Sabotage Hayes

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Tea. Quite the Magic potion. Like any Irish man, woman, child, ape, leprechaun, dancer, I enjoy a cup of tea. About ten times a day. Can’t beat a cup. Or spreading the word about the magical qualities of it. However, as an Irish bape/man boy in America, I am fully aware that tea bags are not as readily available as back home. Proper ones, at least. Which is why bags of tea bags are constantly smuggled over the border by little green men on a daily basis. Irish gold. All of which makes offering tea to folk in my vicinity when I go to make a cup, an entirely polite gesture. Willing, hoping, prompting them to say no. As I know what will happen. 9 times out of 10. American folk like to try new things. Mostly. So, being asked by an Irish ape if they want an Irish cup of tea, means that they will, more often than not, say yes. As if it is a little treat. If crystal meth was seen as a jovial Irish thing, I am pretty sure people would say yes just as easily. Seriously. Try it.

Tea Drops

Anyways, the thing is, particularly with Emericanos, they will accept a cup of tea without having a clue what it tastes like. Purely and probably as they themselves are 1/13th Irish. Which is usually said at this point. And means they must embrace their 1/13th heritage with exuberant enthusiasm!!! “I would love a cup. A cup of tea?! Made by a leperchaun! Oh My Gawd, I’m Irish!!!” Proceeded by looking on with amazement as you go through the whole magical leper chaun-like process, of making a mythical cup of tea:

Kettle. Water. Boil. Cup. Tea bag. Pour.

Do that secret magic thing only Irish folk know.

Tea on.

As you then pour milk into your cup of tea, a look of disappointment will appear on their face. ‘Just milk? That’s not very Irish! I’m going to make it even better!!!’ And then they go and ruin your mystical work. Pouring honey, pepper, salt, hazelnut, swirls, red-pepper flakes, vinegar, cold water or anything else they can get their hands on, to add their own personal twist. Into the cup of tea. Eyes gleeful and giddy. Take one sip. Eyes sour. Put the cup down. First and only mouthful. Feigning slurps. Nodding politely along. As you now will them to at least drink half the cup. Not fully let it go to waste. Which they don’t. Wasting a tea bag. Another tea bag. Mighty stuff. You dirty whu… Just one tea bag, I know. (To all teabaggers who live in limited supply… Another tea bag, I know!) Need to buy a pot. Seeing as the next time, oddly, they will still accept a cup. Not sure why. At least there is always that 1 out of 10. Converted one poor soul. Roommate now starts the day with a cup of tea. And a potato. Cooked in the microwave. Ha. Seriously. Crusade on!

Chicken Head

Not too sure where that pointless tea ramble came from. Moving on. I think I had my most expensive cup of tea ever the other day. Quite the pretty penny. €2096.38 worth of pennies, to be exact. Have you ever been playing chicken with flights. Find a cheapish flight. Wavers in price. Dips slightly cheaper. Might this go even lower? Wait. Nope. Missed your chance. Jumps slightly back up. Balls. Although. Might dip one more time. Wait. Just wait. Sit. Wait. Watch. Chicken. Head. Wait. Dip… dip… c’mon dip! And then a rocket sails over the sky.

During the week this happened. Cheap flight. Did their little dip. Dip again? Nay. Jumped back to what they were. All €35 jump back up. Big difference. Ploughed on with this original cheap price. Went through the motions. Filled out the forms. Name. Address. Payment. All that gibber. Time to press “Purchase”. And for some reason, just before clicking, decided, quite obviously, to have one cup of tea first. Not sure why.

Whating Ape

Perhaps you like to pick the most ill-timed moments to have cups of tea e.g running late for a coffee meeting – One quick cup before I dash off! Perhaps you have mental issues. Perhaps you just really needed a cup of tea at that moment. Seeing as you are looking for new vices after coming off the crystal meth. Perhaps all of the above. Mythical. Mystical. Magical. Cup of tea in hand (perhaps you wanted to enjoy the cup of tea as a reward for doing such an arduous task as booking a flight! All on your own! Perhaps!) Clickity click. Now processing this transaction. May take a minute. Ahh, nice cup of tea. Tea-bag in, still amazed with that. Taking longer than a minute. Page loading. Unexpected message screaming from the screen. Along the lines of “The price of your flight has increased by €2096.38″ What the whating what?! What what?! Oh Jesus, did I just book that? Head gets dizzy, knees flutter, tea sloshes around as you struggle to stay up, grabbing hold of the wall. Until you remember… Bob Hope my Irish credit card has that limit left on it. Wuu. And phew.

With What?

Missed out on the lowly priced flight. Expensive cup of tea. Sky rocketing up. Balls malone. Although, in my defence, a certain website (starts with Ex, ends with pediatrician) has been advertising that low price ever since. And keeps shooting rockets into the sky whenever you click to proceed. Funny enough. In a ‘I-would-prefer-if-could-just-actually-book-that-cheap-price’ kind of way. Can’t blame the tea really. Never the tea. Mostly me. Maybe just not this time. However, and here is a mighty linkage point, it did show me a good example of how I have just been sitting around, waiting, sitting, waiting, time to take action, but first I’ll just have a cup of tea first. And then not end up doing what I had planned. No more. So…

With that, I sorted out the whole agent thing today. Paper, filled. Time, to dance.

With that, I went and got a batch of free clothes from Ted Baker during the week. Might as well look dapper for the book promotions at least. Giddy up. Mighty clothes. Two things I learnt:

  1. Skinnier jeans are actually not that bad.
  2. Trying on clothes which are skinnier and tighter than ones you may usually wear, after you walked to the shop when it is absolutely roasting, can be dodge. Details may have to wait for the next book. Or possibly the sitcom. Whichever comes first.

With that, I now have a stand-up show booked in the Comedy Store on the 15th of June. Have not performed since I went down the writing well. Got lost in the cave. Sitting around and putting off getting back up on the standing horse ever since. Deadline is on. Giddy up the Comedy Store!

Weird Nut

One final piece of advice which was said to me earlier today is that I should stop ”… being a weirdo who doesn’t brush his hair and dwells in caves”. Stop sabotaging myself. Not sure why, but an interview I did last week triggered that response. Think it was a good thing. Then again, I also thought I had pep in my voice. Drones and monotones all the way. With that, there shall be no more self sabotaging. Although, oddly, the tea incident might work out. Seeing as I have been offered a pretty mighty offer in England, on the day I originally intended on flying back to LA after the book promotions. Which may now be possible, seeing as I have not committed to a return flight yet. (Go on the cup of tea!) Hopefully I can make it happen. Just need to sort out my nuts. As you know what they say: Where there’s a will with a nut, there shall be a way. And as you can see, I am quite clearly shaping up well for the Comedy Store. Cave off. Comb on!

Fire In Your New Shoes – Kaskade Feat. Dragonette


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