Half Naked, Half Leprechaun, One Third Potato

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Irish LA

Can’t beat being on the front page of a newspaper wearing a leprechaun hat. Couldn’t find a version online so here’s the original gibber. Recent radio interview too where I ramble on and on and on. New book PREDUMB out soon. Narcissistic levels reaching new high.

Mountain Dew – The Clancy Brothers

Blacks, whites, Asians, Native Americans, almost everyone I’ve met since I came to L.A. claims to be Irish in one way or another. At first it annoyed me purely because their logic was so ridiculous.

One guy told me one night at a party “I’m Irish too!” Oh yeah, what part are you from? “Ohio.” Oh really? I wasn’t aware that was in Ireland. “Yeah, it’s not.” And then he walked away.

Another guy later remarked Continue Reading »

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Sir, You Should Put On Some Pants

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Tree

Take A Walk – Passion Pit

So it’s a Friday night. You’re getting ready to go out gallivanting. Brushing your teeth. Doing a little jig. Hear a knock at the door. Hmm. Who’s that? Shimmy your way out, electric toothbrush still whirling away. Open the door. It’s the police. Oh Jesus. What have I done now?

“Are you Mark Hayes?”

“Who’s asking?” Continue Reading »

LonDumb – Part IV (Or… Kneed A Dwarf In The Face.)

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Skunk (Continuing on from… LonDumb – Part I LonDumb – Part II LonDumb – Part III)

Parklife – Blur

“Want some skunk geezer?”
Pardon?
“Some skunk?”
Do I want a skunk?
“Yeah. Want to buy?”
Why would I buy a skunk?
“You being funny?”
Am I being funny?
“You is being funny, pretty boy.”
Oh Jesus.

So I get out of the tube. East London. Not sure what part. But already it looks dodge. Balls. Never considered this when booking stand-up gigs. Presumed central-ish would be grand. Anywhere close enough to Picadilly. This seemed close. And it was. Just also dodge. Hmm. Not sure which way to go either. East? Which way did I come out? I’ll head to that Starbucks, do some sussing. Oh right, just up the road a bit? Cheers boss, and an espresso to go. So I’m back strolling up the street. Convinced Starbucks guy pointed me in the right direction. Looking for a venue whose name is now eluding me. King’s Arms? King’s Cross? Queen Bishop? No clue. Oh yeah, the Goat’s Head? I think that’s it. Hang on, what does this dodgy looking hooded dude want… Pardon? Oh right, I think he’s trying to sell me some skunk. No clue what the funk that is but- He’s getting angry. Time to walk faster. Hey hup. Quicken the pace, hang 0n, giddy up, the Shepherd’s Cross, found the place, in I go, skunk, back up away to funk! Continue Reading »

Boys Town To Manhattan!

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New York New York – Frank Sinatra

So I land. Collect my bag. Walk out the airport doors. Cross the zebra crossing. And hear a guy stuck in traffic shouting at me out of his mini van window. “Welcome to New York, you’re going to rock it in this city, am I right?!” Before I get a chance to reply Why yes sir, I certainly hope so! he adds on… “And I hope you get raped!!” OK? Thanks? Oh Jesus. I’m in New York. Continue Reading »

Boom Boom Boom…

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I Want To Know What Love Is – Foreigner

Let me hear you say WeHo, WeHo! Mighty Monday was had today. Why oh why, do you say? Well, let me stop speaking in rhyming riddles and calm down a second.

Now.

OK.

So.

I’ve been going through a bit of a power ballad phase, in case you were wondering. Some way to wake up in the morn, nothing beats a good fist clencher. Also going through a bit of a writing phase. Sit. Com. On. Working hard on writing a thingamajig called a Show Bible (known as a business plan in the real world). Everything needed to Continue Reading »

Hermit The Hog

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Flutes – Hot Chip

Wake up.

Slide out of bed.

Onto my knees.

Groan. Continue Reading »

My Bleak Week.

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July – Mundy

Bleak. Reek. Eek. What a week. Funk me, eh, peek.

So I’m out Sunday night doing stand-up in a placed called Flappers out in Burbank. Sound people in charge. No apeness. No ridiculousness going on back stage. All good. First time doing a gay centric show. Didn’t realise it was one until it began. The name – Beyond The Rainbow – should’ve given it away. I thought they were having an Irish/leprechaun/pot of gold kind of night. Nay. Gay. Good old hoot. Gay folk know how to Continue Reading »