Two Girls And A Carrot…

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All Together Now – The Farm

Ménage à trois. Sounds unreal. Holy grail. Conjures up magical imagery. Hot. Toned. Tanned. Women. Feathers. Candles. Wings. Gloriousness. Fireplaces. Rugs. Cherries. Berries. James Bond bedroom scene style lighting. Saxophones, hooting from somewhere. Kenny G next to the roaring fire, no doubt. Tooting out the soundtrack. Seeing as it is the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones comes swooping in with a whip. In case one of the girls is into that. Whips. All that gibber. Funreal! Although. A lot of dudes are in this threesome. Which. Is. Odd. Anyways…

Unfortunately. In reality (or in my slightly altered one) threesomes seem to be a tad different. Take last week. Finishing up DJing. Ménage is broached to me. One slightly large Missy Elliot looking lady. One slightly larger Dan Aykroyd looking lady. Who, oddly, was eating a carrot? How come you’re eating a carrot? I asked, before being interrupted by Missy. Do I want to go to a party with just the two of them? Hmmm. Pardon? Want to come back to our place, baby, just with us two? What kind of party?  We can… Hmm. Which now? Me, you and her… What? Emmm…

Nay, Horsey, Nay.

I can’t. I had a carrot in my bag, said Dan. I’m hungry, baby. Why you not coming with us? Bit of carrot flew out of her mouth. Wiped it off my lip. She continued in a southern drawl… Are you a ho-mo-sechs-uaaall? No. No homo. Very sexual. More the fact… I. Don’t. Want. To. Did not go down too well. Look of surprise. Disgust. Let’s punch the DJ. Tried to salvage the situation…

Are ye Kenny G fans, by any chance? Either of ye into Indiana Jones style whips? Any rugs? Do ye have a fireplace? Nay. All round. Afraid it’s no so to your offer, ladies. Not too happy. Blocking my exit. Used the old reliable trick. Look up. Look. What’s that up there in the sky… They looked. I scuttled. Made my great escape. Bullet. Dodged! Although it might have made for better reading if I did go back. Wouldn’t have taken some bullet for the sake of a blog, the sake of a book story. Ah for book’s sake. OK so. Maybe next time. I’ll take a carrot for the team. For now. Dodge. On.

See, on paper and without the finer details, ménage sounds good. However. Without Kenny G tooting, or Harrison whipping, not really the same. Kind of disappointing all round. Bit of a let down. As is life. Tut. Although everyone loves a good threesome story, right? Particularly when it’s kind of a bad one? Emm. Back to me writing a book. Hopefully she shall be better than this! Say nothing. Song on!

A Horse With No Name – America

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