Tough Life at Sea…

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Here be an article I wrote that was in the Examiner last week. Front page too. Wuu.

Ways to Go – Grouplove

Imagine you are a fish, swimming in an ocean filled to the brim with other fish who are a lot like you but better in many ways. And instead of not wanting to be caught, you, the fish, are desperate to be reeled in by the fisherman. “Cast me, cast me!” you plead with your eyes as the fisherman toys with you in his net. “To keep and cast or to be thrown back in the ocean with all the other duds?” the fisherman asks himself as he examines you up and down like a piece of meat. Imagine all that – Welcome to the wonderful world of Hollywood auditions! Continue Reading »

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Muck Man vs The Adonis

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Adonis

Dear Dairy,

How are you today? I am good. That is nice. Long time no gibber. Hope you’re not sour. It’s been a month since we spoke last. So much gibber to flow. Where to start? Yesterday a guy at the coffee shop called out my name as Muck when my coffee was ready. Muck?! What a hoot. Now, what else… Continue Reading »

Comfortably Dumb

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Sweatpants

Cause – Rodriguez

So yesterday a couple of lights, bombs, bells and whistles exploded off in my head. It’s a been a while. Epiphany on. I was talking to a guy who asked me a simple enough question:

What have you been doing lately?

Rattled off the usual replies.

This.

That.

The gibber.

Grand. As you duu. Until he asked a follow up: Continue Reading »

I Shot The Sheriff…

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Angelina/Zooma Zooma – Louis Prima

Blog. Book. Sitcom. Movie. You know the plan! Time to get phase three in action. So I write a script. Pick a scene. Let’s shoot that. What do I need? Director? Sorted. Cast? Dancing. Location? Hmm. Actually. How about the Irish coffee shop down the street from me? Especially as the script is called the Irish Coffee Shop. Down I go. Talk to the owner. They agree. Just pay a fee. Oh. Yeah. No worries. Good to go. And we’re on the road! Continue Reading »

How I Nailed An Audition With My Head!

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Cinema – Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go

One thing I oddly rarely do is auditing. Which is odd. Since growing up I wanted to be an auditor. True. Read my book prologue. If it’s in that, you know it’s the truth! Another thing I oddly rarely do is audition. Which is odd. Since I live in LA and I thought the whole reason I moved here was for acting. Or writing. Or something. Read my book prologue. That is also in it, so must be some form of gibber truth? Anyways, last night I get an email from LA Models. (Remember?They signed me on donkeys ago?) Email which went something exactly like this… Continue Reading »

I Am A Sex

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Snake Charmer – Bag Raiders

No doubt you will remember well from ages ago in the blog, I quoted a line from Whoopi in Sister Act 2. Remember that? Obviously. You know… “If you wake up thinking about singing, then you are a singer.” Whatever you think about all day is what you are, kind of thing. Leading me to the conclusion at the time that Whoopi was profound (let’s ignore the fact it was a script) and that I was a: Writer. DJ. Woman. Well it turns out that Whoopi did not just come up with that herself on the spot. Nay. Comes from Ralph Waldo Emerson I do believe “A man is what he thinks about all day”. Discovered this today. Obviously this then made me reconsider Whoopi’s genius. And, in turn, rethink my original conclusion for myself. Do I still spend my time thinking about writing, DJing and women all day? Have I evolved? Stagnated? Regressed? What have I been doing all week? What is it I am now?! Time to figure out… Continue Reading »

Octo-Ape!

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Paganini Rocks (Feat. Au Revoir Simone) – Robortom

What an unreal week! Simply amazing. Brimful with the most amazingly pointless revelations one could have. Amazing. Take Sunday night. 5 in the morning. Big breakthrough. Shook me to the core. After years and years of thinking – nay -knowing the opposite, something finally clicked… Christian Bale and Jason Bateman are actually not brothers. What what?! Ridiculously pointless. Ridiculously wrong. For years I thought they were. Why? Because Christian Bale played the character Patrick Bateman before…? I know! Incredible!!!… ly dumb. Actually gave Jason Bateman more credit for being his brother too. Christian was the really intense actor so his brother tried to be the funny one. Good balance. I did wonder why he never said anything when it was claimed Christian attacked his Mum and sister though. Kind of odd, not sticking up for the family. And again, no sound-bite about the incident with Senor Bale and the sound stage guy? No one ever asked Jason for his opinion? Why was that, I wondered. Always found it peculiar. Now I know why. Some revelation. Amazing. What else has my brain got wrong? What other facts has is made up or misconstrued? I assume buckets… Continue Reading »