was at 6 in the evening, so I spent the day dawdling, half packing, making some sandwiches for the flight, deciding to go to the gym at the last minute, and then hurriedly finishing up with my packing, as any ape would do. Initially, I thought I was going to be late for the flight. However, 5.20 is actually plenty of time for the check-in, wuu huu, happy days.

While standing in the pretty long line for the security gate, I remembered that the reason that I had an immense thirst and no water to quench it with, was seeing as I knew you couldn’t bring water through security. Clever me. Why I did not think the same applied to turkey and tomato sandwiches, I still don’t know. There was bob hope I was letting any of the food in my house go to waste with my budget, so I ended up bringing a mountain of food with me. Eating 6 big turkey and tomato sandwiches, with no water, so they were delightfully dry, can take longer than you might think. I almost finished them all off, even letting people pass by me and skip ahead, I can be very cordial at times. However, when I noticed the time, and that my name was being called out at the gate for the flight, I decided enough was enough with the sandwiches, I was a tad late.

Now I was the one skipping past people to the front, my name was being called, apologies, must get through. Somehow, while I was swallowing lumps of turkey and what felt like full tomatoes, the security lady seemed to gather what I was telling her, and waved me through, up to the trays. Threw my bag, iPod, phone, notebook, chewing gum, pen, other phone, belt, flip flops, chewing gum, tic-tacs, headphones, everything into the two trays and hurried through. No beep, wuu. “Excuse me sir, you’ll have to take off your hat and go through again” What the funk, there was no beep, I’m late! “Go back and take off your hat, it must go through.” The security guard was killing me! Hat off, threw it on top of my laptop, back through, no beep, my name being called out over the intercom for the flight, I needed to go!

Grabbed all my stuff, threw them all into my man/hand bag, grabbed my laptop, where’s my hat, come on hat, there we go, and took off for the gate, with my shorts falling off as I ran (belt was in the bag, no time to put it on). Took off at the fastest speed I could possible manage, which was not pretty fast with my shorts falling down and carrying my man/hand bag at an awkward angle, trying to squeeze my laptop into it while I scuttled along. Thankfully, it looked like the gate was close enough, happy days. It was around then when I thought I heard someone say “Hey you, come back, hey, stop.” However, seeing as my name was once again being called out over the intercom, I chose to listen to the big booming voice and not look to see who was calling who, behind me.

When the words “You in the hat, hey, stop now sir, stop!!!” were bellowed from behind me, I chose to look around, just to see, the hat factor made me feel a bit like I should. And I saw two security guys chasing after me, followed by a girl. Still half jogging, shorts falling, hat wobbling on top of my head, I gave the custom – Who, me? – and pointed to myself. At this point I stopped, finally realizing that they were calling after me, oh God, what the funk is wrong now?!

“Sir, you took that laptop which does not belong to you, you will have to come back with us”. Once again, what the funk?!! You stopped me because of that?!!! This is my laptop, I’m sorry, but thats my name that is being called over and over for the flight, I have to go, it is my laptop. “Sir, it is not your laptop, just step over here with us”. This is some funking joke, I am going to miss my flight! It is my bloody laptop! I know it is my laptop, 100%. This is just stupid. If I miss the flight, you are paying for a new flight for me, and I want an apology! This is some joke! Fine here, look, my laptop.

Laptop

Handed over my laptop, my white laptop, in its black covered case, which I know so well, and watched them open it up, waiting for an apology. Except, and there was always going to be an except really, they opened up the black laptop case, and pulled out a pink laptop. How on earth did my laptop turn pink?! What is going on?!! This is when the girl said “That’s it, that’s my laptop, here is yours” and handed me over a very similar looking laptop case, black, and when I opened it up, my laptop was somehow in it. How did my laptop get into her identical black laptop case? All pretty bizarre. Unless you’re not an idiot, and it made perfect sense.

In my hurried and turkey laden dumb state, I had, obviously, grabbed the wrong laptop. In all fairness though, what are the odds of the person one tray before mine having the exact, exact same case? Not sure really, but I am guessing not too high. Em, sugar, sorry about that, ha, it’s not my laptop alright, no need for that apology I demanded a few seconds ago, I apologise. Sorry. Thanks, I was in a rush. Are we cool? Did I tell you that that is me being called for the flight, listen… there, that’s me, Mark’s my name, gotta run, nice to meet you all! And off I eventually went. Great fun.

To cap this story off, I eventually made the flight, after having to stand at the gate and be given out to, by the (ridiculously good looking) air hostess, for being late and holding up the flight. So I felt bad, as I took my seat. Until I realized about 10 minutes later that the flight had still not left. And did not do so, not until 3 more off duty and drunk (but all still also ridiculously good looking) air hostesses came aboard and took their seats by mine. Still no clue why they kept calling me so much if those 3 weren’t on the plane before me. I am convinced they set me up. Unfortunately, I was unable to set myself up any more. All married.

Song of the day, at the end of the day, is this song… I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You (Twelves Remix) by The Black Kids