Some call it a meteoric rise. Others call it idiotic. Most know nothing about it. I am referring, obviously, to my DJ career of late. Here is where I insert a laugh, to show I obviously don’t mean the part about the meteoric rise. So, em, ha, joking. I must admit, there are many pluses to DJ’ing. No one really wants to hear about pluses, or the upside, though. Just seems to annoy people. Particularly Irish people. It is all about what is not so great, or the downside, that tends to entertain.
Off the top of my head, there is only one major negative to DJ’ing. One quick minor aspect is that even though I have over 10, 000 songs at my disposable, for some reason with about half an hour to go in a gig, I always think I will run out of songs to play. Intelligent thinking by me really.
The major downside is far worse in Ireland, than any place I have played in Emerica. Except maybe the one Irish bar in San Francisco. In a word, it is… Requests. Requests. Requests. You would not believe how annoying they are, especially when they are so bewildering and mind-blowing at times. Frequently, I am being left dumb founded and speechless by what some people ask for. With that in mind, I will now reel off a few of my favourite ones from last Saturday night alone…
- “Play that song again” – Which song? – “The one thats on, I missed the start of it, I was coming down from upstairs” - There’s still half of the song left, I’m not just playing it again – “You’re some prick!”
- “Will you play that song, you know the one” – You’ll have to be a bit more specific I’m afraid – “That song, by your man, you know, the one… (insert some form of humming here, la, do, or dum)… you know that one?” - No, cant say that I do – (cue look of disgust, then to her friend) “He doesn’t know it, he’s s*@t!”
- (Asked at about 1.00, in a nightclub, as the crowd is really hopping) “It’s my boyfriend’s birthday, can you play us a slow song that we can dance to?” – As in a slower song than this one? - “No, something slow, like a ballad, just one” - I can’t now, at the very end maybe, cool? – “No now, we’re leaving soon” – I can’t play it now – “It’s his birthday!!!” – At the end I will – “Don’t be such a muppet!” - Are you slow?
- (Asked at about 1.20, and remember this is a nightclub) “Will you turn down the music so we can sing happy birthday to my friend?” - Pardon? No – “Please” - I can’t just turn off the music - “Come on, like” – I can’t - “F**k you, prick.”
- (Asked at 1.30, same person) “Will you play (insert a muffled, drunken, whispered request) for her birthday? And her name is Nicola, so could you wish her a happy birthday too before you play it?” – I’ve no microphone. This is a nightclub, not a radio station, you do know that? – “Just turn off the music and shout ‘Happy birthday Nicola’ so, it’s her birthday, like” – Are you serious? – “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” – You don’t see anything odd with that? Think about it – “I swear to God I will come into that DJ booth… do you want a slap?” (it was a girl saying this to me, by the way).
- “Here man, here man, man, love this song, play me that other song by them” – What other song? I think this was a one hit wonder? – “No way man, seriously?” – Yeah – “What’s the name of this song again? Who’s this? Play me that song.” - What? – “Nice one, man” (high five, walks off).
- (Towards the end of the night) “You never played my song” – I did (I actually had as well) – “You didn’t, you said you would” – I did (double checking) what song was it again? – “I can’t remember, you didn’t play it though, ssshlur ssshhlurrr…”
Is it just me? Or are they globally recognized as being absurd? Maybe I’m just too sober, and they’re too dumb? I mean, drunk? In fairness, nearly everyone has probably requested a song at some stage throughout their clubbing life. God knows I must’ve wrecked the odd DJ’s head, here or there. Not like that though, surely? Just in case you might be an abusive, drunk requester, think about it logically. Will you really remember if your request was played or not? Is your night on such a knife edge, that your ludicrous request being played is what will save it? Potentially turning it into the greatest night of your life? I doubt it.
Thankfully, I now know how to handle the requests. Simply. Say. Yes. When a sober girl requested a song, I told her I’d check if I had the song she wanted (an obscure reggae request, it was a mixed bag crowd). Thankfully, she said she didn’t really care. Just telling her I would play it, even if I didn’t, was enough to keep her happy. This revelation probably threw me off the most on the night, but if it works, it will do. From now on, to any and all requests… Yes. No problem. Coming up. Thumbs up. Hands up in the air if you like! Throw in a wink on top. Simple really. Yes. The Yes Man. DJ Yes-Man, as a new name perhaps? Eh, no.
Songaruu, after all that it’ll need a bit of a club feel to it I do suppose. Seeing as requests are the only downside really, perhaps I am just being a little…
Now I’m That Bitch (Gigamesh Remix) – Livvi Franc