Tropical Hayes!

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For reasons unknown, all names shall be culled from this blogaruu. Except for mine. I’m going full on narcissistic. Tropical Hayes all the way!

So it’s the day after Halloween. Actually, the night. Limo pulls up outside my abode. It’s time. Put on my private jet pants. Grab my bag. Scuttle out. Hop in. High fives. Hello’s it going. And we’re on our way. Bob Hope airport. Here we dumb. Get lost en route. Find it again. Arrive. Punch in a code. Drive through a gate. Get out of the car. Look at our jet. Say hi to the pilot. And just walk on. The mightiest way to travel. No lines. No queues. No security. In. On. Out. Mighty!

Must say, this jet was the best I’ve been on. Leather here. Plush there. King size bed in the back. Pardon? What do you mean? A bed? In the back? Yes. A big old bed in the back. Mile-high-ty! We sit down. Hostess brings us a round of champagne. When in a Rome… Cheers! Wheels start rolling. You’re getting comfortable. And then suddenly you’re up, up and wahey! Way faster than a regular jet. Almost goes up like an elevator. Shwooop. Air born again. New beginning. On our way to an island in the Caribbean. Pants off. Caribb on! Continue Reading »

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Hello, Ian…

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Handle With Care – Traveling Wilburys

So the other day I walked into the doctor’s and said:

Hello, doctor Ian, I have this slight cough for a while now, can you-

Say no more, he said, just drop the pants, jump up on the bed, lie on your side and we’ll take a look. 

Down they went. Up I jumped. Over I lay. And only then did I think:

Hmmm. O-Kaaaayyyyyyy!

So that was odd. Cold. Knuckley. And uncomfortable.

But at least the cough’s now gone.

Finger Licking Bad

Speaking of fingers, there I was yesterday, dressed as a leper chaun, getting ready Continue Reading »

Fighting Mike Tyson On Mushrooms

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Hello – Martin Solveig Feat. Dragonette

LA… Mighty. Halloween… Nuts. Throw in a few Irish… Big buckets of mighty funking nuts!!! If ever you were going to visit L-Hey to see how bizarre/mighty/dancing/full-on/ape-ish/funreal/savage it actually is… Halloween all the way! Last year had me stumped for words. Arrived back here from Ireland. Straight off the plane. Threw on a red top-hat. People thought I was a banshee. And by thought I mean told. L-Hey took my mind to an orgy. Tried to blow it up. Almost fully danced away with it. Came uncomfortably close to losing it over a forgotten pair of scissors. This year… More or less the exact same. Minus jet lag. Plus a scissors. Minus being ill-prepared. Plus a gaggle of visitors from home. Along with buddies from here. The Man. The sink. The whole lot! All gathering for the perfect storm. Imagine being on mushrooms. Now imagine you’re fighting Mike Tyson. On mushrooms. Fighting Mike. All going on in the Chocolate Factory. Seeing little green and orange men running around while your senses are being pummeled from all angles. Imagine all that if you can. So. Halloween here is kind of like that. But actually maybe even harder to describe… Continue Reading »

A Jester’s Gesture

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Indian Sun – Mean Lady

Halloween truly is the mightiest of them all in L-Hey. Complete dancer of a weekend! Unfortunately. What goes up must tumble stumble and spiral all the way down. Now feeling absolutely battered. Normal blogaruu will follow along. Can barely raise a smile en ce moment. However. Poems have been oddly flowing along (Poets still are the highest paid of them all in society… Right?!) Gibber on!! Continue Reading »

Big Bag Of Nuts Please

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Mr Nut

Nuts. Random. Surreal. I knew L.A was all of the above. I knew this as I arrived on Saturday. I did not know that I would see a new level so soon. Kind of after blowing my mind. Only on the flight over did it sink in that I was finally going back. Realisation. Long term visa. Happy days. Probably be a bit weird to be back though after being home for a good bit. I was hoping that making the quick call to arrive back for Halloween would be a good idea. Perfect event for book purposes and all that. Although the possibility of going to the Playboy Mansion is appealing anyways, book or no book. My expectations of how events might transpire were way off. Way, way, waaaay off. The past three days have taken things up a notch. Don’t think I was ready for it. Maybe if I was settled in and had a few things organised it might be different. As it is though, fairly random. Contrasting it with Ireland. Even more so if I end getting on a private jet to Antigua today. Maybe my hangover is making me think it’s all a bit more bizarre than it actually is. Continue Reading »

Hey Boy, Like Cows? Actually…

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Cowboy

Have you ever foolishly decided not to bother wearing a costume at Halloween? I’ll just go as I am. No need for a costume. No? Thankfully, me neither. However, I do remember two years ago I almost did. Promoting a night in a nightclub on Halloween night. Usually might only be concerned about whether the club was going to be busy or not. However, seeing as it was a banker to be a success, I was able to chill out beforehand. Have a few boozes. Which I think was the reason why myself and two other buddies decided at the very last minute that we’d better wear some sort of costume. Thank holy Jesus we did. Simply for the fact that I remember out of about 800 people in the club that night, there were only three people who weren’t in costumes. Three guys in a group looking absolutely gutted. Standing out like sore thumbs. While my two buddies and I were delighted with our soccer player, chef and priest outfits. What chumps those other three guys were! Close call. Continue Reading »