Shoulder Padded Turtle Necks

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I’ll Try Anything Once – Julian Casablancas

Confession time: For far too long a period growing up I used to wear turtlenecks. As in, all the time. Pre denim jacket phase. Post oversized sports jacket. Turtlenecks were my item of choice. Anywhere. Everywhere. All the time. Must’ve thought I was French. Or Sean Connery. Not sure if they were actually in fashion according to the herd, but I assume I thought they were the greatest thing of all time. Every significant memory I have from the ages 15-18 involve me wearing a turtleneck. Maybe even push that up to 20. Clearly remember my first turtleneck. Saw it in a wardrobe at home one day. Wondered who owned it. Looks like my kind of top. Looks kind of cool. Let’s see what it looks like on… Oh Betsy! My distorted image of myself in the mirror telling me I was looking good! Very cool! Mum? Muuuuuuuuuummmmmmm! MMMMUUUUUUUMMMM!!!! MUMM!? Mum? Mum?!! MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM… Oh, hi Mum. Who owns this top? Pardon? You!? Who? No way! Can I have it? Pardon me? Shoulder pads? Oh yeah, wasn’t sure what they were. Pretty cool though, aren’t they!? Right? No? Guys don’t wear shoulder pads? Says who, Mum? What do they know!?! I look cool Mum, don’t I? Sure I do, Mum? Mum? MUU… Continue Reading »

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The Ultimate Randumb Experience!

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I Can’t Go For That (Member’s Only Remix) – Halls & Oates

Earlier today I saw an offer from an author on Twitter. Buy my book in bulk. Get an experience in return. Buy 75 books: Get a personalised thank you video. Buy 350 books: Have a one hour chat with me on Skype. That kind of thing. Book whuring full on. Honestly I found it pre-tty bizarre. I’m happy when someone buys one copy of Randumb. Who would buy in bulk like that? Was this not just a way to buy your way into the Amazon or New York Times Bestseller charts?! Why did it reek of used car salesman techniques?! Focus. What am I having for lunch!?

Anyways. Apparently. It works. People like to do this kind of thing. Amazing. I know. The author in question (Gary Vaynerchuk) told me he got 100′s of people doing it for his first book. No way… Yes way. Interesting. Got me thinking. Perhaps it’s time for an ultimate Randumb experience. You buy my mighty book. In return. Personally touched. By. Me. Wuu! Duu? So. Here are the mighty experiences I and my team of I have come up with. Please form an orderly queue. Touch on! Continue Reading »

Book Bonanza! Reading Extravaganza!!!

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Resurrection – PPK

Anyone want some free books? Tricks Hayes Giveaway! Ordered a flurry last week off Amazon. Next day delivery! Next day. No delivery. Next week!? No delivery. Amazon swore: We delivery’ed. Apartment security checked CCTV cameras. Informed me that a gang of ‘mysterious, elderly, bag-carrying women’ appear to have stolen the books. Ok? Mighty. Re-ordered. Next day. Books arrived. Following day. First batch mysteriously show up. Remains an unsolved mystery. Odd but an amazing tale! Anyways. Now I have the same three books twice. No use to me. So I shall horse them out to anyone who is interested. All that is required:  You can read. And. You live somewhere in America. Postage reasons. I know. Dose. If you’re eligible, enter on in! Just do any one of these… Continue Reading »

Randumb Free Chapter!

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Daddy Cool (Chris Moody & DJ Riz Remix) – Boney M

LADIES...

Big day. Main goal. Buy sheets for my bed. Using my hand towel as a pillow and bath towel for a blanket was getting a bit unrealistic. A damp bed is never fun. The two girls invited me along to Santa Monica to go shopping with them. Seemed they wanted to buy me a pair of proper jeans anyways. Not that they don’t like my style, I’m told. More that they just absolutely hate my jeans: Loose, not too baggy, not too skinny. Hate them with a passion. Skinny is the new look. According to them. Honestly can’t stand skinny jeans. Can’t stand comfortably in them. However. When in LA. Sell your soul. Santa Monica shopping all the way! Continue Reading »

How I Nailed An Audition With My Head!

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Cinema – Benny Benassi Feat. Gary Go

One thing I oddly rarely do is auditing. Which is odd. Since growing up I wanted to be an auditor. True. Read my book prologue. If it’s in that, you know it’s the truth! Another thing I oddly rarely do is audition. Which is odd. Since I live in LA and I thought the whole reason I moved here was for acting. Or writing. Or something. Read my book prologue. That is also in it, so must be some form of gibber truth? Anyways, last night I get an email from LA Models. (Remember?They signed me on donkeys ago?) Email which went something exactly like this… Continue Reading »

Smells Like Summer. Tastes Like Christmas Tree.

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Need You Now – Cut Copy

Invaluable few lessons have re-reared their heads in the past few days. Just in case I ever forgot…

1. It only takes an instant to dislike me.

Kind of odd. Take tonight. Met my buddy Chowder in Barneys for a pint. Ordered up. Standing at the bar. Random girl sitting on a bar-stool groans at me…
Can you leave?
Excuse me?
I don’t like the look of you. You’re in my way. Just leave.
What do you mean? Do I know you?
What’s your problem? Get out of my area!
(Now is when I copped on that this strange ape was instantly offended merely by my presence. Oddly, I instantly disliked her just by her mouth opening.)
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: What a ghoul bag).
She said… Are you deaf? Get out of my area, I can’t see the rest of the bar.
So I said… Pardon? (While thinking: Her friends are quite hot. Pity she’s an ape).
She said… Are you dumb too? Do you not speak English? Get away from this area! You’re blocking my view.
So I said… Pardon? (Thinking: And her breath stinks. Three for three).
She said… Can you not say anything else? I’m warning you. Leave! You’re so ugly.
So I said… Continue Reading »