Have you ever decided to do something, then at the very last second changed your mind? Dumb enough question, obviously you have. Might’ve been something big. More than likely something small. Well, I just had a change of mind about something pretty small and pointless. A cup of tea. Filled the kettle. Watched it for five minutes. Not true by the way. It did boil. Cup. Tea-bag. Spoon. All ready. Picked up the kettle. About to pour into the cup. Last second I defaulted. Change of heart. Mind. Both. Saved the tea-bag. Poured some water on the counter instead. It was literally that last of a second change. And the reason being, a bit of sense kicked in. I need sleep, not tea. No such thing as a quick cup. Better off going to bed. Wrecked. Sleep on. Tea off.
Reason for being so tired is that lately, my night owl has been turning into an early bird. Unfortunately without the sleep in between. Late nights turning into early mornings. Last Sunday was the record. Almost six in the morning. Although that was also a side effect from the hangover from Saturday. My brain and body can disagree at times. Body wants bed. Brain wants to stay up. Have fun. Racing along. Teasing me. Throwing me nuggets of good stuff. Can’t go to bed now. You never know when I’ll give you lines like this again. Better stay up and at least write down the bones of what I’m telling you. Funk you body. Brain is in control. Mind was standing over matter. Toying with it. Beating it down!
However, this staying up late into the night is not actually a bad thing. In fact, the opposite. Shows I’m in my study mode. Cramming. Ploughing. Which is good for the writing buzz. Still not at optimum levels though. And I know why. A hump I need to get over quickly, is focusing too much on writing new stuff, and not enough time on re-writing the older stuff. Much easier to write new stuff. Just realised I’ve gone over 200 blogaruus. Trilogy on! Looking back over older stuff, re-reading, re-writing, editing and all that is tougher. More disciplined. Fooling myself then a bit with writing new stuff more than I should. Like I am doing right now. Do what I do, not what I say, is what I like to do. Duu? Something like that. See, even now I am very tired, but I feel the need to at least write this, and let myself feel a surge of productivity before I go to bed. A false surge, but a surge nonetheless.
Society... Leave Me Be
Is society the reason for my tiredness? I am tired enough at the moment to think so. Maybe more it’s rules. Dictating my day. Particularly my hour of rising. People who work a 9-5 job will probably scoff and stop reading if I reveal what time I aim to get up at every day. ‘That time? Doesn’t get up until then?! I have to be up at 7! I’m not reading this ape’s blog anymore!’ So, just in case of that reaction, I’ll hold off with the actual time. Let’s just say it’s not 7 am. Obviously. And it’s not past midday. Split it. More so one way than the other. I’ll let you guess which way.
Anyways, society’s rules stopped me from having that cup of tea. Same rules don’t care if I’m burnt out tonight. Can’t be a bum and stay in bed tomorrow. No, no, no. Wasting a glorious day! Can’t sleep and get my rest. Which I need. Does not matter that you work better at night. More productive. Get more done. Still must get up early in case anyone asks ‘What time are you up since?’ Society has a strong-hold on a little part of me still. Convincing me that even if I get less done by being so tired, it’s still better to be up early. Good work, society, thanks for that! Fairly dumb. Hibernation rules. Society is being shunned. Exam time. Cram time. Head down until the book is done time. My own time zone. Time running out. Go back to embracing regular hours to an extent once it is finito.
In Or Out?
Society is one hump to get over. Along with the first hump that even though it’s more fun to write about new stuff, re-writing the older stuff is top priority. And final hump to bounce over, has been mulling over what to include or exclude when re-writing. A lot of stuff did not make the blogaruu. For numerous reasons. And even though I have the mantra of ‘Write like no one will ever read it’ in my head, it has still not fully been the case when re-writing thus far. Holding back in places.
Time to change that. Up until today, there were certain events or stories that had been toned down. A few left out. I have decided today that it shall all be put in. Change names. Majority might not be known as it is. Still though, no point having one edit that is out there and then another verbal edit that I explain to people what really happened. Good, bad, ugly and funny. All or nothing? All in! Including the cat!
Save This Drivel!
Anyways, those three humps revealed themselves to me today. Need to bounce over them. So I can now move on. Great to know. My inner turmoil makes splendid reading for you really. Although one or two more bits of gibberish did step forward as well today. A bit of insight I managed to finally verbalise in my head. While speaking to the opposite. If you wanted to, I’m pretty sure you could say almost, nay, absolutely anything and everything, and get away with it by saying ‘Oh sorry, in Ireland what I just said actually means…’ and then make up something else that it could mean. Useful in various different scenarios. Sky’s the limit. Good buffer to use if you ever need it. Test limits and all that. Fill in the blanks.
Second bit of gibberish which revealed itself to me, was the danger of eye contact in the gym. Even if you’re merely wondering what is he looking at. Don’t wonder by looking back at him. Glance only. Wonder towards the ceiling. Or close your eyes and wonder. Just don’t look back! Not in this neighborhood! I was trying to figure out what a new nutter was looking at earlier on. Stare him out of it for a change. Shrugging my shoulders to ask if he was ok. That should make him stop. Did not go to plan. Instead I think the he just tried to follow me home. Pretty sure he’s not a dangerous kind of nutter. More absolute weirdo kind of nutter. Wears shorts that he probably grew out of by the age of ten. I’m guessing he’s mid to late 40’s. Bald head. Leering looks. A bit like the guy from Scary Movie. One of those kind of nutters.
Thought I saw him walking behind me for a couple of blocks. At the time, thought nothing of it. Looking back now… Turned onto my street. Still walking behind me. Turned to go into where I lived. He stopped at the corner. I turned around to look at him. Shoo’ed at him like you might a goose. Or is it a swan? Anyways, he turned and scuttled off. Maybe he got lost and remembered where he was meant to actually be just at that same moment. Not too sure. At least he knows now where I live. Which is good to know. In case I ever get lost myself and need to ask someone. The job.
Tiredness levels are high. Ability to wrap it all together is low. The lyrics in this song are basically what I am trying to say…
Vals Fцr Satan (Din Vдn Pessimisten) – Kent