Assassin’s Tango – John Powell
Sweet Lord. Would you look at this. A mighty RanDummy (@Janebustard) has written a gem all about RanDumb. Some odyssey. Ode on!
An Ode to RanDumb…
Have you ever heard of Mark Hayes?
He’s an Irish guy, lives in LA.
He’s a writer of note
And I’d give him my vote
And his third book is now underway.
Mark Hayes has a talent you see
He is charming as well, you’ll agree.
He can DJig it too
And do stand up, it’s true
He’s a man of all talents is he.
So he started a blog on the net
Making notes, so he wouldn’t forget
All the things that he did
Trying to earn a few quid
And the oddest of people he’d met.
Mark’s blog got the name “Trickaduu”
Where’d that come from? I haven’t a clue…
It’s a pretty cool name
And deserves some acclaim
As do all Mark’s wee sayings, like “Duu”.
Moving on to Mark’s mighty first book
It’s called RanDumb, you must take a look
You will love it I’m sure
When you’ve read it, you’ll whure…
Or start talking Mark’s gobbledegook!!!
RanDumb starts as Mark lands in LA
And he’s looking for somewhere to stay
But he’s all in a spin
And then jetlag kicks in
And he’s snoring as he hits the hay.
The next morning Mark woke up confused
Looked around – Hollywood - was bemused.
Where am I? Oh Denny’s,
Well that’s better than Penney’s
In a car park? Oh God, not amused!
Mark set off to meet Layla and Jess
His new flatmates, now, what’s the address?
Sweet Cheesus, it’s grand
Though not where he’d planned
But it’s mighty, he’s in, duu, success!
The frustrations of Mark start to show
When he orders a coffee to go
You see try as they might
They can’t get his name right
He gets Mork, then Merrick, guys, helloooo?
There’s some weirdos in LA to be true
Merk’s met plenty, but what can he duu?
There’s Maria and Joe
And gay Jim, well hello…
From the gym, just to name but a few…
Merk got settled, it’s time for some wheels
So what do you think clinched the deal?
A Porsche? Or a Merc?
Eh no, well you might smirk
Couldn’t help it, fell head over heels…
He decided to purchase a truck
“‘Twas a bargain” he thought, just his luck!
But the thing wouldn’t start
And was falling apart
Mark was heard to say “Oh what the f*ck!”
Affectionately christened “The Bucket”
The truck did him well, and he loved it
But love can be blind,
So he made up his mind
To get rid, should he sell it or chuck it?
So now he was cruising WeHo
In a black 4×4, no goat’s toe!
Some really slick wheels
And with such sex appeal
A black X5, wow, what do you know?
‘Twas a pulling machine to be true
And he loved it, all shiny and new
The X5 was quite mighty
His new Aphrodite
His pride and his joy, hullabaloo!!!
(I can’t always get words that make sense
It’s quite hard when your brain’s feeling tense…
That word hullabaloo
Is a strange one, it’s true
But I’m dopey and that’s my defence!!)
Now back to the topic in hand
Merk cruising WeHo, all beautifully tanned
He met some quare folk,
And although he was broke
He was still in quite mighty demand.
Merk while living the dream in LA
Took a call one particular day…
Should he do a pub crawl?
Or go play some football
At Robbie’s house, what should he say?
Robbie who? Which Robbie might that be?
Robbie Williams, the one and only…
The world’s greatest by far
Yes, the mightiest star!
And did Merky say yes? Read and see…
So, hell yes! Merk knows Robbie quite well
Gets invited to poker, but hell.
He misses the call
Misses Slash, mutters “balls!”
And then skips on the jazz night as well.
Soon Merk’s visa is due to run out
What to do? Where to go? Here comes doubt.
So what should he do?
Well, it’s only adieu
Off to Mexico, down in the south!
He partied all day and all night
And Merk even got into a fight
He was sat on the loo
When out of the blue
A maid entered without an invite!
Merk got up off the loo, the towel fell
And he flashed at the maid, bloody hell!
She started to shout
Get out Sir, get out!
Oh woman! Do you have to yell?
So after his tryst with the maid
Merk finished his little crusade
And headed back north
To LA, striding forth!
Could he manage to get an upgrade?
When Merky was back in LA
Where he felt right at home by the way
His worries were gone
Feeling mighty, dance on!
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaay!!
He met up with gay Jim at the gym
But it wasn’t to go for a swim
Merk played him some sets
And he wagered a bet
That Jaymes would appreciate him.
Jaymes put on Merk’s demo CD
But happened Merk did not foresee
Jim wiggled his hips
And licked on his lips
Could Merk’s slot be a fait accompli?
And so Merk did get his debut.
Could this be his mega breakthrough?
How much he would earn
Was causing concern
But whatever it was, he’d make do.
When Merk didn’t hear from gay Jim
He thought he would call on a whim
And yes, Jim agrees?
But really? For free?
Should Merk whure out his tunes in the gym?
I shall leave you right there I’m afraid
Should Merk do it, and would he get paid?
I will tell you no more
For you need to explore
The rest of RanDumb, enough said.
Hey, in RanDumb there’s more to be sure
But I’ve picked out my best bits to whure
In this brute of an Ode
My own gibber has flowed
I’ll blame Merky, the Enigmanure!
So I’ll leave it for there, that’s me done.
I don’t want to spoil all of your fun
Please go buy it now
It is mighty, it’s WOW!
You can buy it online – Amazon.
And remember, if you’re down or blue…
Then there’s only one thing you should do
Read this book called RanDumb
You’ll no longer be glum
And check out Mr Hayes, Trickaduu!
But make sure you take off your pants
‘Cos to read it, you must take that chance.
Well so says the author
Who’s better than Chaucer
So pants off. Then read on while you dance.
There’s now a new book, number 2
Just as mighty, I promise, it’s true
Just in time for the summer
Buy it too, it’s RanDumb-er
And I promise you’ll love Trickaduu!
It’s been fun meeting all of Merk’s friends
And I’m sad that I’ve come to the end
Of Merk’s first book RanDumb,
But there’s more yet to come
So to Merk I say thank you. The. End.
To be continued…………
As I said earlier: Mighty! Some dancing by the @Janebustard. Write on!
If you’d like to buy RanDumber -> SNAP HER UP!
For the Kindle -> SNAP ON!
For those in the UK -> GIDDY UP!
I Buy RanDumb! -> WEE HUU!
Read the first five chapters of RanDumber -> CLICK!