Jiggling Jugs!

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No Diggity – Chet Faker 


Tough week. Realised a few things. Such as: My ability to make women puke is still going strong. Take yesterday. Setting up to DJig. Girl comes over to me. Big. Drunk. Mexican. (Big as in overweight. Drunk as in demented. Mexican as in Meximerican.) Stands in front of me. Starts pointing. Swaying. Pointing. Slurring. ‘You’rrrre verrree goood luuk inn.’ Why thank you. Suddenly her head dips. And then she pukes all over her own feet. Delightful. Looks back up at me. Smiles. And before I could ask if she was OK, she puked again. Beautiful. Thankfully her friends carried her off (with one oddly rubbing her breasts the entire time. Giving me dirty looks when I looked at her do so. Is that a girl thing?)

More good news: My ability to make girls Continue Reading »

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Great Expectations! Oh St. Pa’tricks…

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I’m Shipping Up to Boston – Dropkick Murphys


Blogaruu, she’s been a while! My bad for the delay. Quite busy with vital stuff. Such as realising that I might be a fairy (apparently fairies can only handle or feel one emotion at a time. I am a full on fairy. Call me Tinker). And speaking of menstrual cycles… So back in the day, whenever a girl complained to me about cramps, I would complain back about people who complain a lot. Until I realised I actually can empathise. I too get man periods. Once a month. Every month. Rent cramps kick in. So now, I feel their pain. Similarly, whenever a girl complained about the thought of giving birth, I would shrug my shoulders and mention never having to deal with the pain of getting a kick in the fuss-balls. Until for some reason I thought about it like this: Imagine a little person exiting through the back door of your gift shop. If you know what I mean. I don’t think guys can fathom anything leaving through the front door, what with us not having one and all. But the back door seems to make it imaginable. Imagine that pain. Ripping. Tearing. Uncooperative. Sweet. Holy. Jesus. Must be ridiculous. Even thinking of it now is making my sphincter scream and squirm. So now I kind of understand the terror girls must have. Even worse, imagine if after all that, the child was to turn out like someone like the person writing this? For all that pain?! Dose. Apologies, Mum. Continue Reading »

Octo-Ape!

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Paganini Rocks (Feat. Au Revoir Simone) - Robortom


What an unreal week! Simply amazing. Brimful with the most amazingly pointless revelations one could have. Amazing. Take Sunday night. 5 in the morning. Big breakthrough. Shook me to the core. After years and years of thinking – nay -knowing the opposite, something finally clicked… Christian Bale and Jason Bateman are actually not brothers. What what?! Ridiculously pointless. Ridiculously wrong. For years I thought they were. Why? Because Christian Bale played the character Patrick Bateman before…? I know! Incredible!!!… ly dumb. Actually gave Jason Bateman more credit for being his brother too. Christian was the really intense actor so his brother tried to be the funny one. Good balance. I did wonder why he never said anything when it was claimed Christian attacked his Mum and sister though. Kind of odd, not sticking up for the family. And again, no sound-bite about the incident with Senor Bale and the sound stage guy? No one ever asked Jason for his opinion? Why was that, I wondered. Always found it peculiar. Now I know why. Some revelation. Amazing. What else has my brain got wrong? What other facts has is made up or misconstrued? I assume buckets… Continue Reading »