Last night I made the conscious decision to do absolutely nothing. After a day of re-writing, I was fairly tired. Kind of. Decided to take the night off from the gym. The night off from doing the blog. As opposed to not being able to do them, for whatever reason. Usually involves a tipple or two. Thought it might be good, get an early night’s sleep, fully refreshed and raring to go today then. Nay. Worst call ever. Well, again, kind of. I believe, I might be addicted to the gym and the blog. For the simple fact, that I reckon the lack of endorphins being released last night, were a contributing reason, to a wall of something hitting me, out of the blue.
At about twelve bells last night, some sort of fear crept up and jumped on my back. Strangely, I can pinpoint the minute that it hit. While messing around with music on my laptop, a shrouded cloud suddenly engulfed me. Not really sure why I got the dreaded feeling of fear though. Initially I thought it was somehow sparked by the song I was listening to. Or else the video of a ridiculously good DJ I stumbled across just before it. Neither made sense. Different feeling of fear too, than say the self loathing kind after a night out. Is this what it would be like if you were just about to get married to the wrong person. Would it be the same kind of fear? Or, the fear from an unexpected pregnancy? The closest I could think of, was if you might wake up the morning of an exam, and for some reason think you were going to be goosed in it, even though you had studied for it.
The Fear Of God!
Anyways, my conclusion was that it must have been the fear of failure. Could be wrong, but the thought of the book being crap, for example, might have snuck up and crept in, bringing a momentary lapse of doubt along with it. Maybe it had something to do with all the really good books I have been reading lately, that have set a bar by which I shall judge my own one. Good old Jim and blog on might be a good old way of beating that fear off and keeping it out. However, oddly, whatever it was, it turned out to be a good thing. Embrace the fear of failure! Woke up this morning, after sleeping it off, and boom, the writing was flowing out big time. No time wasting this morning, straight into it. As opposed to checking the news on different sites, doing a bit of Twittering like a twit, checking my to-do list, then re-checking it two minutes later. The usual stuff. The fear has me focused! Good fear to have, it seems.
Four things have become apparent to me as well today. One: having the discipline to just write, without rewriting as you go along, is key to making progress. And way easier said than done. Two: It is all about the rewrite! As Hemmingway so aptly put it “The first draft of anything is sh!t” It is. Three: Thank God I wrote so many blogs. If you ever think you might write a book in the future, write every single bit of gibberish down that comes into your head at the time! And, three: Putting your thoughts on paper all day long is fairly funking draining. I’m way more tired after writing, than I would be after the gym. Which might give you an idea of how I even like to procrastinate in the gym. All of the above obviously being good too, no complaints, progress on!
Sense Is Over-Rated
One other thing also cropped up in my mind as well today. Involves the issues I have when it comes to either doing the sensible thing, or doing what I would prefer to do. Something along the lines of writing as much as I can, then going back to L.A. Or going back to L.A soon, soon, fairly soon and doing it over there. I shall see. Although I like to turn a blind eye to sense and sensibility. Anyways, I’m going to save up my endorphin dip for another time. Just in case I need another kick on. Save the endorphins! Oh Jesus.
First song is the one that I oddly thought might have triggered the fear. Other two are just gems from a few years back!
Generator First Floor – Freelance Whales
D.A.N.C.E – Justice
House Of Jealous Lovers – The Rapture