LonDumb – Part II

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Charles II

Continuing on from LonDumb – Part I …

It’s A Long Way To Tipperary – Little Green Cars

What do you call a ponder pipe that just lays around all day? Mopey Dick. Badum. My first day in London, I was moping like no other. Woke up early. Phoned the prison. Spoke to Kailand. Told me her news – “They keep giving us bananas and milk for meals, I’m hooked on the milk.” Slurp. Filled her in on my news – US Embassy said there’s nothing they can do, magistrates decision so just have to sort it out when you get home. Some dose. Slurp. Kailand is upset. But still. Her spirits are high. Night’s sleep always helps in fairness. Or else they were spiking the milk.

It was then realised that it must be hard to keep conversations flowing with people in prison. Both had filled the other in in detail what had happened since we saw each other last (about 24 hours ago). After that, our news seemed insignificant or non-existence. I’d phone back and Kailand would tell me she had a nice non-English speaking conversation with an Indian woman about milk. I’d inform Kailand that the hotel room was nice but all the TV stations seemed to be showing was the Big Bang Theory. Then Kailand had to go to get more milk. I’d phone back. Find out if the milk was really cold or room temperature. Called off again to go brush her teeth if she wanted to. Phone back again and then… I was told Kailand had been taken away. Being brought back to the airport. Put on a flight. Which flight? Wouldn’t tell me? What time? Hung up on me. Dose. Wouldn’t speak to Kailand about milk again until she was back in L.A, eating some Thanksgiving turkey and egg nog. So that was a balls. Continue Reading »

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Bang. Bang. Ba. Ng.

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Roxanne – Strange Talk

Birthday. Birthmonth. Bert on! Beach. Party. Celebration. Malibu. Malibooze. Maliboobs! Paradise. Cove. Kaw. Bird. Shrimp. Wine. Cocktails. Lounge chairs. Hi life. Hello living. Drink. Glass. My. Hand. Gulp. Pause. Laugh. Another drin- Plop. Huh? Seagull. Kaw. Kaw. KAAWW! Flying. Attacking. Dropping. Dumping. Plopping. Into. Glass. Hand. Mine. Dunk. Lucky? Me!

So that was a fun birthday. Speaking of… Continue Reading »

Jewish, Single… Ready To Mingle?!

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50 Ways To Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon

Have you ever had to ask yourself: Am I anti-Semitic?

I have.

So tonight started off with myself and my buddy Chowder DJing at the London Hotel. Up on the rooftop. Pool party. Savage spot. You know the one, just featured in the last episode of Entourage where Turtle was having his business meeting. (On a side note, what has happened to that show? Or was it always dodge?!) Anyway, last pool party of the summer. Dance. On! Started off well. Setting up, this little orangey brown girl with big pikey style jewelry next to us kept shouting out song requests. Please pipe down, Snooki, give us a minute. (On another side note, have you ever seen My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? Just realised Snooki dresses like one of those brides. Good work all round). Pretty soon she was carted off by her minders, music gets going. Free booze for the first hour. Place is soon packed. Not a bad night’s work. Until we realise there’s something weird going on. Large group gathered next to us. Almost all women. All mingling about. All stopping and staring when walking past the DJ booth. Hmmm. Something’s up. Continue Reading »

Carmafunkingidiot

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Big Bad Wolf – Duck Sauce

Carmaggedon: Some spoof. Never seen the roads so quiet. Hollywood hype! Waste of a shotgun. End of the world will have to wait.

Me: Some idiot. Have you ever tried to take shortcuts, even though you’ve never been in the place before? Some clown. Driving back from a gig on Saturday. Never there before. But I know where I’m going. Let’s take this left here. Down this lane. Now if I just swing around on this 270˚ angle. Go up this hill. Along this back road. And I should be home… Why am I on the Pacific Coast Highway?Heading for San Francisco? Some funking idiot. Berating myself in the car: Why are you trying to take shortcuts?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!! Only took me thirty five minutes to get back to the original road I was on. Some. Ape. Dope.

DJigs: Corporate gigs are the way to go. Forget bars or clubs. One night. About two hours of work. Rent. Sorted. Giddy up! No wonder singers and the likes do those weird gigs in Saudia Arabia or on a Russian billionaire’s yacht. Money talks. Let’s not mention how irregular they can be. Shhh. Nice views too. Rooftop on… Continue Reading »

Oh Deary Me…

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Midnight Voyage – Ghostland Observatory

I’m not sick. Look at that photo! Listen to that song! No sick person would be in that frame of mind… Right!? So this shall be short and sweet. As I am not sick. Which is mighty. Work on, positive spoof! Tiring work not being sick. In fact, I’m beginning to suspect it would probably be less tiring just to actually be sick. As opposed to continuing on as normal. Feeling swimmingly in the process. And by swimmingly… Ape-ish, dizzy, light-headed, hang on, I need to sit down. Mighty. Anyways. Not sick. Self-medicate all the way. Mind truly wandering and rambling. Until I need to sit down. Attention span of a meerkat. Creative is nay. Real world productivity is high. Fun week all round! See. Here are the highlights! Continue Reading »

Drowning Clowns And Gay Bears

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Three things you may or may not know: Clowns run comedy stores. Gay bears are actually a good laugh. And. Not all jokes are funny. Last one might be a bit too obvious. What else have I discovered in the last 24 hours that you might not know… A bottle of Absolut vodka costs $15 in the shop down the road. Whereas one shot of vodka costs $11 in a bar down the road from me. Amazing. Mango vodka may also be the way of the future, by the by. Pretty tasty. Any other gibber. Yes… Before I go to sleep, I try to just lie there and smile for a while. Like a freak. Not sure why. Read somewhere before that it’s good for you. Somehow. Not sure why I told you that either. But you can quote me word for word on that fact and reason if you like. Finally. Hitting yourself in the head with a weight at the gym is not fun. It hurts. As in you will make cat raping noises. Again. Amazing. I know. Alright. Enough from my gibber dish. Serious time. Back to drowning clowns… Continue Reading »