Tropical Hayes!

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For reasons unknown, all names shall be culled from this blogaruu. Except for mine. I’m going full on narcissistic. Tropical Hayes all the way!

So it’s the day after Halloween. Actually, the night. Limo pulls up outside my abode. It’s time. Put on my private jet pants. Grab my bag. Scuttle out. Hop in. High fives. Hello’s it going. And we’re on our way. Bob Hope airport. Here we dumb. Get lost en route. Find it again. Arrive. Punch in a code. Drive through a gate. Get out of the car. Look at our jet. Say hi to the pilot. And just walk on. The mightiest way to travel. No lines. No queues. No security. In. On. Out. Mighty!

Must say, this jet was the best I’ve been on. Leather here. Plush there. King size bed in the back. Pardon? What do you mean? A bed? In the back? Yes. A big old bed in the back. Mile-high-ty! We sit down. Hostess brings us a round of champagne. When in a Rome… Cheers! Wheels start rolling. You’re getting comfortable. And then suddenly you’re up, up and wahey! Way faster than a regular jet. Almost goes up like an elevator. Shwooop. Air born again. New beginning. On our way to an island in the Caribbean. Pants off. Caribb on! Continue Reading »

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Come On You Boys & Girls In Green…

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Everybody’s Gotta Live – Love

Ever look out the window and wonder who was the handsome feck staring back at you and then you realise that the window is actually a mirror??! That happened.

Ever been DJigging and a randumb Irish guy comes up to you to say “Are you the guy from Cork? Your GAA team is Continue Reading »

It’s Like Living The Life, You Know, Unreal…

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Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

So my younger sister Sarah has been in L.A for the past week. Finishing off her J1 summer. Final hurrah in L-Hey. Usually I dodge like a duck when people are in town. Tour guide duties are a full-time job. Single parent duties and all that. Plus, sometime people seem to demand to be entertained by LA. Not able to relax until they’ve spotted a celebrity. And then it’s not good enough for their celeb standards… Meh, I’ve seen better. Only Brad Pitt. It’d be different if we bumped into someone like Justin Bieber. Oh yeah, sorry about that. Or else folk go out of their way not to be impressed, no matter how impressive. Until they finally just give in and admit to enjoy it. However, being my wonderful sister and all, I said OK so, you can stay with me. Here’s a tent and a pillow, sleep down by the pool.

All jokes aside, it has been mighty having her here. Splendid breath of fresh air. First of all, she’s chilled. Duck to water. Secondly, she’s not too cool to enjoy things. No Daria complex. Thirdly, she loved every minute of it. Everything was unreal. Everything was eye-openingly amazing. Everything made it the best week of her life, like. All of which reminded me: LA. Is. Savage. Continue Reading »

Jiggling Jugs!

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No Diggity – Chet Faker 

Tough week. Realised a few things. Such as: My ability to make women puke is still going strong. Take yesterday. Setting up to DJig. Girl comes over to me. Big. Drunk. Mexican. (Big as in overweight. Drunk as in demented. Mexican as in Meximerican.) Stands in front of me. Starts pointing. Swaying. Pointing. Slurring. ‘You’rrrre verrree goood luuk inn.’ Why thank you. Suddenly her head dips. And then she pukes all over her own feet. Delightful. Looks back up at me. Smiles. And before I could ask if she was OK, she puked again. Beautiful. Thankfully her friends carried her off (with one oddly rubbing her breasts the entire time. Giving me dirty looks when I looked at her do so. Is that a girl thing?)

More good news: My ability to make girls Continue Reading »

The Not So Typical Day Of An Irish Guy In LA…

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Starlight – The Supermen Lovers

Last Friday I had an early morning interview with the Sunday Independent (Irish newspaper). Feature of some sort. Not too sure what it was for. Either way. Mighty stuff. Good to go. Wake up. Answer the phone. How’s it going. First question. Only question. Eh. Balls. I don’t know the answer. Time to ramble on. Hour later. Get off the phone. Figure out I did know the answer. And it was such an easy question: Describe your typical day? Well. Now. Ha. Eh. I don’t know…

Friday:

Morning – Woke up. Did an early morning newspaper interview.

Day time – Planned a stand-up tour. Wrote some of book two. And. Duu.

Night time – DJigged the night away. New venue. Better every week. Dance. On!

Oh What A Feeling...

Saturday:

Morning – Ate lots of porridge. Drank bowls of tea.

Day time – DJigged a Nicole Richie fashion event. Unveiling of her new Continue Reading »

More On! Moron…

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If You Got The Money – Jamie T

Did you know… Book two is in full flow? Well. Maybe not full flow as in I’m gushing. But full flow as in I’m beyond leaking. No looking back. Not sure why I got so hung up on the flow metaphor. Not even that time of the month. Oh Jesus.

Did you know… DJigging is fully in full flow? Flow on! All sorts of gigs. Thursday in a castle. Friday in what can probably be described best as an empty room. Saturday in what can only be described as a bar full of people going absolutely miiiiintal! And Sunday in a pub full of lesbians. All sorts of flow. Go money go!

Did you know… Surrounded by 100 lesbians sounds better than it actually is?

And What Else... ?

Did you know… People actually come up while DJing and sincerely say ‘Music is my religion. This is my church. Can you play me the new Britney song…’? Would that make Britney your God? Your priest? And are you of the Moron fate?

Did you know… Urinals can be interesting places? For example. Continue Reading »